Hell (house, song)

skindredluver · 01-31-2007, 08:35 PM

Its my very first one i posted so give me ways to make poems better and what not especially Crowquill your good at these kind of things.Here it is

I came home from school that night
I wish I had came earlier
Screams fill the house with freight
Not sure what to do
Im scared myself
He Hurts and hurts
Im forced to think
Hell is a place called home
I try to tell him to calm down
And its very painfull
Everything flys by him
Nothing matters to him
He doesnt know
That I think
Hell is a place called home

So yah thats it be brutal but not to brutal

Sneer · 01-31-2007, 08:43 PM

Seems this is from an experience very deep to you which always gives a poem more edge. But you need to be alot more descriptive and free in your approach, i like the "hell is a place called home" but its like your holding back to me.

skindredluver · 01-31-2007, 08:44 PM

Well thanks and ill work on it a little tonight and tomorrow

Loser · 02-01-2007, 04:37 PM

A great platform to make a great poem/song. I agree with stu get discriptive.

ZeppelinAir · 02-01-2007, 05:29 PM

more description and it will be great

skindredluver · 02-01-2007, 07:05 PM

Thanks all

Kevorkian Logic · 02-04-2007, 09:35 PM

"I came home from school that night
I wish I had came earlier"

I wish I had COME earlier

" Screams fill the house with freight"
All I can picture is that you live in some disneyworld haunted house, in which ghosts are popping out of the wall.

Also the same comment about your vocabulary as I have made before-- it's elementary at the best.

skindredluver · 02-05-2007, 04:35 PM

Why thank you!And i try to say it right but i type to fast sometimes

right-track · 02-05-2007, 05:14 PM

" Screams fill the house with freight"

Surely you mean 'fright'.

Unless of course the screams are the cause of cargo suddenly appearing in your home?

PaperHurricanesAndPlanes · 02-05-2007, 08:54 PM

Honestly...it sucks. The premise is fine, the execution sucked. It's just...boring. A lack of fright, of description, and of good word choice. Never end two consecutive lines with the same word. Ever. EVER. Sorry, but, you should probably rethink this one.

01-31-2007, 08:35 PM	#1 (permalink)
skindredluver Im Just As Sweet!!!:) Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: america Posts: 570	Hell Its my very first one i posted so give me ways to make poems better and what not especially Crowquill your good at these kind of things.Here it is I came home from school that night I wish I had came earlier Screams fill the house with freight Not sure what to do Im scared myself He Hurts and hurts Im forced to think Hell is a place called home I try to tell him to calm down And its very painfull Everything flys by him Nothing matters to him He doesnt know That I think Hell is a place called home So yah thats it be brutal but not to brutal __________________ Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich

01-31-2007, 08:43 PM	#2 (permalink)
Sneer Let it drip Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 5,430	Seems this is from an experience very deep to you which always gives a poem more edge. But you need to be alot more descriptive and free in your approach, i like the "hell is a place called home" but its like your holding back to me. __________________ LastFM Sneer's Emporium of Sound Fright Team radio show

01-31-2007, 08:44 PM	#3 (permalink)
skindredluver Im Just As Sweet!!!:) Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: america Posts: 570	Well thanks and ill work on it a little tonight and tomorrow __________________ Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich

02-01-2007, 05:29 PM	#5 (permalink)
ZeppelinAir Long time no see Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: somewhere in Michigan Posts: 512	more description and it will be great __________________ not that old signature

02-01-2007, 07:05 PM	#6 (permalink)
skindredluver Im Just As Sweet!!!:) Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: america Posts: 570	Thanks all __________________ Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich

02-01-2007, 04:37 PM	#4 (permalink)
Loser The Professor Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: New York City Posts: 1,113	A great platform to make a great poem/song. I agree with stu get discriptive.

02-04-2007, 09:35 PM	#7 (permalink)
Kevorkian Logic Imperfectly Perfect Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: North Carolina Posts: 1,290	"I came home from school that night I wish I had came earlier" I wish I had COME earlier " Screams fill the house with freight" All I can picture is that you live in some disneyworld haunted house, in which ghosts are popping out of the wall. Also the same comment about your vocabulary as I have made before-- it's elementary at the best. __________________ "it is only through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect that a certain type of perfection can be attained"

02-05-2007, 04:35 PM	#8 (permalink)
skindredluver Im Just As Sweet!!!:) Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: america Posts: 570	Why thank you!And i try to say it right but i type to fast sometimes __________________ Let them live in the stillness and know the flame. They will loose all and give all.. Boys are like lava lamps: fun to look at but not so bright Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich

02-05-2007, 05:14 PM	#9 (permalink)
right-track Atchin' Akai Join Date: May 2005 Location: Unamerica Posts: 8,723	" Screams fill the house with freight" Surely you mean 'fright'. Unless of course the screams are the cause of cargo suddenly appearing in your home?