ItsRed

Read through parts of the novel, it's way too rough not to clean up, but there are maybe two chapters total I could send with disclaimers, I'll send one Saturday. I really doubt I'll go back and rewrite this anytime soon, if ever. I'm actually in a real 'fuck art, let's dance' (ala malkmus t-shirt, circa: 1993) mood.
Art is just seeming base right now. The 'out put' is just dumping garbage. I did do a couple paintings last week using only a butter-knife to get the paint on the canvas. That's about mood appropriate. No pretense of controlling precise details. Fuck 'em.

I also went to the NIMH website and looked over bi-polar disorder. I get so discouraged in just term 'mental health experts' anymore. I did put 'An Unquiet Mind' on the booklist, but right now I'm in a no input funk, so it'll be awhile. They mention that it's biological, but then go on to say that it can't be identified physiologically. It's stuff like that that leads me to think there is some piece of guess-work in the treatment, particularly treatment that involves the brain chemistry, that's a little bit like wearing boxing gloves to perform surgery, like blindfolded archery, sledgehammer mechanics.
The fuckers' got very little idea what they are fucking with.

But from the descriptions, I can see where your reservations about being 'the girl' and disclosing the journal come from (in both the mania and depression, as well as the brutal neutralization of any inhibitor meds). And I see where the 'seductive' aspect of your work comes from. I actually found that little bizarre in context. For myself any of the slight mania I've felt comes with utter indifference to others' attention, and much less their affection. But I wondered from just the sensation what it feels like, the urge and seduction, if it feels like you're being fed in a starved sensory way by their attention. If you feel their eyes in a way like you are devouring their attention, or if it's more passive, more submissive. It brings up some interesting question, but it's also a sensitive aspect/ topic to discuss.

I've had Malkmus playing since the start and now it's got me completely distracted, even though I'm feeling kind of chatty. Hope I don't miss the fucking italics.

I had a crap gin and tonic
at wounded knee (malk)

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Dark Circle : They're here. Rocking your black night world since 2007.
http://www.unsignedbandweb.com/music/bands/7789/

Kevorkian Logic

I finally have time to sit and read and reply, this week has been hell. Literally hell. Every single person I know turned into a self-centered, idiotic lunatic(for lack of better words). And I got thrown in the dead center of it, because I usually don't care and don't involve myself too much in their dramatics, I got told all the stuff I didn't want to hear, because I wouldn't care enough to tell anyone. Plus, since I am finally well, all my teachers are giving me the piles and piles of make up work I have to do. Sorry, I know that was uninteresting, i'm just so extremely frustrated with life.

You must be the only person I know who hasn't watched TV in over a year. Is it just like cutting out caffeine or something? Once you get over a two week hump, you don't miss it?

The cause of the bipolar disorder is debatable between different people. My psychiatrist explained the reason I have it as a "kindling" metaphor. I have 6 generations of forms of mental illness (usually bipolar), making me very prone to developing it. Then I did drugs, which made the dormant gene, active. Then, late in my 10th grade year I had a series of extremely stressful events occur, which triggered it, and it kind of just spiraled out of control. In my 11th grade year, the symptoms started to get bad (My bipolar symptoms are often similar to that of schizophrenia) I started to hallucinate, forget what happened during chunks of time, be insanely impulse, lose control of my emotions, have no recollection of things i've said. Fun time. Basically, one day, when my dad decided to tell me (as he always does) that I am pathetic and useless and will amount to nothing, I decided to become nothing and I drank nail polish remover, luckily I threw it up, my mom saw what I was reduced to, took me to the hospital, they fixed me up (a good portion of my throat is still burned from the acid), and I went to a psychiatrist he deduced I was bipolar. Medicated me. I only have had one relapse and that was couple of weeks ago, and they fixed it by taking me away from school and people for a while. Otherwise I have been happy ever since. But that's where all the poetry came from, when I was crazy, I was also extremely creative. So yea, that's my slightly unhappy past, I really don't like to think about it too much though. I mean I am happy now, so why bother dwelling?

But yea, my journals are filled with stuff like that. The stuff I hallucinate or hear. I used to hear music a lot, it would be nice for about an hour, but then I would want to think with out it going, but I couldn't stop it. It was a whole other conscious in my brain that I couldn't turn off. And it was so loud. On the bright side the music was like nothing I had ever heard, it would blend every sound (birds calls, my dogs snoring, pen clicking, actual music as well) I had heard that day into one piece, and it was beautiful.

Now that I have explained exactly how crazy I am, do you see why I am so hesitant to publish my journal. I would die if all my friends knew that, I prefer to keep them in ignorant bliss.

Suggested reading on it? I have a couple of books, but I wouldn't suggest any of them. I really haven't found any source that gives good information on it.

There's a movie called Mania or Manic (i can't remember) that is kind of a decent portrayal on Mania. Fight Club, good for some of the schizo symptoms. A Beautiful Mind, decent for the schizo symptoms as well.

I have never hear of that island you went to. But i'm sure it was beautiful, all those islands were beautiful. Was the sand there black by any chance?

I am emailing you the first story (about the car trip). Tell me if you can't read my suggestions, or can't understand what I have written. I thought it was wonderful though. So original. And funny too, I like your sense of humor. Is there a reason though that you stopped quoting "Nuge?" That was the one thing I just couldn't figure out.

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"it is only through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect that a certain type of perfection can be attained"

Kevorkian Logic

Woah, I just saw that we went onto a second page and missed that message above mine. So ignore the dated remarks in it

__________________
"it is only through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect that a certain type of perfection can be attained"

TheUsedToolguy

I just read through this thread and found it very readable. I'm glad to see there are some intelligent people on here, and well, just in the world, because sometimes you start to wonder. Also, I have a great interest in psychology like you guys. Just to comment real quickly It'sRed, I hate commercials to, and am impressed by that no T.V. thing. KL, if your interested in reading about neuroses, you would probably be interested in Freud. I don't have a specific book in mind, I just read some of his stuff in one of those philosopher encyclopedia series things, and he deals a lot w/ that.

Loser

Ok I got a headache from reading this thread, this is for writing poems or songs not talking about philosophy and such make a thread in the longe I'm tired of reading pages of crap.

TheUsedToolguy

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Hey guys, at least he read through the whole thing so he could give a more credible depiction of what he thought.

LMAO!!

Loser

No I just wasted 10-29 minutes of my life reading poinless stuff that I'll never use in life nor intrest me sooooo shut your trap.

sleepy jack

Then ignore the thread.

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TheUsedToolguy

dammit loser, I just thought it was funny that you went into the songwriting thread, which most people don't and then you randomly picked a thread, and read it and became annoyed w/ it, sooooooooooo shut your trap

Loser

Stop trying to start trouble and I didn't pick it randomly I read anything that has a new post which this did have one soo I read it and got annoyed with it. Happy mister know it all.