A Tale Of One So Familiar (Hang)

Sneer · 02-09-2007, 11:23 PM

A tale of one so familiar

In dark tranquillity, sits the mournful watcher.
A beacon of melancholy, mantled in deaths sheaf.
Amidst a plume of shadow, weeps this bitter slave
Alien in demeanour, of hell he is beneath.

Shackled in a void, beats this fading heart.
A plain of deprivation, congealed in blood and tears.
Morose and numb with grief, he sits a world apart -
From all and every man, bludgeoned by such fears.

Adorned in scars of war, he awaits the bitter end.
Obsolete amidst the smog, archaic bouts of hate.
Of what will greet him in the void, one cannot comprehend
Within the funnels of despair, sits hollow ducts of fate

Manacled in fading hope, as tyrants slowly stir
Incandescent raging spite, the shining spots disperse.
The stinging tail of natures might, this frightened beast incurs
A solemn end to tragic breaths, the last exhale so terse.

sleepy jack · 02-09-2007, 11:35 PM

I dig itt.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-10-2007, 01:13 AM

Good, but perhaps a few less adjectives, let the image itself be the evocation, we tend to use adjectives as a crutch too often (myself included). Pretty good otherwise.

Sneer · 02-15-2007, 03:52 PM

BUMP. Im really not happy with this one but i dont know how to change it, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism would be nice.

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-15-2007, 04:45 PM

I hope you weren't just bashing me.

Sneer · 02-15-2007, 06:35 PM

no i wasnt. i posted this way before you called me pretentious.

Crowe · 02-15-2007, 09:58 PM

Stuuu... hmm... I like it and I don't like it. I really like the imagery but like PHAP said, you seem to use it as a crutch and it muddles up the meaning of the piece. You say the same things a couple of times using synonyms... I do it and it bothers me, I was wondering if it bothers you? Each line of a piece is a propellant, supposed to move emotions - a constant flow, an ebb of personal meaning... coming back to an image (through different means) is acceptable, of course - but is it an image you'd like the reader to revisit, and then move on to a new one?

Sneer · 02-16-2007, 09:18 AM

lol, its actually about the most mundane object ever. Simply the moon. i cant say i've really picked up on it before but thats something i can work on. Now you've mentioned it, YES, it does bother me!

02-09-2007, 11:23 PM	#1 (permalink)
Sneer Let it drip Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 5,430	A Tale Of One So Familiar A tale of one so familiar In dark tranquillity, sits the mournful watcher. A beacon of melancholy, mantled in deaths sheaf. Amidst a plume of shadow, weeps this bitter slave Alien in demeanour, of hell he is beneath. Shackled in a void, beats this fading heart. A plain of deprivation, congealed in blood and tears. Morose and numb with grief, he sits a world apart - From all and every man, bludgeoned by such fears. Adorned in scars of war, he awaits the bitter end. Obsolete amidst the smog, archaic bouts of hate. Of what will greet him in the void, one cannot comprehend Within the funnels of despair, sits hollow ducts of fate Manacled in fading hope, as tyrants slowly stir Incandescent raging spite, the shining spots disperse. The stinging tail of natures might, this frightened beast incurs A solemn end to tragic breaths, the last exhale so terse. __________________ LastFM Sneer's Emporium of Sound Fright Team radio show

02-15-2007, 03:52 PM	#4 (permalink)
Sneer Let it drip Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 5,430	BUMP. Im really not happy with this one but i dont know how to change it, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism would be nice. __________________ LastFM Sneer's Emporium of Sound Fright Team radio show

02-15-2007, 06:35 PM	#6 (permalink)
Sneer Let it drip Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 5,430	no i wasnt. i posted this way before you called me pretentious. __________________ LastFM Sneer's Emporium of Sound Fright Team radio show

02-15-2007, 09:58 PM	#7 (permalink)
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 699	Stuuu... hmm... I like it and I don't like it. I really like the imagery but like PHAP said, you seem to use it as a crutch and it muddles up the meaning of the piece. You say the same things a couple of times using synonyms... I do it and it bothers me, I was wondering if it bothers you? Each line of a piece is a propellant, supposed to move emotions - a constant flow, an ebb of personal meaning... coming back to an image (through different means) is acceptable, of course - but is it an image you'd like the reader to revisit, and then move on to a new one? __________________

02-16-2007, 09:18 AM	#8 (permalink)
Sneer Let it drip Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 5,430	lol, its actually about the most mundane object ever. Simply the moon. i cant say i've really picked up on it before but thats something i can work on. Now you've mentioned it, YES, it does bother me! __________________ LastFM Sneer's Emporium of Sound Fright Team radio show