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Old 01-06-2007, 12:33 PM   #11 (permalink)
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No, it is the truth. But its your poem/song/whatever so its up to you. Im just offering some constructive criticism, which you asked for.
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Old 01-06-2007, 05:43 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by oojay View Post
No, it is the truth. But its your poem/song/whatever so its up to you. Im just offering some constructive criticism, which you asked for.
Nah, what you're offering is your bush loving bible brainwashed opinion.
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Ive seen you on muiltipul forums saying Metallica and slayer are the worst **** you kid go suck your **** while you listen to your ****ing emo **** I bet you do listen to emo music
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Old 01-06-2007, 05:44 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Nah, what you're offering is your bush loving bible brainwashed opinion.
Not happenin' lil buddy. Find someone else to argue with
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Old 01-06-2007, 05:52 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Unforunately, I agree, it wasn't very helpful, at all.

Also, the political BS was in it from the beginning, the title itself is a stab at those anti-*** marriage. Maybe if you pull your head out of Pat Robertson's ass, you'll see that.
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Wolverinewolfweiselpigeon said:

What's with people dying? Shit.

Last edited by PaperHurricanesAndPlanes; 01-06-2007 at 11:27 PM.
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Old 01-06-2007, 11:37 PM   #15 (permalink)
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politics aside lets focus on the song itself. it doesn't seem like really anything more than a few choice sentences to push these issues we already are very aware about. remember music has got to be entertaining, it can't just be whiny, so maybe dress the issues into a narrative form or some more touching.
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Old 01-06-2007, 11:56 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I'm sorry, did you just call me whiny?
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Wolverinewolfweiselpigeon said:

What's with people dying? Shit.
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Old 01-07-2007, 05:55 AM   #17 (permalink)
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sure did moko.

its like a dont smoke advertisment
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Old 01-07-2007, 08:44 AM   #18 (permalink)
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I agree that it's a bit whiny. To me it seems whiny because of the persons in which it's written. So much of it is along the lines of "YOU are picking on US". When I read it, the first time I see that something in my mind thinks "well, I am not picking on you*, so this poem is a fiction" and it kind of forces me to switch off.

As I'm not a *** person who is being picked on by somebody for my sexuality, then it isn't going to connect with me at all when you've written it from that perspective. So, once again, I also see it as whiny.

What I'd suggest is that you could change it around so that the person in the poem is the one who is picking on the *** people.

Such as,

"My hate, and my vicious placards, don't see to stop anything.
Showing love means breaking the law, yet they say "so be it".
I scream at them through one corner of my mouth,
And tell my kids to stop having sex with the other.
"

Which I think makes it more interesting.

BTW, I italicised a bit which I found very funny because it insinuated that the person's kids were having sex with one side of the person's mouth. Bahahaha.
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Old 01-07-2007, 11:00 AM   #19 (permalink)
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The "you" doesn't always, and in fact RARELY refers to the reader, in my experience.
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What's with people dying? Shit.
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Old 01-07-2007, 02:24 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Oh, my bad. I hadn't realised you were such a seasoned pro. Maybe you could offer an explanation for why I can't get into your poem, don't feel a connection with it and don't feel affected at all by what I assume is its intended message then?
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When Pete plays it is 100% live , your music if that's what you call it doesn't sound so good either? so you can't really critercize can you ?
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