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Old 12-28-2006, 04:54 AM   #1 (permalink)
Long time no see
 
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: somewhere in Michigan
Posts: 512
Default The Untitled

i was bored and just started puting **** down so, whatever..........



The Untitled

What if I wanted to say what’s on my mind,
Would you listen or would laugh and leave,
You know I beg to hear those words so kind,
But I don’t want to cross that line,
I don’t know how you feel,
But I wonder if it’s the same…….

Let Me Know…
Just what you think about,
Let Me Know…,
How feel about me,

I remember the days in the summer then,
Never be able to forget the times we shared,
You never wore a frown always a smile,
The months withered away and are gone,
Time has gone on and everyone is their own,
Everyone fallowed the paths given……..

Let Me Know…
Just what you think about,
Let Me Know…,
How feel about me,

And now the we have grown and are closer than ever,
Though I still wonder about how you feel,
But I know you know how I feel,
I only pray that you feel the same as I,
So please…..please…..

Let Me Know…
Just what you think about,
Let Me Know…,
How feel about me
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Old 01-01-2007, 10:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Location: In The Realms of Poetry
Posts: 560
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On the bright side, your avatar is awesome.

What if I wanted to say what’s on my mind,
Would you listen or would laugh and leave,
You know I beg to hear those words so kind,
But I don’t want to cross that line,
I don’t know how you feel,
But I wonder if it’s the same…….
^ What if I said this bored me? No imagery, creative word choice, use of any other literary techniques here. C'mon.

Let Me Know…
Just what you think about,
Let Me Know…,
How feel about me
^ It should be "how you feel" and this is just boring subpar emo. Sorry.

It's the same throughout this song. Subpar, boring, lack of creativity or use of anything remotely resembling metaphor or simile or imagery. Sorry.
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Old 01-01-2007, 11:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Location: PA
Posts: 1,531
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I'm almost pisitive that I've heard the first three lines of the first paragraph somewhere before. . . .

oh well.

You should either ditch the sentire second stanza in its entirety or change the first line of the third stanza.

the very last line must go.

. . . No idea what else to say . . .
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