|
Register | Blogging ![]() |
Today's Posts | Search |
![]() |
|
Thread Tools
![]() |
Display Modes
![]() |
![]() |
#1 (permalink) |
Im Just As Sweet!!!:)
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: america
Posts: 570
|
![]()
Its my very first one i posted so give me ways to make poems better and what not especially Crowquill your good at these kind of things.Here it is
I came home from school that night I wish I had came earlier Screams fill the house with freight Not sure what to do Im scared myself He Hurts and hurts Im forced to think Hell is a place called home I try to tell him to calm down And its very painfull Everything flys by him Nothing matters to him He doesnt know That I think Hell is a place called home So yah thats it be brutal but not to brutal ![]()
__________________
Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
#2 (permalink) |
Let it drip
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 5,430
|
![]()
Seems this is from an experience very deep to you which always gives a poem more edge. But you need to be alot more descriptive and free in your approach, i like the "hell is a place called home" but its like your holding back to me.
|
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
#3 (permalink) |
Im Just As Sweet!!!:)
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: america
Posts: 570
|
![]()
Well thanks and ill work on it a little tonight and tomorrow
__________________
Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
#6 (permalink) |
Im Just As Sweet!!!:)
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: america
Posts: 570
|
![]()
Thanks all
__________________
Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
#7 (permalink) |
Imperfectly Perfect
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 1,290
|
![]()
"I came home from school that night
I wish I had came earlier" I wish I had COME earlier " Screams fill the house with freight" All I can picture is that you live in some disneyworld haunted house, in which ghosts are popping out of the wall. Also the same comment about your vocabulary as I have made before-- it's elementary at the best.
__________________
"it is only through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect that a certain type of perfection can be attained" |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
#8 (permalink) |
Im Just As Sweet!!!:)
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: america
Posts: 570
|
![]()
Why thank you!And i try to say it right but i type to fast sometimes
__________________
Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
#10 (permalink) | |
Ban Captain Caveman
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In The Realms of Poetry
Posts: 560
|
![]()
Honestly...it sucks. The premise is fine, the execution sucked. It's just...boring. A lack of fright, of description, and of good word choice. Never end two consecutive lines with the same word. Ever. EVER. Sorry, but, you should probably rethink this one.
__________________
Quote:
|
|
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
|