ok....one more try (quote, memory, songs, Hang, Organ)

DearJenny · 09-09-2006, 01:10 AM

Dizziness sets in
Is this really what I want?
I ask myself in darkness
With the cigarette burning inches of its life and years of mine

Fantastical ideas of the abstract love
An thought it is....and so it shall be
Commitment is word used only by the secure
And the unstable suffer with tragedy after tragedy.

Looking back hurts
Differing the truth from lie
Makes me cry
Inside, makes me die.

So you toyed with me, had your fun
Hope you're happy because i'm not
This is what I get for falling for you
And this song what you get for ****ing with a 17-year old

This is VERY much a freeverse because i do not have the creativity to create stanzas and rhythm and ****. I just wanted some poetry. Feel free to tear it apart, I dont find it very good.

sleepy jack · 09-09-2006, 01:14 AM

lol, do you cut yourself too?

Theres like, two okay lines the rest are ruined by your angst.

DearJenny · 09-09-2006, 01:22 AM

lol. you like the cigarette line, right? i personally loved it.

Raine · 09-09-2006, 01:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PipersLabyrinthX

Dizziness sets in
Is this really what I want?
I ask myself in darkness
With the cigarette burning inches of its life and years of mine

Fantastical ideas of the abstract love
A thought it is....and so it shall be
Commitment is a word used only by the secure
And the unstable suffer with tragedy after tragedy.

Looking back hurts
Differing the truth from lie
Makes me cry
Inside, makes me die.

So you toyed with me, had your fun
Hope you're happy because i'm not
This is what I get for falling for you
And this song what you get for ****ing with a 17-year old

Oh gosh

First stanza last line the word life should be changed. Only because a cigarette isn't a living thing.

Second stanza first line the word fantastical. Ditch that.
Second stanza second line. Change An to A
Second stanza, third line I added the word a
Second stanza last line. it just doesn't sound right and it's something of a cliche and a stereotype.

The third stanza should probably be of fby itself and would probably go better with either a different subject or an entirely new song or whatever this is.

The last stanza deviates is in no way organized so that it goes with the rest of this.

Try

So you toyed with me, had your fun
This is what I get for falling for you
And this is what you get for ****ing a 17-year old

I deifnitely think the word falling could be substituted for something else. And maybe if you an add anothe rline or 3 it will carry more meaning to it.
Otherwise. . . . . . .

sleepy jack · 09-09-2006, 01:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PipersLabyrinthX

lol. you like the cigarette line, right? i personally loved it.

Yeah, and "Fantastical ideas of the abstract love"
Change it to fantastic though.
Oh, Raine shut up.
Seriously, "OMGZ DAT IMAGERYYZ ISNT ACCURATE LOLZ BADDDWRITING."
Look at the blood brothers, "bullimic rainbows vomit what?"
Does that make sense? No, is it a good line? yes.
Besides, ciggarettes = burning. Burning = fire, and fire is often refered to as living.
Actually, look life up in the dictionary fire could be applied to plenty of those.

Raine · 09-09-2006, 01:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

Oh, Raine shut up.

why

sleepy jack · 09-09-2006, 01:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raine

why

"Seriously, "OMGZ DAT IMAGERYYZ ISNT ACCURATE LOLZ BADDDWRITING."
Look at the blood brothers, "bullimic rainbows vomit what?"
Does that make sense? No, is it a good line? yes.
Besides, ciggarettes = burning. Burning = fire, and fire is often refered to as living.
Actually, look life up in the dictionary fire could be applied to plenty of those."

Raine · 09-09-2006, 01:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

"Seriously, "OMGZ DAT IMAGERYYZ ISNT ACCURATE LOLZ BADDDWRITING."
Look at the blood brothers, "bullimic rainbows vomit what?"
Does that make sense? No, is it a good line? yes.
Besides, ciggarettes = burning. Burning = fire, and fire is often refered to as living.
Actually, look life up in the dictionary fire could be applied to plenty of those."

The 6 characteristics of living things:

1) reproduction
2) metabolization
3) movement
4) growth and development
5) respond to the environment
6) adapt to their environment.

I'm sorry but a burning cigarette isn't a living thing.
Why don't you find a scientific dictionary and look up life.

Oh and PS: I never said it was a bad line.

And I never said it was bad writing but look at this:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

lol, do you cut yourself too?

Theres like, two okay lines the rest are ruined by your angst.

Sounds like you don't think it's ood writing. Or harbor positive feelings to this piece.

sleepy jack · 09-09-2006, 01:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raine

The 6 characteristics of living things:

1) reproduction
2) metabolization
3) movement
4) growth and development
5) respond to the environment
6) adapt to their environment.

I'm sorry but a burning cigarette isn't a living thing.
Why don't you find a scientific dictionary and look up life.

Read my post.

"Besides, ciggarettes = burning. Burning = fire, and fire is often refered to as living."

I was speaking in the songwriting sense, i've seen fire refered to as living plenty of times in songs and it has worked.

"Actually, look life up in the dictionary fire could be applied to plenty of those."

Did I say it was? Nope, I said it could be and for the record, technically a fire could be a living thing. "to continue in existence, operation, memory, etc.; last: a book that lives in my memory." I could probaly dig more stuff up but I don't paticuarly care to.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raine

Oh and PS: I never said it was a bad line.

And I never said it was bad writing but look at this:

Sounds like you don't think it's ood writing. Or harbor positive feelings to this piece.

So I can't call you on something I disagree with? My opinions havn't changed on it. That was pretty pointless to point our Raine, what were you trying to prove?

Raine · 09-09-2006, 01:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crowquill

Read my post.

"Besides, ciggarettes = burning. Burning = fire, and fire is often refered to as living."

I was speaking in the songwriting sense, i've seen fire refered to as living plenty of times in songs and it has worked.

"Actually, look life up in the dictionary fire could be applied to plenty of those."

Did I say it was? Nope, I said it could be and for the record, technically a fire could be a living thing. "to continue in existence, operation, memory, etc.; last: a book that lives in my memory." I could probaly dig more stuff up but I don't paticuarly care to.

So I can't call you on something I disagree with? My opinions havn't changed on it. That was pretty pointless to point our Raine, what were you trying to prove?

So what was the point of your previous post telling me to look up the word living in a dictionary?

Technically a fire can not nor will it ever be a living thing.
But metaphorically yes it can be.

I don't particularly feel like thrashing my brain trying to remmeber Biology 1 stuff so we'll agree to disagree on this since neither of us arguing benefits Pipers who started this thread for opinions on her work. The fact that you and I have different opinions on it shouldn't be an issue.

End of useless of spam

09-09-2006, 01:10 AM	#1 (permalink)
DearJenny Raptor Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Metro Detroit, MI Posts: 1,321	ok....one more try Dizziness sets in Is this really what I want? I ask myself in darkness With the cigarette burning inches of its life and years of mine Fantastical ideas of the abstract love An thought it is....and so it shall be Commitment is word used only by the secure And the unstable suffer with tragedy after tragedy. Looking back hurts Differing the truth from lie Makes me cry Inside, makes me die. So you toyed with me, had your fun Hope you're happy because i'm not This is what I get for falling for you And this song what you get for **ing with a 17-year old This is VERY much a freeverse because i do not have the creativity to create stanzas and rhythm and **. I just wanted some poetry. Feel free to tear it apart, I dont find it very good. __________________ So here's to living life miserable. And here's to all the lonely stories that I've told. Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow. Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle.

09-09-2006, 01:22 AM	#3 (permalink)
DearJenny Raptor Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Metro Detroit, MI Posts: 1,321	lol. you like the cigarette line, right? i personally loved it. __________________ So here's to living life miserable. And here's to all the lonely stories that I've told. Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow. Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle.