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Old 04-20-2007, 11:26 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default A Message in the Dark

Hey... I found this site in my favorites the other day, I joined it a while ago then kind of forgot about it, I forgot what a great site it was.

Anyway, I'm the main lyricist in my band... so here's something of mine. Any comments are welcome.


A Message in the Dark

I wrote a message in the dark
Wakened by the passing cars
grabbed a pen and emptied out my heart

Old cliches and reused words
Thrown into an empty song
[Feels] like I've already waited too long

I sent a message in the dark
[But] I'd rather have you talk with me
'Bout how this world was made for you and me

[Now] I'll just linger at the door
Knowing that you won't be home
Wait four years and see your smile again


You say you've crossed a thousand seas,
But now you're drowning in a stream of
thoughts and bits of you and me?

All that glitters is not gold
Take a fall from a first glance, you don't
realize that life's not a slow dance

I scratched a message in the dark
I can't remember what I wrote
Fallacy, it was just a note.. right?
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Old 04-21-2007, 04:13 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Quote:
I wrote a message in the dark
Wakened by the passing cars
grabbed a pen and emptied out my heart
I'd switch wrote a message in the dark and passing cars, and take out heart. Heart is kind of overdone but can be used effectively and its not here.

Quote:
Old cliches and reused words
Thrown into an empty song
[Feels] like I've already waited too long
Having read this, are you trying to use old cliches and reused words to form an empty song? You could do a better job at it because this doesn't have many of them only a few.

Quote:
I sent a message in the dark
[But] I'd rather have you talk with me
'Bout how this world was made you and me
Try not to rhyme a word with the same word, it sounds bad. I suggest cutting it, message in the dark isn't that strong of a line and shouldn't be repeated that soon.

Quote:
[Now] I'll just linger at the door
Knowing that you won't be home
Wait four years and see your smile again
Wait four years to see your smile would be better.

Quote:
You say you've crossed a thousand seas,
But now you're drowning in a stream of
thoughts and bits of you and me?
This is probably my favorite part out of the whole thing I don't have much of a problem with it.

Quote:
All that glitters is not gold
Take a fall from a first glance, you don't
realize that life's not a slow dance
All that glitters is not gold wasn't cliche when shakespeare used it, but it is now. You could probably find a different metaphor to describe pretty things not being great. It doesn't even have to be that different, just slightly different.

Quote:
I scratched a message in the dark
I can't remember what I wrote
Fallacy, it was just a note.. right?
This was a rather weak ending, I don't know what type of music its set to I guess it could work with some others not so much.

I thought the piece was bland and didn't hold anything interesting, I don't know what to say to fix it since the subject is kind of lame and the things you talk about are pretty vague.
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Old 04-21-2007, 12:23 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Sorry its not up to your standards. :/ I've read some of your stuff and know I'll never be able to write like that. Absolutely brilliant.

Thanks for the criticism... I didn't even notice some of the stuff you pointed out, especially the me-me rhyming in the third verse.

I guess the whole point of it is kind of vague. I wake up in middle of night and write something down, feel need to tell it to her, go to her house, not there, I sit and think a bit, go home, the next day I forget what I wrote. That's sort of what I was going at, but I suppose its portrayed somewhat unclearly to a third party who doesn't really know the point I was trying to make. The "old cliches" part was in reference to what I wrote down I guess... like the things I wanted to tell her had been told for years, but I still had to tell her them. Yeah, I use a couple cliche'd phrases in the song, but give me a break.

Here's the link to the song: purevolumeā„¢ | Trotter's Field

Feel free to tell me if you like it/how I could improve it, it was already recorded by the time I posted the lyrics, so sorry I couldn't change them.

Thanks!
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