(i'm not good at titles) untitled #3 (single, Hang)

Sneer · 02-07-2007, 07:23 PM

Its very much a work in progress, i like one half a lot more than the other but i want criticism, so fire away. I know i somehow have to address the narrative structure but ignore that.

In air,
She sits,
Smothered in cloud
Yet her beauty shines bright
Unveiling the shroud
Remitted in dusk
I solemnly stare
As she ebbs away
Evading my glare
Immersed in the irony
Of a tranquil night
I dream of this beacon
This blissful light
And the wistful breeze
That soothes the core
Of a savage deity
Upon the shore
So now you must see
In perennial mist
I sit here alone
Entrenched in the piste
Of a million stars
Too far away
A million beacons
Shine in a day
Yet yours is my beam
And sodden with grief
To which I am shackled
As the single dead leaf
Crumbles upon
The dry scorched earth
You maim for its sin
The sin of rebirth
See you are divine
The bearer of fruits
Laced with a venom
Your envy recruits
And though you are tinged
With a myriad of flaws
I solemnly stare
Its you I adore.

Ace · 02-07-2007, 07:26 PM

Change adore to match the rythm, but that one is golden.
I thought for a moment it said *****, instead of sits......yeah...
It's very good though.

Sneer · 02-07-2007, 07:32 PM

I had to use adore to maintain the rhyming structure.

Ace · 02-07-2007, 07:33 PM

Ahh....I just don't see wear adore rhyms though.
I'll re-read.

Sneer · 02-07-2007, 07:35 PM

are we taking about the last line? Adore ryhmes in sound with flaw. Its a ver irksome link that needs adjusting, i realise that.

Loser · 02-07-2007, 08:08 PM

Stu if you were a women I would make love to you right now.

Trauma · 02-07-2007, 08:59 PM

It's not bad, the rhyming structure doesn't match the tone of the poem, it's drifty and sort of plays on the eyes to make them jump and skip through the lines.
The poem seems much more somber.
From the words you used, I gathered it to be highly metaphorical, it's an interesting read with good vocabulary.

Sneer · 02-07-2007, 09:06 PM

i wanted it to be quite choppy and fast-paced because it reflects how i feel on the subject matter. im very

on the whole thing and i wanted to reflect that, you do make sense however so thank you

Trauma · 02-07-2007, 09:28 PM

Okay, I re-read it, it makes more sense now.
Don't turn all of your works into untitled poems about girls, that doesn't work out well.

The sketchy phrasing does suit it partially well.

And though your countenance
Isn't that of a dove
I solemnly stare
To you goes my love
?

sleepy jack · 02-08-2007, 03:36 AM

ILOVEIT, i'm sort of a sucker for these sort of things.

02-07-2007, 07:23 PM	#1 (permalink)
Sneer Let it drip Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 5,430	(i'm not good at titles) untitled #3 Its very much a work in progress, i like one half a lot more than the other but i want criticism, so fire away. I know i somehow have to address the narrative structure but ignore that. In air, She sits, Smothered in cloud Yet her beauty shines bright Unveiling the shroud Remitted in dusk I solemnly stare As she ebbs away Evading my glare Immersed in the irony Of a tranquil night I dream of this beacon This blissful light And the wistful breeze That soothes the core Of a savage deity Upon the shore So now you must see In perennial mist I sit here alone Entrenched in the piste Of a million stars Too far away A million beacons Shine in a day Yet yours is my beam And sodden with grief To which I am shackled As the single dead leaf Crumbles upon The dry scorched earth You maim for its sin The sin of rebirth See you are divine The bearer of fruits Laced with a venom Your envy recruits And though you are tinged With a myriad of flaws I solemnly stare Its you I adore. __________________ LastFM Sneer's Emporium of Sound Fright Team radio show

02-07-2007, 07:32 PM	#3 (permalink)
Sneer Let it drip Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 5,430	I had to use adore to maintain the rhyming structure. __________________ LastFM Sneer's Emporium of Sound Fright Team radio show

02-07-2007, 07:35 PM	#5 (permalink)
Sneer Let it drip Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 5,430	are we taking about the last line? Adore ryhmes in sound with flaw. Its a ver irksome link that needs adjusting, i realise that. __________________ LastFM Sneer's Emporium of Sound Fright Team radio show

02-07-2007, 08:59 PM	#7 (permalink)
Trauma snickers Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: detroit Posts: 2,194	It's not bad, the rhyming structure doesn't match the tone of the poem, it's drifty and sort of plays on the eyes to make them jump and skip through the lines. The poem seems much more somber. From the words you used, I gathered it to be highly metaphorical, it's an interesting read with good vocabulary. __________________ A mi no me importa nada Para mi la vida es un sueño Last edited by Trauma; 02-07-2007 at 09:17 PM.

02-07-2007, 09:06 PM	#8 (permalink)
Sneer Let it drip Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 5,430	i wanted it to be quite choppy and fast-paced because it reflects how i feel on the subject matter. im very on the whole thing and i wanted to reflect that, you do make sense however so thank you __________________ LastFM Sneer's Emporium of Sound Fright Team radio show

02-07-2007, 08:08 PM	#6 (permalink)
Loser The Professor Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: New York City Posts: 1,113	Stu if you were a women I would make love to you right now.

02-07-2007, 09:28 PM	#9 (permalink)
Trauma snickers Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: detroit Posts: 2,194	Okay, I re-read it, it makes more sense now. Don't turn all of your works into untitled poems about girls, that doesn't work out well. The sketchy phrasing does suit it partially well. And though your countenance Isn't that of a dove I solemnly stare To you goes my love ? __________________ A mi no me importa nada Para mi la vida es un sueño