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04-20-2007, 11:26 PM | #1 (permalink) |
Music Addict
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: new jersey
Posts: 48
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A Message in the Dark
Hey... I found this site in my favorites the other day, I joined it a while ago then kind of forgot about it, I forgot what a great site it was.
Anyway, I'm the main lyricist in my band... so here's something of mine. Any comments are welcome. A Message in the Dark I wrote a message in the dark Wakened by the passing cars grabbed a pen and emptied out my heart Old cliches and reused words Thrown into an empty song [Feels] like I've already waited too long I sent a message in the dark [But] I'd rather have you talk with me 'Bout how this world was made for you and me [Now] I'll just linger at the door Knowing that you won't be home Wait four years and see your smile again You say you've crossed a thousand seas, But now you're drowning in a stream of thoughts and bits of you and me? All that glitters is not gold Take a fall from a first glance, you don't realize that life's not a slow dance I scratched a message in the dark I can't remember what I wrote Fallacy, it was just a note.. right? |
04-21-2007, 04:13 AM | #2 (permalink) | |||||||
isfckingdead
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 18,967
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I thought the piece was bland and didn't hold anything interesting, I don't know what to say to fix it since the subject is kind of lame and the things you talk about are pretty vague. |
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04-21-2007, 12:23 PM | #3 (permalink) |
Music Addict
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: new jersey
Posts: 48
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Sorry its not up to your standards. :/ I've read some of your stuff and know I'll never be able to write like that. Absolutely brilliant.
Thanks for the criticism... I didn't even notice some of the stuff you pointed out, especially the me-me rhyming in the third verse. I guess the whole point of it is kind of vague. I wake up in middle of night and write something down, feel need to tell it to her, go to her house, not there, I sit and think a bit, go home, the next day I forget what I wrote. That's sort of what I was going at, but I suppose its portrayed somewhat unclearly to a third party who doesn't really know the point I was trying to make. The "old cliches" part was in reference to what I wrote down I guess... like the things I wanted to tell her had been told for years, but I still had to tell her them. Yeah, I use a couple cliche'd phrases in the song, but give me a break. Here's the link to the song: purevolumeā¢ | Trotter's Field Feel free to tell me if you like it/how I could improve it, it was already recorded by the time I posted the lyrics, so sorry I couldn't change them. Thanks! |
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