Haight Ashbury (song)

~~THERACONTEUR21~~ · 03-06-2007, 01:47 AM

They Cared And Loved More Than Any Today
Sang Rejoiced In Happiness Just For A Peaceful Way
And Know We Lost The Path To Friendship Ina Hurry
Becuase It All Started On The Corner Of Haight And Ashbury

I Feel You Dont Know Me And You Prolly Dont Care
To Get Inside My Truth To Know What's In My Head
To Realize Im Commitng On Whats Left Of The Peace
And Have Faith On The Fact Im Not Doing It For Me

Is Too Hard To Trust The People Now Days
As The Lay Thier Oppinions On Your Thoughts
We Came Together Once Before To Eliminate The Negative
But When One Manson Took Lead We Lost Perspective

Did Hippies Have The Idea Before One Wrong Turn
As Haight And Ashbury Quickly Rose To Peace
I Would Have Been San Fran Bound Without Regret
But Then It Happened Too Infamous To Forget

This Is Not A Song A Poem Or Sonnet
But My Feelings In General I Dont Expect You All To Under Stand But If You Do Thank You And If You Dont Thank You For Reading Anyway

Strummer521 · 03-06-2007, 01:08 PM

So...are you posting every poem/song you've ever written?

~~THERACONTEUR21~~ · 03-07-2007, 12:58 AM

nah i wrote i think 4 of those in the same day
i have alot of stuff but im trying new stuff to see who or if any like it

jibber · 03-07-2007, 01:19 AM

there's too many spelling and gramatical errors for one thing, it's distracting as hell, and hard to take it seriously at all. fix that.

otherwise, a lot of the rhyming is REALLY forced, especially the last two lines, the only way that rhyming a word with the same word ever works is if there's a message and a reason behind the repitition, in your case it just comes across as laziness. It could be a decent piece, but i'd suggest going over it, thinking over the vocabulary a bit more, and stating a more concentrated message. At the moment it's just a very generi poem about peace and a location, there's no message to it at all.

03-06-2007, 01:47 AM	#1 (permalink)
~~THERACONTEUR21~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: PIKEVILLE KY Posts: 39	Haight Ashbury They Cared And Loved More Than Any Today Sang Rejoiced In Happiness Just For A Peaceful Way And Know We Lost The Path To Friendship Ina Hurry Becuase It All Started On The Corner Of Haight And Ashbury I Feel You Dont Know Me And You Prolly Dont Care To Get Inside My Truth To Know What's In My Head To Realize Im Commitng On Whats Left Of The Peace And Have Faith On The Fact Im Not Doing It For Me Is Too Hard To Trust The People Now Days As The Lay Thier Oppinions On Your Thoughts We Came Together Once Before To Eliminate The Negative But When One Manson Took Lead We Lost Perspective Did Hippies Have The Idea Before One Wrong Turn As Haight And Ashbury Quickly Rose To Peace I Would Have Been San Fran Bound Without Regret But Then It Happened Too Infamous To Forget This Is Not A Song A Poem Or Sonnet But My Feelings In General I Dont Expect You All To Under Stand But If You Do Thank You And If You Dont Thank You For Reading Anyway Last edited by THERACONTEUR21; 03-09-2007 at 02:56 PM.

03-06-2007, 01:08 PM	#2 (permalink)
Strummer521 Pepper Emergency! Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 493	So...are you posting every poem/song you've ever written? __________________ "Caffeine is so ridiculous right now." RZA

03-07-2007, 12:58 AM	#3 (permalink)
~~THERACONTEUR21~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: PIKEVILLE KY Posts: 39	all my stuff lol nah i wrote i think 4 of those in the same day i have alot of stuff but im trying new stuff to see who or if any like it

03-07-2007, 01:19 AM	#4 (permalink)
jibber Freeskier Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Istanbul was Constantinople now it's Istanbul not Constantinople... Posts: 1,536	there's too many spelling and gramatical errors for one thing, it's distracting as hell, and hard to take it seriously at all. fix that. otherwise, a lot of the rhyming is REALLY forced, especially the last two lines, the only way that rhyming a word with the same word ever works is if there's a message and a reason behind the repitition, in your case it just comes across as laziness. It could be a decent piece, but i'd suggest going over it, thinking over the vocabulary a bit more, and stating a more concentrated message. At the moment it's just a very generi poem about peace and a location, there's no message to it at all. __________________ What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do -- especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road. William Least Heat Moon, Blue Highways Your toughest competitor lives in your head. Some days his name is fear, or pain, or gravity. Stomp his ass. HOOKED ON THE WHITE POWDER