The Dave

Okay, well first off, I'm no Ethan or Ben but I figured I'd give this forum a go. I'm always open to criticism and ways to improve this if anyone has some.


Well love I've found an empty field, it's barren
without hope, or the slightest dream
for a renewal of life.
I won't park my truck there, it's too innocent
for machine bred allusions of a perfect life.
So I'll take my shoes in hand, walk delicately
across this field that no man has ever touched.
Others would've placed caution strips,
but I will raise it to the sun!
For in that field, in that barren center,
there's a spot of good soil, through and through. And,
and, I know I've got what it takes to make it grow!
For it's the only thing I've found worth living for
in this life, hendered by the pursuit that we
falsely place upon our own hearts.

The Dave

I'm bumping this, but only because I would like some help with it.

sleepy jack

Don't use capslock on any line dave, cmon.

I like the idea alot, "falsely place upon our own heads.", normally i'd never suggest hearts because its typically cliche but I think it would work much better here then then head.

__________________

The Dave

So would the exclamation mark work fine then?

And yeah, I've treid to quit using the word heart in any thing I write, but I'll give it a try.

Edit: I do like hearts.