At least now I know what lines are "cheesy" or need to be changed. Before I got "dump it" this helps way more.

hahaha, sorry, i keep forgetting you're a girl. I shouldnt do that really, everyone always used to think i was a guy when i first joined this forum.

:offtopic:

but she said she wouldnt continue with the critique becase EVERY LINE would have the words "cheesy and needs to be changed" under it.

and as for us being off topic, we've critiqued the song, it's unanimous, EVERYTHING is cheesy, EVERY LINE needs to be changed. what more do you want us to say? would you like some synonyms for the words cheesy and cliche?

i love this song. i think it flows well and it makes me look at love and the entire mystery of human existence in a new way. look out dylan you've met your match!

you've all been very harsh here, maybe he is a teenager and maybe he's just writing whats on his mind, thats what poetry is about at the end of the day. You should give him a break.

Harsh indeed I actually liked it. Letting your heart out on paper from anger to heartbreak to family issues may not be good it still releaves the person of the burden to deal with it. Poetry and music go hand in hand with letting your feelings out it may not be shared with other people, but the only thing that matters is feeling good to let out such emotions.

My God pick up a book.

How cute, did you cut up pop-emo lyrics, scramble them together, and pick a few?

If you did, you had a bad hand...

it has a problem with flow, a lot of the lines dont go to gather well, still there a few good lines in there, it does need quite a bit of work, keep working on it think of more detailed words to replace the overused ones