My First For You (house, metal, trance, doors, Kiss)

Laces Out Dan! · 08-15-2006, 12:46 AM

Well guys this is the first peice of my writing ive ever posted on here.

I recall walking hand in hand with you
down the moonlit streets
We soon approach my house
our souls inseparable

That night, the candles made melodies
our shadows cast the walls
your eyes possess mine
in a moment of clarity
i tell you i love you,
I'll never forget that night.

As i walked you home
We stopped in the field
It was you and I
Laying on the damp cold grass
Our bodies numb in the shocking breeze
I had never felt warmer.

I walked you to your doorstep
Hand in hand bathed in silence
I caressed your shoulder
Lips on lips, a kiss farewell.

Crowe · 08-15-2006, 02:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by _LesPaul43_

Well guys this is the first peice of my writing ive ever posted on here.

I recall walking hand in hand with you
down the moonlitten streets
We soon approach my house
our souls inseparable

That night, the candles made melodies
our shadows cast the walls
your eyes possess mine
in a moment of clarity
i tell you i love you,
I'll never forget that night.

As i walked you home
We stopped in the field
It was you and I
Laying on the damp cold grass
Our bodies numb in the shocking breeze
I had never felt warmer.

I walked you to your doorstep
Hand in hand bathed in silence
I caressed your shoulder
Lips on lips, a kiss farewell.

Going straight down the bolds...

1. Not a word, moonlit is though.

2. Stick an "our" in there, and it will make sense. Otherwise it sounds like your shadows are creating the walls out of metal... which does not make sense.

3. Ew, I see this line turning from a zero to a hero with changing the word "possess". Something more creative, describe how her eyes possess yours... your meter is short so it has to be effective. Your eyes capture mine, your eyes seize mine, entrance, enthrall, allure, attract, captivate, grab, devour... some thing graphic would make that nice.... after all, you are talking about eyes.

4. Man, how many times have I given this note on these forums especially. LAYING IN FIELDS IS ONE OF THE MOST CLICHE IMAGES IN THE HISTORY OF TIME. It's sweet and romantic and real life, but hearing it in a song is just like... *eyeroll* Laying in the damp grass is also pretty cliche... for the sake of your song turn this section into something that we haven't heard before - the lines after it are wonderful, and you are kicking the legs out from under them with the fields and the grass.

I like this. I will like it a lot more after my "4" note takes effect honestly. I love simple love songs and this is the definition of a simple love song. I would listen to this while I had sex, for sure.

Laces Out Dan! · 08-15-2006, 02:44 AM

Thanks for the tips, this is really my first successful piece of writing of this type

bruise_violet · 08-16-2006, 02:51 PM

How sweet

08-15-2006, 12:46 AM	#1 (permalink)
Laces Out Dan! I love Puck Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: British Columbia Posts: 4,614	My First For You Well guys this is the first peice of my writing ive ever posted on here. I recall walking hand in hand with you down the moonlit streets We soon approach my house our souls inseparable That night, the candles made melodies our shadows cast the walls your eyes possess mine in a moment of clarity i tell you i love you, I'll never forget that night. As i walked you home We stopped in the field It was you and I Laying on the damp cold grass Our bodies numb in the shocking breeze I had never felt warmer. I walked you to your doorstep Hand in hand bathed in silence I caressed your shoulder Lips on lips, a kiss farewell. __________________ We are entirely smooth, We admit to the truth, We are the best at what we do. Last edited by Laces Out Dan!; 12-02-2007 at 11:59 PM.

08-15-2006, 02:44 AM	#3 (permalink)
Laces Out Dan! I love Puck Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: British Columbia Posts: 4,614	Thanks for the tips, this is really my first successful piece of writing of this type __________________ We are entirely smooth, We admit to the truth, We are the best at what we do.

08-16-2006, 02:51 PM	#4 (permalink)
bruise_violet we became a carcass! Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 383	How sweet __________________ in love with the stumps, in love with the bleeding! in love with the pain that you now feel...