A little help? (career, quote, Bell, Ching)

swim · 08-09-2006, 06:37 PM

I'm not finished but this is my first time in a very long time sitting down and trying to really write something so I would like to know if I'm going in the right direction

The Black Shirts are in black ties
while I cut ties with the disparged
and heed to the heaving of lack of compassion
scour my heart for lack of reaction

Tonight feels unusual as I sneak my glances
Here in the corner while I fill their glasses
The headstrong are not strong
and the hawty are humble
The belligerent passify
and the outspoken mumble

Phonetically written philippic speeches
carved unto floor boards so no one will read 'em

and then I wrote a bunch of incoherrant nonlinear jibberish that I have to get together.

Raine · 08-09-2006, 07:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by swimintheundertow

I'm not finished but this is my first time in a very long time sitting down and trying to really write something so I would like to know if I'm going in the right direction

The Black Shirts are in black ties
while I cut ties with the disparged
and heed to the heaving of lack of compassion
scour my heart for lack of reaction

Tonight feels unusual as I sneak my glances
Here in the corner while I fill their glances
The headstrong are not strong
and the hawty are humble
The belligerent passify
and the outspoken mumble

Phonetically written philippic speeches
carved unto floor boards so no one will read 'em

and then I wrote a bunch of incoherrant nonlinear jibberish that I have to get together.

I like the wording of the last stanza or rather the the broad vocabulary range.
The first part is a little too repetitive or rather it lacks variety.
Not necessarily voab wise.
I think it's somehow off by saying that ties are in black shirts.

I think it would be better as

Black ties on back shirts
but then it doesn't seem to go with the rest of the stanza.
i guess it would work if you used the black tie black shirt thing as part of a chorus or something.
I think for the most part it's a bit of mix and matching with simple language and complex language.

It's kinda wierd. I like it but then I don't like it.
I think you used one of my favorite En glish words ever: hawty

And lastly

the belligerent pacify
and the outspoke mumble

I think you could find a better word than pacify.

Good luck with this.

swim · 08-09-2006, 07:18 PM

The Black Shirts is capatilized because it's a fascist group so your suggestion wouldn't work but thanks. I personally like repetition, when I read it's probably the most appealing thing to me, that's why I wrote the beginning like that.

Raine · 08-09-2006, 07:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by swimintheundertow

The Black Shirts is capatilized because it's a fascist group so your suggestion wouldn't work but thanks. I personally like repetition, when I read it's probably the most appealing thing to me, that's why I wrote the beginning like that.

I think I like it a tad bit more then. It kinda reminds me of some of the Dead kennedy's at the beginning of their career.
Although for the most part this makes me think of sweat shops and mobsters in America

And the only repitition was witht he phrases ties. But since it can't seem to be avoided . . . good luck with the rest of this.

sleepy jack · 08-10-2006, 12:09 AM

I don't like the use of the word glances twice, maybe use stare? Its pretty sweet.

swim · 08-10-2006, 05:17 PM

Twas a typo. I fixed it. And I switch "belligerent pacify" to "belligerent are passive" because that fits pattern I set up. I'll be finished by tomorrow and will post it.

08-09-2006, 06:37 PM	#1 (permalink)
swim dontcareaboutyou Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: North Carolina Posts: 5,188	A little help? I'm not finished but this is my first time in a very long time sitting down and trying to really write something so I would like to know if I'm going in the right direction The Black Shirts are in black ties while I cut ties with the disparged and heed to the heaving of lack of compassion scour my heart for lack of reaction Tonight feels unusual as I sneak my glances Here in the corner while I fill their glasses The headstrong are not strong and the hawty are humble The belligerent passify and the outspoken mumble Phonetically written philippic speeches carved unto floor boards so no one will read 'em and then I wrote a bunch of incoherrant nonlinear jibberish that I have to get together. __________________ http://nakednaps.bandcamp.com/

08-09-2006, 07:18 PM	#3 (permalink)
swim dontcareaboutyou Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: North Carolina Posts: 5,188	The Black Shirts is capatilized because it's a fascist group so your suggestion wouldn't work but thanks. I personally like repetition, when I read it's probably the most appealing thing to me, that's why I wrote the beginning like that. __________________ http://nakednaps.bandcamp.com/

08-10-2006, 05:17 PM	#6 (permalink)
swim dontcareaboutyou Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: North Carolina Posts: 5,188	Twas a typo. I fixed it. And I switch "belligerent pacify" to "belligerent are passive" because that fits pattern I set up. I'll be finished by tomorrow and will post it. __________________ http://nakednaps.bandcamp.com/