Im Not sure what this is. (lyric, ticket, house, rock)

Leftovermelody · 05-10-2007, 07:57 PM

Taking a creative writing class, got bored and started writing something, has no real structure, and it rhythms a lot, but eh, i dunno, few opinions would be nice.

Flames of shame reign down on the souls of men with no names, only numbers, fools who slumber in diseased houses built from smoldering lumber. Fools who grumble of pride and hope to stumble on gold, only bold enough to hold theories of life and death, a breath of fresh air only to a vandal, too weak to handle the thoughts of a mind defined by a tangled grapevine, straight lined to confusion, an allusion to truth, a ticket booth to a world where all they value is how you kill, but your mind, your will, only fill empty spaces, and the traces of your hopes and dreams only stitch the seams of ripped schemes sewn by business men, with more hope in their jobs than their kin. Whose only passion stems from a rational thought, so vague and misdirected that it spawns a realization that this plague of the infected was man-made, layed out, and displayed

sleepy jack · 05-10-2007, 09:24 PM

Its so easier to critique something when its in an actual format...Anyway my problem with it through reading it was the lack of a structure just made it annoying, the rhyming was too close sometimes separated by one word which was also fairly annoying. I suggest simply putting it in a standard lyrical form, then going through and making sure the rhymes are spaced evenly then giving it a better rhyme format. I wrote a post on that which ill paste below. I think those simple revisions will do wonders for this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

I notice this problem so much, and I honestly think if people aren't going to rhyme creatively then shouldn't rhyme at all. Rhyming sounds good, but you can do things with it and it would sound better because it doesn't look so bad. You can rely on syllables too. Use a different rhyming scheme instead of aabb, even abab would be better. Though both are pretty lame, play around with it and do like abcabcdd or something.

I mean in buckley's grace he goes abbcdefgee.

And she weeps on my arm
Walking to the bright lights in sorrow
Oh drink a bit of wine we both might go tomorrow
Oh my love
And the rain is falling and I believe
My time has come
It reminds me of the pain
I might leave
Leave behind

Thats so much better then.

And she weeps on my arm,
Walking in the bright lights of harm,.
Oh we might go out tomorrow,
My love never feel sorrow,
And I believe the falling of the rain
It reminds me of pain,
I might leave.
I might leave.

He rhymes line five with ten, and its way more interesting them rhyming line one with three and two with four and about the syllables.

Scheme:
Roses burn kindle and fall,
But I knew we would live through all.

Without a scheme:
Roses burn, kindle and fall.
But I knew we would live like faith.

It sounds just as good because they both have the same amount of syllables. Its annoying because everyone seems to use lame variants on A and B and occasionally they throw in a C. People need to invent their own schemes or use internal rhyming or something. Theres also like half rhymes, like weed/me, both have the ee sound, but me doesn't have a d at the end.

Like,

They took you apart and left you to feel pain,
Oh but please don't think you're the one to blame.

ain and ame work just as well, and internal rhyming is cool to,

don't you see the frozen bee?
it lays in the frost every day.

See/Bee, Lays/Day both work, and its more surprising line to line. I just think people need to start playing with techniques I basically instantly dismiss a song as soon as I read the first verse is "Can't you see, that you really hurt me, and every night cry, cause im wondering why." It takes away from the piece this probably didn't make any sense.

Alexander the Grape · 05-10-2007, 11:46 PM

The structure and rhyming make it seem like some hip hop freestyling, which I guess isn't necessarily bad. The content is great, but I'm not sure if it would work for a rock song. I still like it. You could try organizing it in a more traditional format, but I have the feeling that it will lose a lot of its impact.

Leftovermelody · 05-11-2007, 03:45 PM

Yeah, honestly, it wasnt meant to be a rock song, or even a song. If i post stuff, its usually a poem i just messed around with. This one, though, had the image of a big black guy saying it at some coffee house. Sounds odd, but eh, that or, some kind of freestyle, Which is weird, and i dont usually do that, but i guess it kinda ended up giving that feel, which i like.

05-10-2007, 07:57 PM	#1 (permalink)
Leftovermelody Groupie Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 24	Im Not sure what this is. Taking a creative writing class, got bored and started writing something, has no real structure, and it rhythms a lot, but eh, i dunno, few opinions would be nice. Flames of shame reign down on the souls of men with no names, only numbers, fools who slumber in diseased houses built from smoldering lumber. Fools who grumble of pride and hope to stumble on gold, only bold enough to hold theories of life and death, a breath of fresh air only to a vandal, too weak to handle the thoughts of a mind defined by a tangled grapevine, straight lined to confusion, an allusion to truth, a ticket booth to a world where all they value is how you kill, but your mind, your will, only fill empty spaces, and the traces of your hopes and dreams only stitch the seams of ripped schemes sewn by business men, with more hope in their jobs than their kin. Whose only passion stems from a rational thought, so vague and misdirected that it spawns a realization that this plague of the infected was man-made, layed out, and displayed __________________ My father was a haystack man, always said son go find what you can. Said the guns get jammed up in the sand, don't let them try to fool you. I said but daddy we ain't fightin' the Cong no more. He said you're going over there to lose the very same war. I said nothin' you can do is gonna make me stay, Gotta let others have their glory day. ~State Radio

05-11-2007, 03:45 PM	#4 (permalink)
Leftovermelody Groupie Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 24	Yeah, honestly, it wasnt meant to be a rock song, or even a song. If i post stuff, its usually a poem i just messed around with. This one, though, had the image of a big black guy saying it at some coffee house. Sounds odd, but eh, that or, some kind of freestyle, Which is weird, and i dont usually do that, but i guess it kinda ended up giving that feel, which i like. __________________ My father was a haystack man, always said son go find what you can. Said the guns get jammed up in the sand, don't let them try to fool you. I said but daddy we ain't fightin' the Cong no more. He said you're going over there to lose the very same war. I said nothin' you can do is gonna make me stay, Gotta let others have their glory day. ~State Radio

05-10-2007, 11:46 PM	#3 (permalink)
Alexander the Grape Un****withable Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Wyoming Posts: 196	The structure and rhyming make it seem like some hip hop freestyling, which I guess isn't necessarily bad. The content is great, but I'm not sure if it would work for a rock song. I still like it. You could try organizing it in a more traditional format, but I have the feeling that it will lose a lot of its impact.