(i'm not good at titles) untitled #3 (single, Hang)

[Sneer]

Its very much a work in progress, i like one half a lot more than the other but i want criticism, so fire away. I know i somehow have to address the narrative structure but ignore that.

In air,
She sits,
Smothered in cloud
Yet her beauty shines bright
Unveiling the shroud
Remitted in dusk
I solemnly stare
As she ebbs away
Evading my glare
Immersed in the irony
Of a tranquil night
I dream of this beacon
This blissful light
And the wistful breeze
That soothes the core
Of a savage deity
Upon the shore
So now you must see
In perennial mist
I sit here alone
Entrenched in the piste
Of a million stars
Too far away
A million beacons
Shine in a day
Yet yours is my beam
And sodden with grief
To which I am shackled
As the single dead leaf
Crumbles upon
The dry scorched earth
You maim for its sin
The sin of rebirth
See you are divine
The bearer of fruits
Laced with a venom
Your envy recruits
And though you are tinged
With a myriad of flaws
I solemnly stare
Its you I adore.

[Ace]

Change adore to match the rythm, but that one is golden.
I thought for a moment it said *****, instead of sits......yeah...
It's very good though.

[Sneer]

I had to use adore to maintain the rhyming structure.

[Ace]

Ahh....I just don't see wear adore rhyms though.
I'll re-read.

[Sneer]

are we taking about the last line? Adore ryhmes in sound with flaw. Its a ver irksome link that needs adjusting, i realise that.

[Loser]

Stu if you were a women I would make love to you right now.

[Trauma]

It's not bad, the rhyming structure doesn't match the tone of the poem, it's drifty and sort of plays on the eyes to make them jump and skip through the lines.
The poem seems much more somber.
From the words you used, I gathered it to be highly metaphorical, it's an interesting read with good vocabulary.

[Sneer]

i wanted it to be quite choppy and fast-paced because it reflects how i feel on the subject matter. im very on the whole thing and i wanted to reflect that, you do make sense however so thank you

[Trauma]

Okay, I re-read it, it makes more sense now.
Don't turn all of your works into untitled poems about girls, that doesn't work out well.


The sketchy phrasing does suit it partially well.

And though your countenance
Isn't that of a dove
I solemnly stare
To you goes my love
?

[Sneer]

Originally Posted by Snickers

Okay, I re-read it, it makes more sense now.
Don't turn all of your works into untitled poems about girls, that doesn't work out well.
?

Funnily enough i dont write about 'girls' very often at all. the last couple have been because my life at the moment is all about bloody girls. Thus naturally its my natural inspiration. And i dont like titling my work, to me a title narrows the possibilities and meanings of a poem, i prefer to leave it untitled and let you work it out as you read.