When We're All Gone (widow, quote, Hang)

ZeppelinAir · 11-11-2006, 04:20 AM

When We’re All Gone

I have to get rid of you from deep inside my head,
Through out all the insults that you had ever said,
I know you didn’t mean a damn thing that you would say,
Just lying through your teethe night and day,

And you cant believe that they all up and leave,
But you’ll be sorry when we’re all gone,

Deep inside your soul there’s a wound that just wont heal,
Its infected just like a black widows bites,
A bite that kills your mind,
So You scream at every shadow that crosses your path,
And it reminds you of the very reason why we’re all gone,

You laughed the loudest of us all,
Now that laughter is all gone,
The jokes that where told,
The words that where sold,
So now your sorry that we’re gone

And you still cant believe that we up and left,
All alone you wonder if you will die alone,

Deep inside your soul there’s a wound that just wont heal,
Its infected just like a black widows bites,
A bite that kills your mind,
So You scream at every shadow that crosses your path,
And it reminds you of the very reason why we’re all gone,

sleepy jack · 11-11-2006, 04:26 AM

I'll full on critique this proper when I get a chance, first notice something that bothers me about your writing a bit is (I may have you confused with someone else) but how you do this.

Its infected just like a black widows bites,
A bite that kills your mind,

You use bites, then use it again describing what it does, bites in this case. I just think it looks cheesy, maybe try "Its infected like a black widows bite killing your mind" or something?

Thats just my opinion on it, this is probaly one of those I just dislike it cause it bugs me sort of things that other people might like.

ZeppelinAir · 11-11-2006, 04:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

Its infected just like a black widows bites,
A bite that kills your mind,

You use bites, then use it again describing what it does, bites in this case. I just think it looks cheesy, maybe try "Its infected like a black widows bite killing your mind" or something?

your right that does sound better, i'll make the change

Kyren Tsunami · 11-14-2006, 10:48 PM

I agree but can you use less of "we're all gone" kinda sound like a record's broken lol, perhap just saying the same meaning in different of volcabulary or rephrase it? ^^;

11-11-2006, 04:20 AM	#1 (permalink)
ZeppelinAir Long time no see Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: somewhere in Michigan Posts: 512	When We're All Gone When We’re All Gone I have to get rid of you from deep inside my head, Through out all the insults that you had ever said, I know you didn’t mean a damn thing that you would say, Just lying through your teethe night and day, And you cant believe that they all up and leave, But you’ll be sorry when we’re all gone, Deep inside your soul there’s a wound that just wont heal, Its infected just like a black widows bites, A bite that kills your mind, So You scream at every shadow that crosses your path, And it reminds you of the very reason why we’re all gone, You laughed the loudest of us all, Now that laughter is all gone, The jokes that where told, The words that where sold, So now your sorry that we’re gone And you still cant believe that we up and left, All alone you wonder if you will die alone, Deep inside your soul there’s a wound that just wont heal, Its infected just like a black widows bites, A bite that kills your mind, So You scream at every shadow that crosses your path, And it reminds you of the very reason why we’re all gone, __________________ not that old signature

11-14-2006, 10:48 PM	#4 (permalink)
Kyren Tsunami Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 64	I agree but can you use less of "we're all gone" kinda sound like a record's broken lol, perhap just saying the same meaning in different of volcabulary or rephrase it? ^^; __________________ all the songs I've Wrotes cames from experiences from the past, present and future.