Leave (effect, quote, song)

Sneer · 02-11-2007, 07:09 PM

i expect criticism for this, its not my natural style but i want to broaden my approach.

You sat, stark, no remorse
And I felt a tinge of panic scatter
Through this weathered frame
This mangled brain
And still you sat, nothing, stark.

A flurry of tears, dimming lights
A cacophony of silence
Baited breaths, snatched from the
Shores of a rapid flow
And still you sat, stark

Numbing hate, ice cold
Brazen fear, eclipsed by the
Tenures of scornful eye
In murky air
You sit, stark, reviled.

sleepy jack · 02-11-2007, 07:12 PM

Its pretty, but kind of trite, it doesn't have much substance.

Sneer · 02-11-2007, 07:16 PM

as in what? it lacks description, metaphor? meaning?

sleepy jack · 02-11-2007, 07:18 PM

Meaning, I think you need to add another verse or something that gets more indepth on it.

Sneer · 02-11-2007, 07:19 PM

lol, that post probably sounded really arseish, i meant 'meaning?' as in does it lack meaning? i'll work on another verse or two.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-11-2007, 10:43 PM

A flurry of tears, dimming lights
A cacophony of silence
Baited breaths, snatched from the
Shores of a rapid flow
^ The only part I can truly say I enjoyed reading. The rest was boring, trite, and needs more meaning, as Ethan said. Your word choice, aside from the part I pasted, wasn't that great either, particularly verse one. Less commas.

Strummer521 · 02-11-2007, 10:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stu

A cacophony of silence

Only Wilde can pull off a blatant paradox. It stands out, and my mind goes "that can't happen" then realizes it's intentional, but is still annoyed.

Sneer · 02-12-2007, 07:50 AM

^ how can you say 'only wilde can pull off a blatant paradox'? many poets have utilised it to great effect, im thinking gray, tennyson, healy and ****inson in particular. in fact, its a pretty common feature in poetry i say. i just obviously, in your opinion, didnt use it very well in this instance.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-12-2007, 02:31 PM

I thought the cacophony of silence line was the best here.

Crowe · 02-12-2007, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stu

^ how can you say 'only wilde can pull off a blatant paradox'? many poets have utilised it to great effect, im thinking gray, tennyson, healy and ****inson in particular. in fact, its a pretty common feature in poetry i say. i just obviously, in your opinion, didnt use it very well in this instance.

Strummer actually said something similarly generalizing in my song thread. ("If you don't want to be a bit subtle, it might make sense to write prose").

What's the deal Strumstrum? You seem to think only in blacks and whites.

02-11-2007, 07:09 PM	#1 (permalink)
Sneer Let it drip Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 5,430	Leave i expect criticism for this, its not my natural style but i want to broaden my approach. You sat, stark, no remorse And I felt a tinge of panic scatter Through this weathered frame This mangled brain And still you sat, nothing, stark. A flurry of tears, dimming lights A cacophony of silence Baited breaths, snatched from the Shores of a rapid flow And still you sat, stark Numbing hate, ice cold Brazen fear, eclipsed by the Tenures of scornful eye In murky air You sit, stark, reviled. __________________ LastFM Sneer's Emporium of Sound Fright Team radio show

02-11-2007, 07:16 PM	#3 (permalink)
Sneer Let it drip Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 5,430	as in what? it lacks description, metaphor? meaning? __________________ LastFM Sneer's Emporium of Sound Fright Team radio show

02-11-2007, 07:19 PM	#5 (permalink)
Sneer Let it drip Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 5,430	lol, that post probably sounded really arseish, i meant 'meaning?' as in does it lack meaning? i'll work on another verse or two. __________________ LastFM Sneer's Emporium of Sound Fright Team radio show

02-12-2007, 07:50 AM	#8 (permalink)
Sneer Let it drip Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 5,430	^ how can you say 'only wilde can pull off a blatant paradox'? many poets have utilised it to great effect, im thinking gray, tennyson, healy and **inson in particular. in fact, its a pretty common feature in poetry i say. i just obviously, in your opinion, didnt use it very well in this instance. __________________ LastFM Sneer's Emporium of Sound Fright Team radio show**