Something I wrote (Polish, screamo, quote, song)

FailurexByxDesignerxJeans · 08-09-2006, 05:34 PM

Im not completely finished with it. And Its not the greatest.

~Masks~

*Verse 1*
We are forced to Fix, Our Broken Homes
Thats been to served to us on a Black platter
next to the knife

Smile Amoungst our face, Its only a mask
Fear in our eyes, starting phase one
for the world to embrace
close the front door...

*Chorus*
Imposter you, Imposter me
we're all dying very slowley
behind our sheilds, holding fate
Fake you, Fake Me
Oh I cant wait

*Verse 2*
Shun me from you, your only second best
think i need you, at the top of my list
guess again my love, cuz your hardly
missed

~chorus again~

Secret Identies, revealing
what is real, and whats not
shedding some hate, but it
will never be the same

_Spinning_ · 08-09-2006, 05:36 PM

It's a tad Mediocre...I think with a little polishing and tweaking it could be decent.

What kind on music did you have in mind?

FailurexByxDesignerxJeans · 08-09-2006, 05:37 PM

i dont something along the lines of screamo or something. What type do u think it is now?/

_Spinning_ · 08-09-2006, 06:02 PM

Well I can't picture it in my head as Screamo because I'm not a big fan.

But I think it would do well as a Poem...or maybe Emo? *hides*

FailurexByxDesignerxJeans · 08-09-2006, 06:03 PM

lol, thanx anyways. yea It started out as a poem. And I used bits and pieces

Raine · 08-09-2006, 06:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FailurexByxDesignerxJeans

Masks

*Verse 1*
We're forced to fix our Broken Homes
That've been served to us on a Black platter
next to the knife

Smile Amoungst our face, Its only a mask
Fear in our eyes, starting phase one
for the world to embrace
close the front door...

*Chorus*
Imposter you, Imposter me
we're all dying very slowly
behind our shields, holding fate
Fake you, Fake Me
Oh I cant wait

*Verse 2*
Shun me from you, you're only second best
think i need you,
guess again love, cuz your hardly
missed

~chorus again~

Secret Identies, reveal
what is real, and whats not
shedding some hate, but it
will never be the same

I seem some hints of Shakespearian here or there.

The second line of verse two was a little backwards in wording.
I'm not entirely sure what was meant by your second stanza, but whatever it is, the word amongst doesn't fit the bill. And I have some idea of what you mean when you say phase one. but since you don't elaborate on it at all but go on about the events of certain things, the rest of the song seems very vague and a tad ambiguous.
I have no idea what to say about your chorus.
Your second verse seemed a bit too wordy.
Your last chorus is an oxymoron. And surprisingly enough it's my favorite part of this entire piece.

Although this concept has been used before but maybe you could make it work. Although I don't highly recommend doing so

Good luck with the rest of your work

~~reallygreatidea~~ · 08-09-2006, 06:26 PM

I don't think it is that bad. I agree that with some work it could be decent too.

sleepy jack · 08-09-2006, 06:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by either/or

try using bigger words. and it's been done a thousand times before.

^My thoughts on it.

08-09-2006, 05:34 PM	#1 (permalink)
FailurexByxDesignerxJeans Music Addict Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: I Panic! At the Disco [[yesh]] Posts: 58	Something I wrote Im not completely finished with it. And Its not the greatest. ~Masks~ Verse 1 We are forced to Fix, Our Broken Homes Thats been to served to us on a Black platter next to the knife Smile Amoungst our face, Its only a mask Fear in our eyes, starting phase one for the world to embrace close the front door... Chorus Imposter you, Imposter me we're all dying very slowley behind our sheilds, holding fate Fake you, Fake Me Oh I cant wait Verse 2 Shun me from you, your only second best think i need you, at the top of my list guess again my love, cuz your hardly missed ~chorus again~ Secret Identies, revealing what is real, and whats not shedding some hate, but it will never be the same __________________ I'm a mess of insecurities Attention starved with a narcissistic twist Don't you think that I'm amazing? Please tell me I'm worth dating I have every reason not to leave home today

08-09-2006, 05:37 PM	#3 (permalink)
FailurexByxDesignerxJeans Music Addict Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: I Panic! At the Disco [[yesh]] Posts: 58	i dont something along the lines of screamo or something. What type do u think it is now?/ __________________ I'm a mess of insecurities Attention starved with a narcissistic twist Don't you think that I'm amazing? Please tell me I'm worth dating I have every reason not to leave home today

08-09-2006, 06:03 PM	#5 (permalink)
FailurexByxDesignerxJeans Music Addict Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: I Panic! At the Disco [[yesh]] Posts: 58	lol, thanx anyways. yea It started out as a poem. And I used bits and pieces __________________ I'm a mess of insecurities Attention starved with a narcissistic twist Don't you think that I'm amazing? Please tell me I'm worth dating I have every reason not to leave home today

08-09-2006, 05:36 PM	#2 (permalink)
_Spinning_ Inexplicably Back Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: New Zealand Posts: 830	It's a tad Mediocre...I think with a little polishing and tweaking it could be decent. What kind on music did you have in mind?

08-09-2006, 06:02 PM	#4 (permalink)
_Spinning_ Inexplicably Back Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: New Zealand Posts: 830	Well I can't picture it in my head as Screamo because I'm not a big fan. But I think it would do well as a Poem...or maybe Emo? hides

08-09-2006, 06:26 PM	#7 (permalink)
~~reallygreatidea~~ Account Disabled Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 18	I don't think it is that bad. I agree that with some work it could be decent too.