theladyofshalott

All of these are early drafts, one from forever ago(first) and the others from like an hour ago. Both are still rough draft, still in poem form. I edit them down to songs, adding and omitting things that fit and music.


It's gonna be kinda slow, and then totally amp up...
Not Your Girl
Woke up early this mornin,
phone ringin head bangin,
Your name flashed on the screen as images filled my mind.
the cause of the tears I cried last night.
Oh, I loved you,
but I guess that just wasn't enough.

Answer the phone,
determined not to care anymore,
Oh I've heard it all before.
"I'm so sorry"
"Girl it didn't meant a thing"
"it was just a kiss."

Same lines,
different times,
not falling for it again.
THought I was differnent,
not just one of many,
guess I was wrong.

Don't hear the lies falling from your lips lilke sweet poison.
No not anymore
Tears wash away all of my pain.
Done falling for you.
Made your choice,
I'm makin mine.

Don't bother comin back again, I won't let you in.
Slam the dor in your face,
I'm done with the pain
I'm done with the lies,
And oh baby I'm done with your cheatin ass!

So kiss her again,
Hold her tight,
bet you wish it was me tonight,

But I'm done,
MOvin on,
Got a new man,
MIght as well dream on.

I'm not your girl anymore.




Already Gone
Going insane,
Leaning over the edge,
Can't believe all the things I've left unsaid.


My emotions aren't my own,
But I'll keep holding on,
Till I reach my goal.

Your reaching out,
In the distance I see,
but there's all these barriers,
Blocking your arms reach.

I have to tak down these walls,
If I want my life to be my own.
So many years they're protected me,
But now I miss the feeling of thust,
The use of my heart.
Desperate for a smile that doesn't feel plastered on.
Willing to take the risks,
Just for your kiss.

At last I feel them come crashing down,
Falling at my feet,
Attempt to reach you,
Smiling in triumph,
Finally able to be with you,
But it's too late,
Your already gone.





My smile doesn't quite reach eyes,
My tears I try my best to hide.

But it's useless,
It's pointless,
Any fool can see I'm hopelessly in love with you.

You used to adore me,
Now you ignore me.

I used to feel wanted,
Now I'm just in the way again.

So I suppose I'll just keep going,

If you want her take her.
I won't stand in your way,
Won't be Second best,
Won't lose this race.

Learn to love again, get you out from under my skin.
Tell myself I don't need you,
Maybe someday it''l be the truth.

__________________
“Sheep are vicious; bloodthirsty and vicious! They sit out in the paddocks dozily chewing on their grass and looking cute but secretly they’re plotting to take over the planet; them and hippos.”
“What did the hippos do?"
“They’re just so fat and slippery and they’re called hippopotamuses. You’ve got to be evil or severely warped with a name like that.”

sleepy jack

Spell check please?

__________________

sleepy jack

Phone ringing head banging? If this is going to be an actual song that will sound terrible, unless they're space apart. How about I woke up early this morning, the phone ringing my head banging?

The next part is kind of bleh, getting cheated on hurts more then a few tears and the emotion isn't just "oh my love wasn't enough" tons of things filter through your mind. The fact that they didn't love you enough, or you weren't pretty enough or perfect enough. Not just my love wasn't enough.


This line just doesn't do much for me, personally if I was going to cut someone out of my life I wouldn't even have answered the phone. So I get this impression that you're clingy.

You could go more in-depth on this, it just seems like you're lightly brushing the surface,

Sweet poison? so overdone. Tears don't wash away pain, that lines weak. I'm done falling for you, in a song for the most part it helps if all the verses have a similar amount of syllables and actual full sentences typically are good.

I'm done falling for you,
You make your choice
And i'll make mine.

Would sound much better.

Done with your cheating ass? Booo.

Once again this could go more in-depth.

Okay, once weak ending.

A song about infidelity could be much more powerful and emotional. This just seems like a teen ranting about a topic he/she knows nothing about and the whole thing is just bland.

__________________

Luna Vulgar

sleepy jack

Whos eyes? the tear line is just bland.

yawn.

Don't rhyme me and me, and that line was soso predictable not even kidding.

This line seems more like something spoken than a line in the song.

"Maybe someday it'll be true" would sound much better.

I didn't really wanna finish, see my above summary of the first song and thats what I think of this one also.

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theladyofshalott

I know the first one was kind of bad I wrote it when I was like thirteen. It was for a friend's story. She's majorly into the cheesy pop stuff, plus it's a first draft. And like I said the last two are really poems. I have to change them into songs, but for now they are still in poem for , meant to be read and performed with the rhyme scheme of such. And no, I didn't have time for spell check...

__________________
“Sheep are vicious; bloodthirsty and vicious! They sit out in the paddocks dozily chewing on their grass and looking cute but secretly they’re plotting to take over the planet; them and hippos.”
“What did the hippos do?"
“They’re just so fat and slippery and they’re called hippopotamuses. You’ve got to be evil or severely warped with a name like that.”