Good Will Come (lyric, Kiss, American, title, review)

Trauma · 03-09-2007, 04:38 PM

"Good Will Come"

i can't see you- anymore.
We sit twenty metres apart
Yet a brick wall seperates us
Iron bars, cement barriers fold over themselves
Classrooms compress our bodies
Make us pupils in two eyes of a giant monster
The being washes its face with
Conformity and sheds hot tears
Feverishly fluttering its eyelashes
Hard-pressed blinks come down
Over-and-over, again and again
Large eyelids try to console the pupils
Hide them from extraordinary occurences
(They can't always stay shut)- We swear;
Flecks of gold shine through
Pupils strive to suck all the life from the darkness
They make the light their own
Stretching with long arms
Climbing out from under their bed
Where they once laid with a flashlight
Consoling themselves and catching comfort
In false light they held hope, once- but
Now Iris asks them, "Where is your hope when eyes are closed?"
This lock will break soon, for you, You
Will pick it with such skill
Twenty metres is going to seem like the universe
i won't catch you now, as you
Slip out of staple society, press
Coordinated kisses on the lips of
Freedom- shut your eyes as the
Embrace becomes exotic and the
Sunshine undresses in the distant horizon
Elated smiles descend from the skies.
In exaltation you raise your chin to the sun,
Grab hold of a new day with open eyes-
Walking against the cold morning wind,
Proud and persistent- you blush.
Life smashes into your frame with
Unprecedented brilliance,
Casting miles of shadow-
Filled with hope, and dreams.

-Jake

Trauma · 03-10-2007, 04:27 PM

Bump, comments?

Please?

~~TheUsedToolguy~~ · 03-10-2007, 05:03 PM

UUUUUUUUUUUUmmmmmmmmmmm! I'm telling, you didn't wait 24 hrs. J/K
It seemed to me like it was kind of all over the place-like it was talking about being in a classroom, and how teachers in school hide things from students and create a very deceptive view of reality to some degree, by being all fancy pants, and sugar coating things for us, and pretending to be authorities on things that they don't know much about. Then it was talking about students finding light in darkness or something. That was the most intriguing part, but I'm not exactly sure what it has to do with the poem. Then it seemed like, while you were bored in class you were engaging in some kind of sexual fantasy, and the end, of course, was about that exalted and elated feeling you get from finally get out of that hellhole jail cell known as the American public school system.

Trauma · 03-11-2007, 01:08 AM

Essentially it was me bored as all hell in Advanced Placement Chemistry, 20 metres from my girlfriend who was in another classroom.
The ending was me contemplating whether or not I want to go to college.

Thank you very much for the review!

skindredluver · 03-11-2007, 11:06 AM

The only thing I really like is the title!

Trauma · 03-11-2007, 01:59 PM

Cool!

Crowe · 03-11-2007, 04:31 PM

I couldn't connect with it, because the situation you wrote about it pretty specific and esoteric. But I think if it means something to you, then ... yeah, right on. It's well written for what it is - but like I said, you might want to open the ideas up more if you want other people to connect with your song! I don't know how to go about advising that though - good work.

Trauma · 03-11-2007, 10:58 PM

I think I need to stop posting free verse thought and post more poems that have specific rhyme schemes.
Flow does not compromise lyrical content.
Thank you Crowe!
I agree with the connection to a reader.

enemyat_thesix · 03-12-2007, 01:39 AM

Quote:

Life smashes into your frame with
Unprecedented brilliance,
Casting miles of shadow-
Filled with hope, and dreams.

Reading the poem was a chore until I came to these last four lines. Strong finish to a weak poem; the result is bittersweet.

Long is not always better.

Trauma · 03-12-2007, 08:04 AM

Thanks.

03-09-2007, 04:38 PM	#1 (permalink)
Trauma snickers Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: detroit Posts: 2,194	Good Will Come "Good Will Come" i can't see you- anymore. We sit twenty metres apart Yet a brick wall seperates us Iron bars, cement barriers fold over themselves Classrooms compress our bodies Make us pupils in two eyes of a giant monster The being washes its face with Conformity and sheds hot tears Feverishly fluttering its eyelashes Hard-pressed blinks come down Over-and-over, again and again Large eyelids try to console the pupils Hide them from extraordinary occurences (They can't always stay shut)- We swear; Flecks of gold shine through Pupils strive to suck all the life from the darkness They make the light their own Stretching with long arms Climbing out from under their bed Where they once laid with a flashlight Consoling themselves and catching comfort In false light they held hope, once- but Now Iris asks them, "Where is your hope when eyes are closed?" This lock will break soon, for you, You Will pick it with such skill Twenty metres is going to seem like the universe i won't catch you now, as you Slip out of staple society, press Coordinated kisses on the lips of Freedom- shut your eyes as the Embrace becomes exotic and the Sunshine undresses in the distant horizon Elated smiles descend from the skies. In exaltation you raise your chin to the sun, Grab hold of a new day with open eyes- Walking against the cold morning wind, Proud and persistent- you blush. Life smashes into your frame with Unprecedented brilliance, Casting miles of shadow- Filled with hope, and dreams. -Jake __________________ A mi no me importa nada Para mi la vida es un sueño Last edited by Trauma; 03-10-2007 at 04:26 PM.

03-10-2007, 04:27 PM	#2 (permalink)
Trauma snickers Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: detroit Posts: 2,194	Bump, comments? Please? __________________ A mi no me importa nada Para mi la vida es un sueño

03-11-2007, 01:08 AM	#4 (permalink)
Trauma snickers Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: detroit Posts: 2,194	Essentially it was me bored as all hell in Advanced Placement Chemistry, 20 metres from my girlfriend who was in another classroom. The ending was me contemplating whether or not I want to go to college. Thank you very much for the review! __________________ A mi no me importa nada Para mi la vida es un sueño

03-11-2007, 11:06 AM	#5 (permalink)
skindredluver Im Just As Sweet!!!:) Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: america Posts: 570	The only thing I really like is the title! __________________ Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich

03-11-2007, 01:59 PM	#6 (permalink)
Trauma snickers Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: detroit Posts: 2,194	Cool! __________________ A mi no me importa nada Para mi la vida es un sueño

03-10-2007, 05:03 PM	#3 (permalink)
~~TheUsedToolguy~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Joplin, MO Posts: 468	UUUUUUUUUUUUmmmmmmmmmmm! I'm telling, you didn't wait 24 hrs. J/K It seemed to me like it was kind of all over the place-like it was talking about being in a classroom, and how teachers in school hide things from students and create a very deceptive view of reality to some degree, by being all fancy pants, and sugar coating things for us, and pretending to be authorities on things that they don't know much about. Then it was talking about students finding light in darkness or something. That was the most intriguing part, but I'm not exactly sure what it has to do with the poem. Then it seemed like, while you were bored in class you were engaging in some kind of sexual fantasy, and the end, of course, was about that exalted and elated feeling you get from finally get out of that hellhole jail cell known as the American public school system.

03-11-2007, 04:31 PM	#7 (permalink)
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 699	I couldn't connect with it, because the situation you wrote about it pretty specific and esoteric. But I think if it means something to you, then ... yeah, right on. It's well written for what it is - but like I said, you might want to open the ideas up more if you want other people to connect with your song! I don't know how to go about advising that though - good work. __________________

03-11-2007, 10:58 PM	#8 (permalink)
Trauma snickers Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: detroit Posts: 2,194	I think I need to stop posting free verse thought and post more poems that have specific rhyme schemes. Flow does not compromise lyrical content. Thank you Crowe! I agree with the connection to a reader. __________________ A mi no me importa nada Para mi la vida es un sueño

03-12-2007, 08:04 AM	#10 (permalink)
Trauma snickers Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: detroit Posts: 2,194	Thanks. __________________ A mi no me importa nada Para mi la vida es un sueño