Another Song. You Can Tell My Day Has been amazing Can't you. (country, bling)

TrampInaTux · 02-11-2007, 07:58 PM

A church on a lonely hilltop
makes even the strongest man cry sometimes
I'm on a road to ruin, in a bedsit, I'm strewn,
across the floor, with a photo frame in my hand

The long walk across the shore, says it all, I remember
when we could forget our lives for a second
over a cappuchino and a coffee table
faith is all so proposterous, we used to laugh,
now irony has took me down the path

road to ruin, in my bedroom, forgotten,
across the floor, with a photo frame in my hand

Done loads today, but I've seriously been a bit dangerously bored. Don't like this one, made in about 7 mins (yes I counted) thoughts?

sleepy jack · 02-11-2007, 08:03 PM

I think someone needs a hug and to watch the pokemon movie.

swim · 02-11-2007, 08:08 PM

Please change path to road or something else. The rhyming made me cringe. Some cleaning up and making it more connected wouldn't hurt though all in all it's pretty good.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-11-2007, 10:36 PM

Disconnected rambling. What the hell was this about. The church lines were good, and then you do nothing with them.

Strummer521 · 02-12-2007, 12:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrampInaTux

A church on a lonely hilltop
makes even the strongest man cry sometimes

Sounds like it could've come from a country song.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-12-2007, 12:19 AM

Lol, strummer.

TrampInaTux · 02-12-2007, 05:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by swimintheundertow

Please change path to road or something else. The rhyming made me cringe. Some cleaning up and making it more connected wouldn't hurt though all in all it's pretty good.

I didn't actually intend those words to rhyme.. I pronounce 'laugh' as 'larf'.

Maybe the next ones I write will be better... I'm not having another day in for a while, that's for sure.

Ta for the advice anyways, even though I'm really not gonna progress on this one.

Strummer521 · 02-12-2007, 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrampInaTux

I'm really not gonna progress on this one.

A wise choice.

02-11-2007, 07:58 PM	#1 (permalink)
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,418	Another Song. You Can Tell My Day Has been amazing Can't you. A church on a lonely hilltop makes even the strongest man cry sometimes I'm on a road to ruin, in a bedsit, I'm strewn, across the floor, with a photo frame in my hand The long walk across the shore, says it all, I remember when we could forget our lives for a second over a cappuchino and a coffee table faith is all so proposterous, we used to laugh, now irony has took me down the path road to ruin, in my bedroom, forgotten, across the floor, with a photo frame in my hand Done loads today, but I've seriously been a bit dangerously bored. Don't like this one, made in about 7 mins (yes I counted) thoughts?

02-11-2007, 08:08 PM	#3 (permalink)
swim dontcareaboutyou Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: North Carolina Posts: 5,188	Please change path to road or something else. The rhyming made me cringe. Some cleaning up and making it more connected wouldn't hurt though all in all it's pretty good. __________________ http://nakednaps.bandcamp.com/