Kevorkian Logic

For kicks and giggles I posted our entire conversation so far (not including what i'm typing now) into word. A solid 11 pages. Impressive, no? But that is probably more than any paper or story i've ever written before. I usually go add on stories before I can finish them.

Oh, R and D makes total sense and I feel like a complete retard for not being able to figure it out. Sorry, your an automaton though, if I had a magic 8 ball and happened to shake it, i'm sure it would say you have a brighter future coming your way. At least the farm is terribly much work, and you have the german short-hairs to keep you company, they're so much fun to play with when they give you attention (one of my dogs is half german short-hair, half Satan). Do you ever go huntin' with them?

Haha, I love your friends reaction to mountain climbing, it's classic. Very excellent way of describing rock climbing, I felt like I was in the moment. On a side not, I understand how pain makes everything so real, but isn't there a better way feel what is real? Or possibly if you can understand what is real, couldn't you learn how to always feel real? Those questions make me sound like i'm stoned. But i've always been curious what is real?

I honestly don't play to my looks to get what I want (if I really want something I will, but that is a very rare occasion). I tend to downplay them as much as possible-- no makeup, about 15 seconds spent brushing my hair (sometimes I don't even bother), and as my friends often tell me I dress very unflattering for my figure. I prefer to get through life on my intellect *shock*, most of the models usually laugh claiming it is a "silly" idea.

The worst experience I had was when I had consumed a bit too much champagne back stage and when I went to walk down the runway I was couldn't walk in a straight line. I got in so much trouble. This lady named Veronica (director of the show), spent a good 10 minutes yelling at me, I felt so incompetent. My best experience was at this one show that called "Through the Looking Glass" (Alice in Wonderland Theme) and one of my best friends who tends to be at the same shows I am at got to be on the runway working with me. It was so much fun, because it was a square runway so we came out as interpretive (white fishnet stockings, tail, white jacket, white top hat) rabbits running around like we were late for the show. Then at the top of the square we ran into each other (we were spoused to), and the lights cut out for 10 seconds during which we had to sprint backstage before the lights came back on, shining on our two white top hats we were spoused to leave. It really got the adrenaline flowing, like when you rock climbed I suppose.

Sorry the story was so long, I wish I had a short response to my best and worst experience, I could of just said some of the really idiotic things i've heard them say.

Very interesting experience you had with drugs, I can't honestly say i've heard someone with an experience like that before. It is very unique. But i'm sure the lack of buzz inside must of been extremely frustrating. Your red balloon part of the story is what keeps sticking with me. It sounds like a great topic for a song. In the back of my mind i'm thinking there's some song by Goldfinger about Red Balloons. Do you know if there is?

I'm getting this sense that you are a huge outdoors person. Am I right in assuming that? And on a random tangent, do you ride horses? That was my passion once, and since you spend time on a farm you just might.

__________________
"it is only through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect that a certain type of perfection can be attained"

ItsRed

There have been a few outdoorsy farm experiences, a few hunting trips, some horse riding, a single attempt at steer riding when I seven, but not a lot. The short-hairs are my uncles and are all of the same bloodline as his first short-hair that I remember from an early age. I remember him and his first dog with super fond memories, such a comedic pair.
I do really appreciate my rural background, witnessing the birth of a colt, the sense of accomplishment in getting a field cleared of bails of hay, spending time with my grandfather when he was younger and you could earn his respect and confidence out in the fields. He told me two things that really stuck with me. One, when I was maybe five, we we're walking out to the pasture and he looked at my shoe strings and said, 'You better tie up those shoes, or you're going to trip and break your goddamn neck.' The other was when I was about fifteen, 'Son, I don't need to go to church. I spend all day with god. God is everything, every piece of straw, the mountains, everything.'

It looks like Goldfinger did a cover of 99 Red Balloons (luft balloons) by Nena, great song in German, or English. I'm not sure if it was the color, or shape, or both that were so immobilizing.

I have probably 15 manuscripts (most are screenplays) over a hundred pages (the longest about 240) each and my user name comes from a novel I wrote during the last national write a novel month (november) 'The Little Red Number Fives.' It's just re-writing is a special torture I'd rather avoid so thousands of thousands of pages and nothing clean.

The 'Through the Looking Glass' show seems pretty intense. I hate to suggest too many books at a time, but with your modeling and knowledge of fight clubs you probably have already read it, Invisible Monster by Chuck Palahnuik (sp?). If not, it's an amusing good read. And reading of the champagne experience and knowing me I could see Veronica carrying on for about five minutes before I held up my middle finger and asked, 'What do you think the BMI of this finger is? Right here, this finger?'

There was something earlier on that I was going to get to (I'm sure there are many things I've forgot), but it was about acute sensitivity (for a general term) and the way people with it can also get more and sometimes too much out of stimulus. What's beautiful can be almost paralyzingly beautiful. There are a few things I've witnessed that have stunned me in a exquisite way, but they're pretty confined within an experience that is difficult to convey. Wanted to share and hopefully I'll be able to give up a few that there is a possibility of you seeing, either in movies, or life.

One beautiful thing was a little girl doing this french performance type song for school children called, Une Petite Poisson. It's a stretch but perhaps someone you know, or will meet has attended a Montessori and knows the song. It just too sweet and horrible and true to take.

If you've ever seen Amelie, I think the character who was called 'The Glass Man' was sending her video tapes with images of life affirming items, so maybe that's what I'm thinking about. I did really adore the one image he sent of the horse in the bicycle race (maybe tour de france).

Well work time
it's been snowing here.

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Dark Circle : They're here. Rocking your black night world since 2007.
http://www.unsignedbandweb.com/music/bands/7789/

ItsRed

Was working on a big huge reply to Pills Steal my Ecstatic Delusions, but it got all disjointed and unclear. I'll try again Sunday, or Monday. To just say, it's crazy great in many ways including structure and word use, is not enough. I might actually hit the max. words with the reply.

__________________
Dark Circle : They're here. Rocking your black night world since 2007.
http://www.unsignedbandweb.com/music/bands/7789/

Kevorkian Logic

I just read that, for some reason i missed that you commented on it on both, this and the user cp.

I just finished both of your short-stories. I actually really like them. I wrote comments all over the pages, so i'm going to see if I can scan them onto the computer and send you the scans, with my other page of typed comments. It's going to take some serious computer skills, which I lack though, so give me a bit of time to figure it out. I really liked "Invisible," it had some truly amazing lines and ideas. Especially the cutting of the index finger and cooking it and the becoming less visible after you were already invisible and how when you fade your aspirations fade, truly great stuff.

__________________
"it is only through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect that a certain type of perfection can be attained"

ItsRed

Well thanks for reading them, I wrote them as part of a Writer's Group that quickly became a Drinking Group. I'd just flail out some little attempt at a story like the day before. There were a couple I liked, the longest was probably 5 pages. And I'm thrilled you got the major idea of 'Invisible.' I'll try and get some other shorts converted and maybe send one with a chapter this weekend.

The song is sucking more than the alloted quota of ass, so hopefully when the group jams next I can get some real drums, bass and get the reverb down off vocals. I keyboarded the drums and gawd it's awful. So bad that I actually tried to mic hitting one of my canvas with wooden spoons...funny awful.

I did post some videos in the Promotion section (thread: alpo: the videos) a while ago, if you're interested. They're pretty terrible, but the effort was minimal.

__________________
Dark Circle : They're here. Rocking your black night world since 2007.
http://www.unsignedbandweb.com/music/bands/7789/

Kevorkian Logic

Kudos for trying to ride a steer. Tough ****. What happened when you tried? Cause i've seen some pretty entertaining/impressive sights when people attempt to ride steers.

It's good that you appreciate having a rural background, i'm going to sound cliche saying this, but I truly believe it builds character. I have found that purely urban inhabitants have a much more jaded and cynical view of life, and don't appreciate some simple things at all. I'm trying not to sound like i'm talking about something I know nothing about, because I am technically a "city" person, I live in Raleigh and my parents have apartments in mainly big cities: NY, Atlanta, London, Berlin, Brussels, and Oslo that I visit on weekends or breaks. But we have a family farm, which my mom loves and since I was little have spent many weeks living (I mainly helped with the animals, which often entailed me getting attacked by this devil turkey). But I thought it gave me a greater appreciation for the simpler life, and some of the unexpected joys that it gives you.

I really enjoyed reading those two things you remember about your grandfather. They have that simple sort of profoundness that I believe only older people possess. Especially the god thing, that's going to stick with me for a while. The quotes just reflect his character so well, I can imagine just how he acts day to day.

I'm going for the color, for if my physics knowledge is accurate (it's not always) Red is the color with the highest frequency. And i'm convinced that the human mind is fascinated by objects that emit a high frequency. While objects with low frequencies are dull and soothing to the mind.

15 manuscripts is a hell of a lot of writing, just wow. Do you want to be a professional writer? I'm interested in what you have written though, is there anyway you could send on of your manuscripts or "Red Number Fives" to me? But re-writing is a bitch, partly because I often take criticism as a personal attack and my grammatical skills rival that of a chimpanzee. This national write a novel month is an weird idea to me. A know a couple of girls at my school who participated in it and their novels turned out to have weak plots and weak diction. Yours could be amazing, but I feels as though the time pressure hinders you in a way that you don't really write what you want to say, because your in such a hurry to finish it. Does that make sense?

Suggest as many books as you like, I was in a book dry spell honestly. I actually have never read Invisible Monster. A friend lent me Fight Club last year (which reminds me I need to return the book to her) and I enjoyed it immensely, so I will definitely check out Invisible Monster. Hahaha, I wish I would of responded that way, I was just so ashamed I had made a fool out of myself, again (I have the annoying tendency to do that).

Thank you so much for sharing those moments with me, it meant a lot to know someone else can be so overcome with beauty. I actually know many people who have actually attended Montessori, so I definitely will ask them about it. Your description makes it seem like too great an opportunity to miss. I saw Amelie about 4 years ago, so I honestly don't remember it that well, I just remember it being amazing. But I will find it in the mess of a house I live in and watch it again. On the subject of French movies though, there is this French movie called He Loves Me He Loves Me Not, which was really interesting. It's one of those movies where the plot twist saves it and transforms it into a great movie. It's worth a watch.

Do you like snow/cold? I am not a huge fan of it, although it can be truly refreshing. There is some quality about the cold that makes my body just want to stop. Or are you one of those people who are immune to the depressing qualities of cold?

I wonder how many other people are reading the probably wordiest post ever on this sight? I never really thought about it until today when I saw how many views this page had. Probably people see all the words, get intimidated, and run. That sounds very human.

__________________
"it is only through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect that a certain type of perfection can be attained"

ItsRed

Agog, that's me today, choo-chooing all day like a retarded train. Band mates wanting to jam again, another friend wanting stills from a short film project we were working on, a lady from PSU (Portland) wanting to do an interview concerning 'how people learn' and some poker party (I took a big pass on that though). I have some vicodin and a bottle of pinot noir to decompress, but that's going to wait.

Wow, there are a lot of views on this thread I wonder if it's read in a serial way? If people read current post as an episode? I'm sure no one can read it consecutive, in one sitting. I kind of want to go back and read it all the way through now, but I'm sure there are many things I missed. Stuff I'll want to edit.

You are more than welcome to read my stuff, but the novel is just such a mess. I have some shorts I wrote about a year ago that might be better. I think if you read excerpts from the novel you would only see the former fourth grade english failure in my writing. Of course, none of it is great 'writing' (shrunk and white would roll over in their graves (if they're not dead already, they should be)), but every once in a while I'll get on a roll. As far as being a writer, making any kind of career out of it...it'd be nice, but it's highly doubtful for several reasons. Mainly I write for its own end, the thought, the immersion into characters and plot. I know the characteristics needed in storytelling and I know I don't write that way. But it isn't like I haven't tried to sell stuff, try and make a career out of it, I do have plenty of rejection letters.

On the Red, it's actually from a marketing school of thought (the name of which escapes me now) consisting of using block of Red and White with shapes of Black imposed, but it's made to manipulate attention from the human eye so I'm sure the frequency was the main consideration.

The steer riding was comical, little me all stupid and brave, throwing the chest out like my uncle showed me. I was on it for probably five seconds. My uncle had named the steer 'widow maker.' And as soon as the chute open, widow maker went directly over to the plank fence and brushed little stupid and brave me off on my ass.

With the rural influences I do think it grounds in a practical side of life that escapes those that don't get exposed to it, but it was a spotty infrequent exposure for me. I lol'd the Devil Turkey, I remember being terrorized by a rooster, they just come at you with everything they got. My grandfather kept telling me, 'Just kick him...he's not going to stop until you kick him.' But I thought I'd kill it, then my grandfather just came over and punted it about twenty feet in the air.

There also seems a difference in the coasts (east and west) and the mid-west with formative upbringing. I think San Francisco is probably the most comparable urban city to the east coast cities. I spent a little time down there as the former girlfriends' family lived there and liked the feel, the aloof autonomy, the value on intellect and arts. Seattle does have its cosmopolitan aspects, same with Portland, but they are definitely not cities like the east coast. Besides layovers for connecting flights Athens, Greece is the only international city I've been to and that was only a couple days in and out from the islands.

I will check out 'He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not.' Jeunet (wrote and directed Amelie) also did some earlier films with Marc Caro. The City of Lost Children and Delicatessen, I really liked both of those. Actually the question, 'Or are you one of those who are immune to the depressing qualities of the cold?' Reminded me of a scene from The City of Lost Children. Where the scientist asks the boy, ' Are you unsusceptible to the effects of the full moon?' It shouldn't give anything away if you haven't seen it yet.

And the cold, I hate it, can't stand it. I moved back here to help the grandparents with the farm as they're getting older, but I was so pissed that first winter last year. It seemed to snow from November until March. Drove me crazy. But when it started snowing a couple days ago I found myself enjoying just watching it. There was just something beautiful in how it was falling, how it was coming down so soft at the time. How it was moving, swirling, it was like I could see the shape of air. Like the invisible man was being revealed. Nice, but it'd be nice to be in the tropics too.

I set up an email account just for this forum so I don't mind posting it here. I'll send a short, or two, then maybe some rough chapters if you can stand the shorts.
ittlered05@yahoo.com

__________________
Dark Circle : They're here. Rocking your black night world since 2007.
http://www.unsignedbandweb.com/music/bands/7789/

Kevorkian Logic

Woah, I was not aware you were in a band or working on a short film, plus all the other stuff you apparently are wanted for. Kudos. You are doing more than I could ever imagine participating in at once. The vicodin thing reminds me of House, do you ever have time to watch that show? If not, your not missing too much, it's better than most of the purely sex-driven shows that seem to make up television, but it's not spectacular (Hugh Laurie pretty much makes the show). Why don't you like poker though? I have some pretty fond memories of playing poker.

Yea, I don't think anyone has the attention span to read through this entire post in a sitting. I'm surprised their are views/other people reading it. I never really consider what I say terribly interesting. And only one other person on this forum knows me personally, but we don't really talk and know so little about the other that he wouldn't care to read this. I guess people could pick up some good books and movies from reading this. I hope somebody who does read this will get the message of my small rant, and reply with an answer to the question.

You were raised with Strunk and White as well? I find that pretty funny, how people can live in total different places, but be raised on similar books.

What would you prefer me to read? Some people actually like others reading their rougher material, so i'm unsure of what you would prefer. I just love reading others peoples work because it tells you so much about their own character and often their wishes. For example, there is this one girl at my school who often writes these surreal, acid like stories, where she often is always surrounded by boys who want her. Those stories embody her wishes and dreams because the acid element is her always trying give off the vibe that she's this hippie, when she never actually has done hard drugs. The her being surrounded by guys is mainly how all her friends are males (she's very possessive over them, humorous to me) and how she wishes she is wanted by them all, even though in real life, as far as I have noticed (I pay very little attention to her group so I could be wrong) she is not.
I don't know if I made sense. I'm a little manic right now, so i'm trying to tone down the chatter that comes with it, but it's hard.

It's good that you write just to write, and not worry about if it fits a good "story." That often is the best kind, in my opinion(which sadly is not often the publics opinion).

I am faced with a moral delima though. In case you didn't know, I am bipolar. I don't like telling people because they judge and often consider me invalid and useless when they find out. But I was diagnosed when I was an adolescent, and they have very few records of adolescents with bipolar, so they want to publish my person journal mainly to help other teenagers who who suffer from this. I still am a teenager though, and they want to later publish a second journal, as one like after I learned to control. I don't want to personally, way to invasive of my personal space, and it seems really odd to have my personal thoughts on sale in a bookstore. But i'm torn because it apparently will help a lot of teenagers as well. You seem to have more wisdom than all of my friends, opinion, please?

Your bull riding story made me smile(i'm a bit sadistic, sorry). "Window maker" is a weird ass name for a bull though. Do you happen to know why the bull was blessed with name, "window maker?"

The Rooster story made me 'lol' as well, something about a rooster flying 20 feet through the air because your grandfather punted it is extremely humorous.

I know what you mean about difference of coasts. The West has always seemed very relaxed and intellectual to me, while the East is busy, high stress, bohemian artsy. Athens was scary urbanized to me, except for the Acropolis (Parthenon) and the blue, blue sea I did not really enjoy it. The islands are definitely what you want to go to, did you go to San Terianne (sp?) by any chance?

I'll check out the other two films as well. I'm one of those wierd people who tends to like foreign films more than American ones, which is ironic because I am absolutely terrible at foreign languages, hence me taking Latin.

Haha, your right, snow can be beautiful, but so can the tropics. And I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the snow on occasion. That must of taken a lot though to move to the North to help out your grandparents, really really amazingly sweet though.

I just read the end and saw that you were sending me the shorts, so ignore the question at the top. sorry. My email is swwheaton@gmail.com (I used to have a more creative email address, but it was starting to seem way to childish, especially for college stuff.)

Oscar nights tonight, and I can't decide if I care enough to watch. My dad was telling me all about the pomegranate martini that is spoused to be the new drink at the Oscars, the fact he knows that really discourages me from watching.

__________________
"it is only through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect that a certain type of perfection can be attained"

ItsRed

Most of my writing is on my laptop, so I'll look for some stuff to send tonight, but I may not get around to sending it until I get back from work in the morning.

I watched Amelie again and saw that she actually makes the tapes for the glass man, rather than the other way around. Pretty great movie. I think I've seen it probably six times now.

I haven't watched television in over a year, I did buy some episodes of The Office on iTunes and a DVD of the English versions first series. I just can't stand commercials.

As for handing over your personal journals, I don't have a huge confidence in the psychological community. I do think your journals could help others feel less alienated and provide them with insights as to what is happening, as well possibly give them insight into things that might trigger a depressive, or manic episode. And I do think that with you knowing about it, while writing the journal, it adds a level of recognition that could be increasingly beneficial. Of course there is a down side to having a journal published, or even writing one, but I do think there is a sincere benefit.

I don't really know much about the disorder, or what's physiologically associated as the neurological cause (chemical, or anatomical, or ??). I do know that there is a preponderance of stimuli that is targeted to get inside a persons' mind and if they're sensitive to such stimulus it could be very detrimental on just a processing level. I don't recall the full title, but I read a marketing book called Positioning: (Something like: 'the fight for the consumer mind') that was written in the 70's, when things were even less competitive. That book, along with Restak book The Brain: (something) made me realize there could very easily be neurological repercussions, particularly in the hyper-sensitive, from insidious marketing/ targeting activities as the brain works in a system that can be thrown out of whack, destabilized.

I'll try and read up on it, let me know if you have some suggested reading.


The only island I was on for any length of time (8 days) was Spetse, where my father lived for a year in in the 80's. I'd like to go back, I was amazed at how clear the Mediterranean is. I went during the pre-Iraq rhetoric so in Athens there was people rioting around the embassy everyday.

Oh you may, or may not have realized it was 'widow' as in a wife who's husband has died. Just a good ol' country way of saying, man-killer.

Gawd the time just flies by, I was going to look at my other post and see if it needed to be edited, because I was so tired. Oh, the short film was being worked on awhile ago, but has long since been abandoned and the band was on hiatus, but they're wanting to jam again, it's cyclical.

It always feels like I'm missing something in every post.

__________________
Dark Circle : They're here. Rocking your black night world since 2007.
http://www.unsignedbandweb.com/music/bands/7789/

Kevorkian Logic

I finally have time to sit and read and reply, this week has been hell. Literally hell. Every single person I know turned into a self-centered, idiotic lunatic(for lack of better words). And I got thrown in the dead center of it, because I usually don't care and don't involve myself too much in their dramatics, I got told all the stuff I didn't want to hear, because I wouldn't care enough to tell anyone. Plus, since I am finally well, all my teachers are giving me the piles and piles of make up work I have to do. Sorry, I know that was uninteresting, i'm just so extremely frustrated with life.

You must be the only person I know who hasn't watched TV in over a year. Is it just like cutting out caffeine or something? Once you get over a two week hump, you don't miss it?

The cause of the bipolar disorder is debatable between different people. My psychiatrist explained the reason I have it as a "kindling" metaphor. I have 6 generations of forms of mental illness (usually bipolar), making me very prone to developing it. Then I did drugs, which made the dormant gene, active. Then, late in my 10th grade year I had a series of extremely stressful events occur, which triggered it, and it kind of just spiraled out of control. In my 11th grade year, the symptoms started to get bad (My bipolar symptoms are often similar to that of schizophrenia) I started to hallucinate, forget what happened during chunks of time, be insanely impulse, lose control of my emotions, have no recollection of things i've said. Fun time. Basically, one day, when my dad decided to tell me (as he always does) that I am pathetic and useless and will amount to nothing, I decided to become nothing and I drank nail polish remover, luckily I threw it up, my mom saw what I was reduced to, took me to the hospital, they fixed me up (a good portion of my throat is still burned from the acid), and I went to a psychiatrist he deduced I was bipolar. Medicated me. I only have had one relapse and that was couple of weeks ago, and they fixed it by taking me away from school and people for a while. Otherwise I have been happy ever since. But that's where all the poetry came from, when I was crazy, I was also extremely creative. So yea, that's my slightly unhappy past, I really don't like to think about it too much though. I mean I am happy now, so why bother dwelling?

But yea, my journals are filled with stuff like that. The stuff I hallucinate or hear. I used to hear music a lot, it would be nice for about an hour, but then I would want to think with out it going, but I couldn't stop it. It was a whole other conscious in my brain that I couldn't turn off. And it was so loud. On the bright side the music was like nothing I had ever heard, it would blend every sound (birds calls, my dogs snoring, pen clicking, actual music as well) I had heard that day into one piece, and it was beautiful.

Now that I have explained exactly how crazy I am, do you see why I am so hesitant to publish my journal. I would die if all my friends knew that, I prefer to keep them in ignorant bliss.

Suggested reading on it? I have a couple of books, but I wouldn't suggest any of them. I really haven't found any source that gives good information on it.

There's a movie called Mania or Manic (i can't remember) that is kind of a decent portrayal on Mania. Fight Club, good for some of the schizo symptoms. A Beautiful Mind, decent for the schizo symptoms as well.

I have never hear of that island you went to. But i'm sure it was beautiful, all those islands were beautiful. Was the sand there black by any chance?

I am emailing you the first story (about the car trip). Tell me if you can't read my suggestions, or can't understand what I have written. I thought it was wonderful though. So original. And funny too, I like your sense of humor. Is there a reason though that you stopped quoting "Nuge?" That was the one thing I just couldn't figure out.

__________________
"it is only through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect that a certain type of perfection can be attained"