She Left With My Heart Destined To Never Return
 

I need alot of suggestions on this one. Please!!

How's this, drop the teenage angst, get rid of all the cliches, and try saying something original.

yep

I only read the first three lines before deciding to second that yep.

I read them all because I thought that there might be one that was decent but no this is complete crap. Throw this shite away.

..and burn it. and take the ashes, and send them into space.

Maybe if you took the time out of your lives and read what I put on the top. it says SUGGESTIONS PLEASE!!!!! thats what I would like.

I was suggestive. There isn't anything good about it. The topic is trite and the wording is horrible. Try again.

Any suggestions on how to make it better.

As swim said, dump it. I mean c'mon "She said those famous last words that still haunts my memory". Terrible wording, terrible line. Its so boring and predictable.

Whatever dudes.

You know, if you post a song and ask for suggestions and people give them to you, even if they aren't praise you shouldn't act like a prick and be all 'whatever dude' maybe you should consider taking their advice and quit writing your shitty hawthorne heights wannabe lyrics and try and do something different.

You know why I don't like you? You don't listen. You ask for suggestions and we tell you is beyond repair the efforts better spent on picking a better topic, something unique and creative, learning a couple new words, reading books and becoming better with how you word things. I literally read through every line and to every single and every time my thought was damn this is cliche. MB as a whole knows more than you, listen arshole.

Your suggestions consist of "dump it" "it sucks" why not help and give a way of changing lines or re wording something instead of saying those things. I respect your "suggestions" but I was looking for more than what you post.

Way to blow off our reasoning. No matter how well you word it its still cliche, predictable and a bad topic.

I've only had to do this once before, but I am done reading your stuff and helping you, being a prick about it is going to get you even more disliked then you are.

Figures. You know maybe if you guys gave me a chance or even hear my words maybe you wouldn't feel that way. Go ahead and don't read I ask for more in depth suggestions but all you offer is a cliche wording, I'm sorry if my wording upsets you but what I write is how I feel if you don't like it than it's better if you don't read it.

My heart cries
Mentioning heart ever is tricky business and isn't easy to not sound stupid when using it.
Every passing day it dies alittle more
Not only is it jumpy it's cliche. Shallow and more or less meaningless.
The scars that won't heal
Again jumpy no flow. This is all very vague.
The lonlieness is forever more
Again very shallow, generic. Means nothing to me. Describe something!
She left with my heart
Cheesy.
Destined to never return
Cheesier.

She said those famous last words
That still haunts my memory
Every tear that I cry reminds me of how much rejection hurts
I wish I can find a way out of this four walled world
Rejections cold, love hurts
It's the story of my life
And the haunting reality
Life is un fair and to difficult to figure out
The once heart of gold, tarnished by heart break
People say soul mates are hard to come by
The one's that find them are treated with eternal happiness
For the rest of us
All we're left with is
A heart full of thorns and an eye full of tears.

I could pick apart the rest but the thing is I'd just say it lacks flow and it's generic. Isn't the point of doing anything to make something different? So try to think of something you've never heard before and describe that. Those are good poems.

That's what I'm talking about. Now that helps

how is that any more helpful? all he's done is take every critcism you've already got, broken them down into oe line phrases, and placed one under EVERY SINGLE LINE. He even said it was pointless of him to do so to the entire song, since it's just repeating what everyone has said already. The gist of it is, the ENTIRE SONG is cliche, generic, meaningless, and tedious to read.

Hey.

I don't have penis.

At least now I know what lines are "cheesy" or need to be changed. Before I got "dump it" this helps way more.

hahaha, sorry, i keep forgetting you're a girl. I shouldnt do that really, everyone always used to think i was a guy when i first joined this forum.

:offtopic:

but she said she wouldnt continue with the critique becase EVERY LINE would have the words "cheesy and needs to be changed" under it.

and as for us being off topic, we've critiqued the song, it's unanimous, EVERYTHING is cheesy, EVERY LINE needs to be changed. what more do you want us to say? would you like some synonyms for the words cheesy and cliche?

i love this song. i think it flows well and it makes me look at love and the entire mystery of human existence in a new way. look out dylan you've met your match!

you've all been very harsh here, maybe he is a teenager and maybe he's just writing whats on his mind, thats what poetry is about at the end of the day. You should give him a break.

Harsh indeed I actually liked it. Letting your heart out on paper from anger to heartbreak to family issues may not be good it still releaves the person of the burden to deal with it. Poetry and music go hand in hand with letting your feelings out it may not be shared with other people, but the only thing that matters is feeling good to let out such emotions.

My God pick up a book.

How cute, did you cut up pop-emo lyrics, scramble them together, and pick a few?

If you did, you had a bad hand...

it has a problem with flow, a lot of the lines dont go to gather well, still there a few good lines in there, it does need quite a bit of work, keep working on it think of more detailed words to replace the overused ones

you couldnt have been more helpful with your suggestions. GET you need to pay more attention to the structure, in particular your use of syllables. And repetition of words is ok but here you need to use a wider range of vocabulary. On the topic... write about whatever is closest to you.