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02-11-2007, 07:58 PM | #1 (permalink) |
that's my war face.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,418
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Another Song. You Can Tell My Day Has been amazing Can't you.
A church on a lonely hilltop
makes even the strongest man cry sometimes I'm on a road to ruin, in a bedsit, I'm strewn, across the floor, with a photo frame in my hand The long walk across the shore, says it all, I remember when we could forget our lives for a second over a cappuchino and a coffee table faith is all so proposterous, we used to laugh, now irony has took me down the path road to ruin, in my bedroom, forgotten, across the floor, with a photo frame in my hand Done loads today, but I've seriously been a bit dangerously bored. Don't like this one, made in about 7 mins (yes I counted) thoughts? |
02-11-2007, 08:08 PM | #3 (permalink) |
dontcareaboutyou
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 5,188
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Please change path to road or something else. The rhyming made me cringe. Some cleaning up and making it more connected wouldn't hurt though all in all it's pretty good.
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02-11-2007, 10:36 PM | #4 (permalink) | |
Ban Captain Caveman
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In The Realms of Poetry
Posts: 560
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Disconnected rambling. What the hell was this about. The church lines were good, and then you do nothing with them.
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02-12-2007, 05:24 AM | #7 (permalink) | |
that's my war face.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,418
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Quote:
Maybe the next ones I write will be better... I'm not having another day in for a while, that's for sure. Ta for the advice anyways, even though I'm really not gonna progress on this one. |
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