Sneer

i expect criticism for this, its not my natural style but i want to broaden my approach.

You sat, stark, no remorse
And I felt a tinge of panic scatter
Through this weathered frame
This mangled brain
And still you sat, nothing, stark.

A flurry of tears, dimming lights
A cacophony of silence
Baited breaths, snatched from the
Shores of a rapid flow
And still you sat, stark

Numbing hate, ice cold
Brazen fear, eclipsed by the
Tenures of scornful eye
In murky air
You sit, stark, reviled.

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sleepy jack

Its pretty, but kind of trite, it doesn't have much substance.

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Sneer

as in what? it lacks description, metaphor? meaning?

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sleepy jack

Meaning, I think you need to add another verse or something that gets more indepth on it.

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Sneer

lol, that post probably sounded really arseish, i meant 'meaning?' as in does it lack meaning? i'll work on another verse or two.

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PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

A flurry of tears, dimming lights
A cacophony of silence
Baited breaths, snatched from the
Shores of a rapid flow
^ The only part I can truly say I enjoyed reading. The rest was boring, trite, and needs more meaning, as Ethan said. Your word choice, aside from the part I pasted, wasn't that great either, particularly verse one. Less commas.

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Strummer521

Only Wilde can pull off a blatant paradox. It stands out, and my mind goes "that can't happen" then realizes it's intentional, but is still annoyed.

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Sneer

^ how can you say 'only wilde can pull off a blatant paradox'? many poets have utilised it to great effect, im thinking gray, tennyson, healy and ****inson in particular. in fact, its a pretty common feature in poetry i say. i just obviously, in your opinion, didnt use it very well in this instance.

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Crowe

Strummer actually said something similarly generalizing in my song thread. ("If you don't want to be a bit subtle, it might make sense to write prose").

What's the deal Strumstrum? You seem to think only in blacks and whites.

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Strummer521

I was exaggerating. Just using an example (and choosing Wilde because He seems to be most noted for that characteristic out of all writers, and is considered a paradox himself) to say that the paradox is difficult to pull off, and it seemed to disrupt my mind from the general flow of the poem because it registered as conspicuous and was very distracting. It seemed like something just added because he liked the fact that he knew the word "cacophony" and wanted to use it. The idea of silence being loud is a bit tired to me, and good vocabulary words don't enhance its level of poetic quality.

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