My Friends Bedroom (alternative, title, quote, memories, song)

SoulSoldier · 02-16-2007, 06:27 PM

I can post but not start a thread yet...so I hope you don't mind me putting this here.

My friends bedroom

Opening the door I enter in, respectfully,
The bed, still unmade from ‘that’ morning,
the CD’s by the hi-fi,
never to be played again,
If they were, they’d never sound the same,
in my friends bedroom.

The ashtray with it’s dimp’s,
Like a final request. (or, A final request?)
The clothes strewn across the floor,
the shoes, the jeans…the mess,
never to be worn again, lie,
in my friends bedroom.

The worn out guitar, standing lonely by the door,
waiting in vain, never to be strummed again.
No more future memories,
no rhythm nor rhyme.
And here I stand for the last time,
in my friends bedroom.

Downstairs, amidst the muffled sobs,
a soft voice drifts slowly upwards,
to my friends bedroom…
“Time to go”
Dressed in black, I leave and don’t look back,
at my friends bedroom.

It's a rough draft and I need help. Any advice will be appreciated.

sleepy jack · 02-16-2007, 06:31 PM

I put it into its own thread, i'll critique it in a little bit.

SoulSoldier · 02-16-2007, 06:43 PM

Thanks.
I wrote this based around the title,from a personal experience.
The problem I have is I don't like the title, unfortunately the phrase crops up throughout.
I'm looking for an alternative and ways to improve this overall. I'm stuck.

Loser · 02-16-2007, 06:49 PM

I like the imagery you used in this piece, the only thing I could say is I wish it was longer. Try to make it more abstract expand it and try to put make like a flash back of that day. But over all it's pretty good

sleepy jack · 02-16-2007, 06:49 PM

A title doesn't have to be something in the song, you can really make it anything though its best to make it relevant.

Quote:

Opening the door I enter in, respectfully,
The bed, still unmade from ‘that’ morning,
the CD’s by the hi-fi,
never to be played again,
If they were, they’d never sound the same,
in my friends bedroom.

I don't like 'in my friends bedroom' here, it just seems like something more powerful could be said -I don't know what- and isn't.

Quote:

The ashtray with it’s dimp’s,
Like a final request. (or, A final request?)
The clothes strewn across the floor,
the shoes, the jeans…the mess,
never to be worn again, lie,
in my friends bedroom.

This, just seems kind of weak and insignificant, it doesn't go anywhere and seems placed there for the sake of being placed there.

Quote:

The worn out guitar, standing lonely by the door,
waiting in vain, never to be strummed again.
No more future memories,
no rhythm nor rhyme.
And here I stand for the last time,
in my friends bedroom.

The last time sounds too melodramatic, the first four lines before that aren't bad though.

Quote:

Downstairs, amidst the muffled sobs,
a soft voice drifts slowly upwards,
to my friends bedroom…
“Time to go”
Dressed in black, I leave and don’t look back,
at my friends bedroom.

This is pretty good, but I don't like the constant returning to in my friends bedroom, it seems kind of trite for one and after hearing it four times it gets repetitive.

Though, I think the my friends bedroom has this certain childesque charm to it. It sounds less like something coming from an adult and more something from a kid, I don't know if I want you to change that part anymore. I don't know do with it what you will.

All in all, its pretty good for what it is, except the second verse.

SoulSoldier · 02-16-2007, 06:56 PM

The 2nd verse causes me the most problems along with the repeating of the title throughout and I agree. It annoys and there lies my problem.
Thanks, some good pointers there that have given me a fresh look and something to work with.

02-16-2007, 06:27 PM	#1 (permalink)
SoulSoldier Groupie Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: England Posts: 4	I can post but not start a thread yet...so I hope you don't mind me putting this here. My friends bedroom Opening the door I enter in, respectfully, The bed, still unmade from ‘that’ morning, the CD’s by the hi-fi, never to be played again, If they were, they’d never sound the same, in my friends bedroom. The ashtray with it’s dimp’s, Like a final request. (or, A final request?) The clothes strewn across the floor, the shoes, the jeans…the mess, never to be worn again, lie, in my friends bedroom. The worn out guitar, standing lonely by the door, waiting in vain, never to be strummed again. No more future memories, no rhythm nor rhyme. And here I stand for the last time, in my friends bedroom. Downstairs, amidst the muffled sobs, a soft voice drifts slowly upwards, to my friends bedroom… “Time to go” Dressed in black, I leave and don’t look back, at my friends bedroom. It's a rough draft and I need help. Any advice will be appreciated.

02-16-2007, 06:43 PM	#3 (permalink)
SoulSoldier Groupie Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: England Posts: 4	Thanks. I wrote this based around the title,from a personal experience. The problem I have is I don't like the title, unfortunately the phrase crops up throughout. I'm looking for an alternative and ways to improve this overall. I'm stuck.

02-16-2007, 06:49 PM	#4 (permalink)
Loser The Professor Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: New York City Posts: 1,113	I like the imagery you used in this piece, the only thing I could say is I wish it was longer. Try to make it more abstract expand it and try to put make like a flash back of that day. But over all it's pretty good

02-16-2007, 06:56 PM	#6 (permalink)
SoulSoldier Groupie Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: England Posts: 4	The 2nd verse causes me the most problems along with the repeating of the title throughout and I agree. It annoys and there lies my problem. Thanks, some good pointers there that have given me a fresh look and something to work with.