PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

A poem I wrote.

The Air in Which We Search For A Deeper Meaning

Night comes down upon us, like a silver hammer upon a nail.
It’s conclusive in assumed nature, devout in alleged intent.
Savoir-faire savior, and catastrophe imminent.

It washes the Earth. Bringing to us nothing but mystery.
As we dig deep, deep, for meaning. Why does it break us?

A moon shows the way to a city brawl.
The stars lit the luminous path, millions of miles away,
Safe and sound, hanging as if by strings.

Under a sky, beautiful intricacy in the design, crispness of the picture before you.
Constellations, drawings in the sky, remind us all of a synthetic history.
And pave and paint the road for new remedies to create tragedies.

The stars, hover above us, in pretension, in abhorrence and self-righteousness.
Can we find what we’re looking for, in a place so far beyond our own intentions?
Piety in the sky, the air which we search for a deeper meaning and omnipotence.

What have our searches brought us?
Nothing but more innuendo and estimation.

Sacrilegious stars pound at humankind’s door.
Malicious limelights, shone bright over assaults and homicides.
One such star, leans down to me, and says in an oh-so-holy way, “Fuck you.”

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sleepy jack

DR pwnz, I love it.
Except i should probably call you PHAP instead, which sounds like..<.<

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Crowe

I thought it was interesting how you wrote that LedZep had no similes, methaphors, (insert other, familiar literary devices here)... but when I come to your piece it screams "I'm trying really hard to stuff my piece full of literary devices." What you sacrifice is clarity of intent and message, and overall any kind of flow that you may have hoped for. You do the same with your vocabulary. You alienate your listeners by throwing a lexicon at them. Yeah, I can go to a thesaurus and look up the 8 different synonyms for beautiful... does that make me special? No. Now, nothing is wrong with range of vocabulary... but come on man. And again, most of your lines and your collective intent comes off as structurally and aesthetically ambiguous. So in the end, you have reached no one, because people stopped caring after the first section. If you have a real command of the language, you can make things interesting without the million dollar words.

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PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

Omnipotence, Savior-faire...yeah, those are the only "million dollar words" I see. The others you can pretty much learn from getting an education. Besides an admitted overabundance of imagery, I don't see much in the way of techniques. No real metaphor, one or two similes. I wouldn't say it's overstuffed with much other than imagery.

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Crowe

Apparently we have different definitions of a "million dollar word", but I'm not going to argue colloquialistic symantics. Instead, I'll rephrase it... the piece comes off as gaudy, overblown... emm... overambitious? Excessive? Yes, I think "excessive" fits this one.

Metaphors, similes and imagery are not the ends of literary devices or rhetortical concepts. What I see it overstuffed with is allegorical fluff (and the admitted imagery). This also fits into the formerly mentioned excess. And again, I don't think that you need all of that - in fact I think it hinders, rather than facilitates your point.

In summary: You are being too "arty" for your own good.

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sleepy jack

Uh, the only word in here i've never heard before is "Savior-faire". All the other big words I read/here frequently. Maybe if you pick up something other then Harry Potter and Eragorn these words won't seem so foreign* and intimidating*.

*foreign, alien, not normal
*intimidating, overawe, scary

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PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

Lmfao. Nice Crowquill, nice. I suppose you're right to a degree Crowe. Luckily, this is an older piece of mine, I'm a bit less artsy now. I basically used it as a test run piece, if you will. Thanks for the crit though.

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Crowe

For some reason I feel like I came off as being harsh... I don't want it to come off that way - I wrote the way I wrote because you seem to be an intelligent person due to the way you wrote, and commented on someone else's piece. It wasn't through arrogance or anything, just talking in ways that writer's talk to each other, after all, I am one. However, I see now, that I did not mention how much I liked the idea and the direction of the piece, and the reason I am bothered by all of the bulky words is because you are taking away from the meaning instead of adding to it, imo.

About the words, since Crowquill felt the need to stand up for you *which was unneeded, as I wasn't attacking you* the problem isn't whether or not I understand the words, personally. Crowquill, when you can explain to me the correlation between literary devices and rhetorical concepts, and their functional importance to literary technique... then you can throw a dictionary's definition at me :-D. However, I think as writers we owe a little bit to our readers, no? Some readers will understand this, and some will not. You can not base your readers' educations on your own, and not allow any lee-way.

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sleepy jack

It wasn't an attack it was a joke senor relaxo.

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PaperHurricanesAndPlanes

Well, my readers can read my poems like I listen to Bad Religion...with a dictionary. I'm not even joking. I literally listen to songs I haven't heard by them with dictionary.com up. I think that if they are too lazy to look up a word, they don't deserve to read good poetry anyway. Probably harsh, but I just don't really give a shit. Lol. Again, thanks for the crit on my test run.

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