maybe? (track, memories, songs, Hang)

DearJenny · 09-17-2006, 12:57 AM

It felt like a beautiful day,
(Hope you felt the same too)
Just knowing I would see you.

Each day creeps by so slower…..slower.
And my heart falls lower.

I loved your touch, it was so perfect and right,
I want you to wrap your arm around my shoulder tight,
And tell me “I love you” once more.

Each night creeps by so lonely…cold
And with you I’d like to grow old.

I fell so hard and fell so fast,
I really wished that it could last,
Now all that fills me are memories of the past.

I still love you immensely,
Think of you endlessly,
I hope that right now you’re happy,
Even if its not with me,
And we will be together soon.

....Am i at least on the right track this time?

DearJenny · 09-17-2006, 10:14 PM

This one is important to me, I would like to send it to someone. Please, feedback.

Alo · 09-18-2006, 03:41 AM

I'm sorry I think it's a bit tacky. It are words that are known to match, you see them in so many songs. I'm talking about stuff like:
-slower/lower (Shouldn't it be so much slower? And we have heard the thing about a 'low heart' it's getting old and cliché)
-right/tight (Though actually I think that part is sweet, if you change the others, this could stay)
-old/cold (the cold part seems cliché, and the growing old part may be a bit too heavy if you're sending this to someone, who does not love you anymore...)

''I fell so hard and fell so fast,
I really wished that it could last,
Now all that fills me are memories of the past.''
cliché, and you said that you were lonely and cold, I don't think that getting filled by memories of the past is the good way of saying this. It are probably nice memories, but do they make you feel good? Because eery time a memory creeps in, don't you get reminded of the ''break-up'' too?

''I still love you immensely,
Think of you endlessly,''
Cute, keep that in, but change this part:
''I hope that right now you’re happy,
Even if its not with me,
And we will be together soon.''
Because you hope he's happy, even if it's with someone else. Yet you expect you two to get back together soon. Maybe you could say something like:

''I still love you immensely,
Think of you endlessly,
Wish we could be together soon,
but I want you to be happy,
even if it's not with me.''

I don't have a large English vocabulary, so for great words you have to be with someone else. All I can do is say I don't like yours.

Alo · 09-18-2006, 03:42 AM

''....Am i at least on the right track this time?''

Yeah, it's sweet, just spiff it up here and there. You'll get there!

DearJenny · 09-18-2006, 06:28 AM

Thank you much.

And I just realized the last verse made no sense to anyone but me, since there's a motivation behind it. But there IS a reason it is worded like that. A lot of the lines were based off a conversation with him I had and he said he missed me a lot and maybe theres a chance for the future(hence, we'll be together soon).

And I'll have to go back and tweak it.

09-17-2006, 12:57 AM	#1 (permalink)
DearJenny Raptor Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Metro Detroit, MI Posts: 1,321	maybe? It felt like a beautiful day, (Hope you felt the same too) Just knowing I would see you. Each day creeps by so slower…..slower. And my heart falls lower. I loved your touch, it was so perfect and right, I want you to wrap your arm around my shoulder tight, And tell me “I love you” once more. Each night creeps by so lonely…cold And with you I’d like to grow old. I fell so hard and fell so fast, I really wished that it could last, Now all that fills me are memories of the past. I still love you immensely, Think of you endlessly, I hope that right now you’re happy, Even if its not with me, And we will be together soon. ....Am i at least on the right track this time? __________________ So here's to living life miserable. And here's to all the lonely stories that I've told. Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow. Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle.

09-17-2006, 10:14 PM	#2 (permalink)
DearJenny Raptor Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Metro Detroit, MI Posts: 1,321	This one is important to me, I would like to send it to someone. Please, feedback. __________________ So here's to living life miserable. And here's to all the lonely stories that I've told. Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow. Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle.

09-18-2006, 03:41 AM	#3 (permalink)
Alo Scarf Join Date: May 2006 Location: Brighton, UK Posts: 715	I'm sorry I think it's a bit tacky. It are words that are known to match, you see them in so many songs. I'm talking about stuff like: -slower/lower (Shouldn't it be so much slower? And we have heard the thing about a 'low heart' it's getting old and cliché) -right/tight (Though actually I think that part is sweet, if you change the others, this could stay) -old/cold (the cold part seems cliché, and the growing old part may be a bit too heavy if you're sending this to someone, who does not love you anymore...) ''I fell so hard and fell so fast, I really wished that it could last, Now all that fills me are memories of the past.'' cliché, and you said that you were lonely and cold, I don't think that getting filled by memories of the past is the good way of saying this. It are probably nice memories, but do they make you feel good? Because eery time a memory creeps in, don't you get reminded of the ''break-up'' too? ''I still love you immensely, Think of you endlessly,'' Cute, keep that in, but change this part: ''I hope that right now you’re happy, Even if its not with me, And we will be together soon.'' Because you hope he's happy, even if it's with someone else. Yet you expect you two to get back together soon. Maybe you could say something like: ''I still love you immensely, Think of you endlessly, Wish we could be together soon, but I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me.'' I don't have a large English vocabulary, so for great words you have to be with someone else. All I can do is say I don't like yours. __________________ I rocked my shoelaces untied

09-18-2006, 03:42 AM	#4 (permalink)
Alo Scarf Join Date: May 2006 Location: Brighton, UK Posts: 715	''....Am i at least on the right track this time?'' Yeah, it's sweet, just spiff it up here and there. You'll get there! __________________ I rocked my shoelaces untied

09-18-2006, 06:28 AM	#5 (permalink)
DearJenny Raptor Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Metro Detroit, MI Posts: 1,321	Thank you much. And I just realized the last verse made no sense to anyone but me, since there's a motivation behind it. But there IS a reason it is worded like that. A lot of the lines were based off a conversation with him I had and he said he missed me a lot and maybe theres a chance for the future(hence, we'll be together soon). And I'll have to go back and tweak it. __________________ So here's to living life miserable. And here's to all the lonely stories that I've told. Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow. Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle.