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03-06-2007, 01:47 AM | #1 (permalink) |
Account Disabled
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: PIKEVILLE KY
Posts: 39
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Haight Ashbury
They Cared And Loved More Than Any Today
Sang Rejoiced In Happiness Just For A Peaceful Way And Know We Lost The Path To Friendship Ina Hurry Becuase It All Started On The Corner Of Haight And Ashbury I Feel You Dont Know Me And You Prolly Dont Care To Get Inside My Truth To Know What's In My Head To Realize Im Commitng On Whats Left Of The Peace And Have Faith On The Fact Im Not Doing It For Me Is Too Hard To Trust The People Now Days As The Lay Thier Oppinions On Your Thoughts We Came Together Once Before To Eliminate The Negative But When One Manson Took Lead We Lost Perspective Did Hippies Have The Idea Before One Wrong Turn As Haight And Ashbury Quickly Rose To Peace I Would Have Been San Fran Bound Without Regret But Then It Happened Too Infamous To Forget This Is Not A Song A Poem Or Sonnet But My Feelings In General I Dont Expect You All To Under Stand But If You Do Thank You And If You Dont Thank You For Reading Anyway Last edited by THERACONTEUR21; 03-09-2007 at 02:56 PM. |
03-07-2007, 01:19 AM | #4 (permalink) |
Freeskier
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Istanbul was Constantinople now it's Istanbul not Constantinople...
Posts: 1,536
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there's too many spelling and gramatical errors for one thing, it's distracting as hell, and hard to take it seriously at all. fix that.
otherwise, a lot of the rhyming is REALLY forced, especially the last two lines, the only way that rhyming a word with the same word ever works is if there's a message and a reason behind the repitition, in your case it just comes across as laziness. It could be a decent piece, but i'd suggest going over it, thinking over the vocabulary a bit more, and stating a more concentrated message. At the moment it's just a very generi poem about peace and a location, there's no message to it at all.
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