She Left With My Heart Destined To Never Return (quote, memory)

gottaSCREM · 01-24-2007, 06:59 PM

I need alot of suggestions on this one. Please!!

She Left With My Heart Destined To Never Return

My heart cries
Every passing day it dies alittle more
The scars that won't heal
The lonlieness is forever more
She left with my heart
Destined to never return
She said those famous last words
That still haunts my memory
Every tear that I cry reminds me of how much rejection hurts
I wish I can find a way out of this four walled world
Rejections cold, love hurts
It's the story of my life
And the haunting reality
Life is un fair and to difficult to figure out
The once heart of gold, tarnished by heart break
People say soul mates are hard to come by
The one's that find them are treated with eternal happiness
For the rest of us
All we're left with is
A heart full of thorns and an eye full of tears.

cardboard adolescent · 01-24-2007, 07:13 PM

How's this, drop the teenage angst, get rid of all the cliches, and try saying something original.

Crowe · 01-24-2007, 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cardboard adolescent

How's this, drop the teenage angst, get rid of all the cliches, and try saying something original.

yep

sleepy jack · 01-24-2007, 07:41 PM

I only read the first three lines before deciding to second that yep.

swim · 01-24-2007, 07:43 PM

I read them all because I thought that there might be one that was decent but no this is complete crap. Throw this shite away.

tdoc210 · 01-24-2007, 07:53 PM

..and burn it. and take the ashes, and send them into space.

gottaSCREM · 01-24-2007, 08:10 PM

Maybe if you took the time out of your lives and read what I put on the top. it says SUGGESTIONS PLEASE!!!!! thats what I would like.

swim · 01-24-2007, 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by swimintheundertow

I read them all because I thought that there might be one that was decent but no this is complete crap. Throw this shite away.

I was suggestive. There isn't anything good about it. The topic is trite and the wording is horrible. Try again.

gottaSCREM · 01-24-2007, 08:15 PM

Any suggestions on how to make it better.

sleepy jack · 01-24-2007, 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by swimintheundertow

There isn't anything good about it. The topic is trite and the wording is horrible. Try again.

As swim said, dump it. I mean c'mon "She said those famous last words that still haunts my memory". Terrible wording, terrible line. Its so boring and predictable.

01-24-2007, 06:59 PM	#1 (permalink)
gottaSCREM A Thorn For Every Heart Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: U.S.A Posts: 248	She Left With My Heart Destined To Never Return I need alot of suggestions on this one. Please!! She Left With My Heart Destined To Never Return My heart cries Every passing day it dies alittle more The scars that won't heal The lonlieness is forever more She left with my heart Destined to never return She said those famous last words That still haunts my memory Every tear that I cry reminds me of how much rejection hurts I wish I can find a way out of this four walled world Rejections cold, love hurts It's the story of my life And the haunting reality Life is un fair and to difficult to figure out The once heart of gold, tarnished by heart break People say soul mates are hard to come by The one's that find them are treated with eternal happiness For the rest of us All we're left with is A heart full of thorns and an eye full of tears. __________________ The Person You Love To Hate

01-24-2007, 07:43 PM	#5 (permalink)
swim dontcareaboutyou Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: North Carolina Posts: 5,188	I read them all because I thought that there might be one that was decent but no this is complete crap. Throw this shite away. __________________ http://nakednaps.bandcamp.com/

01-24-2007, 07:53 PM	#6 (permalink)
tdoc210 ashes against the grain Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: new hampsha Posts: 2,617	..and burn it. and take the ashes, and send them into space. __________________ We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember... I... I... I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God... the genius of that.

01-24-2007, 08:10 PM	#7 (permalink)
gottaSCREM A Thorn For Every Heart Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: U.S.A Posts: 248	Maybe if you took the time out of your lives and read what I put on the top. it says SUGGESTIONS PLEASE!!!!! thats what I would like. __________________ The Person You Love To Hate

01-24-2007, 08:15 PM	#9 (permalink)
gottaSCREM A Thorn For Every Heart Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: U.S.A Posts: 248	Any suggestions on how to make it better. __________________ The Person You Love To Hate

01-24-2007, 07:13 PM	#2 (permalink)
cardboard adolescent ;) Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: CA Posts: 3,503	How's this, drop the teenage angst, get rid of all the cliches, and try saying something original.