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Old 10-08-2006, 01:22 AM   #1 (permalink)
snickers
 
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Default The Sun Glows In My Heart

I'd like some comments on this please.
This is about a girl that I've liked for such a long time.



Before you left we made out
Back when the fire was burning
I threw another log on to be all about
Fun- but we knew that log would never rot

We always knew it wouldn’t get old
Live to see the green mornings with mist on the leaves
Feel the wind on it's bark, while laughing, even in the cold
At old jokes that are only between friends

Tonight while I sat down hard, thinking
You left that tree to burn- With me
Your ship won’t amount to anything more than sinking
You will never remember the mornings

Bright early mornings when the sun rises above the window sill
Watching the dew roll casually off the leaves of the pines
Smiling- Waiting for the day to come and still
Keeping watch over us- Young and happy to be together

How could that work when you’re trying to pretend
That everyone is always happy and warm inside
Still trying to race your whole life to the end
Scraping your feet and knees on the cold pavement along the way

Don’t think that the sun notices every blade of grass on a lawn
It promises to put a smile on our faces everyday
But even so, I notice, that you are already gone
Burning quickly in the atmosphere, burning away

If I were the sun, I could have you every second you were awake
Encompassing your body and gently glowing into your soul
Making you happy and warm inside- So incredibly warm that you would shake, and
Never be cold as long as I lived

A fraction is all that I am without you
There will be no fucking life after this with better circumstances
We should be friends, right now, and do what friends do
If I were inside you we would glow like the heat of a thousand suns

But you’re gone- you got up and didn’t see
That the fire was still burning
Only the fire was inside of me
Never will I taste, touch, feel, or hold you

Hold those bright early mornings with a kiss
Feel you by my side as we laugh together
Touch the glow inside of your hot fire, crackling with a hiss
Taste the heat between us as you move slowly up and down

Up and down like the sun- Waiting for the moon to arrive
When it is only one night away from being whole again
But the night is long and will never pass while I’m still alive
I want you so bad right now the moon feels like it will stay forever
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Old 10-08-2006, 03:11 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I really liked the first 2 lines, and the lyrics are good themselves. But it's just the flow I don't like, it seemed so force. With a bit of tweakin it'd be pretty good IMO
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Old 10-08-2006, 07:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Thanks, I concur.
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Old 10-08-2006, 11:52 PM   #4 (permalink)
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It feels like you've taken one of my fantasies and put it on paper.

Last stanza is one of the sexiest, romantic things I've ever read.

It sounds ok. (very very extremely ok) but . . I dunno.
I say go for it.
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