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07-30-2006, 04:10 AM
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#1 (permalink) |
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w0rd
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Suva, Fiji
Posts: 1,034
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Follow!
Follow! Into the darkness of the light
If you find your way, you'll be saved for sure But if you contradict yourself You'll crash and burn Into your deaths... (Pass through the afterlife) I've been finding my way... Through the dark... Having troubles with fear... Having Second thoughts... But if you take your chances The path will shine And you'll.... Follow! Into the darkness of the light if you find your, you'll be saved for sure But if you contradict yourself You'll crash and burn Into your deaths.... (pass through the afterlife) And thats all I got |
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07-30-2006, 04:18 AM
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#2 (permalink) | |
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isfckingdead
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 18,967
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I think you've got something with a bit of tweaking it could be good.
The subject, in general is just way too vague. Try going more indepth in on it ya know? You could be a little more descriptive too when you list things. Also little thing. And if you find your, you'll be saved for sure That and doesn't need to be there. =) Its late, i'll give you a more proper critique tomorrow or monday when I can think better.
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07-30-2006, 04:41 AM
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#4 (permalink) | |
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isfckingdead
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 18,967
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Yeah that kind of thing, i'll be more explaning when its not 2am.
http://musicbanter.com/showthread.php?t=17647 Read that if you havn't already (it kind of sucks but bleh), and read stuff by like Crowe, A_Perfect_Sonnet, HoboJesus, Creepinson, and DontRunMeOver. Reading stuff by them will help you like, learn how to write certain things, & all that jazz.
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07-30-2006, 06:21 AM
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#5 (permalink) |
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w0rd
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Suva, Fiji
Posts: 1,034
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I thought I might attempt adding a bridge, tell me what you think
[Screaming]Break Down!!! I coulcn't feel you [Screaming]I reached out!!! But could not grasp you [Screaming]I'm paralyzed!!! I reminisced and saw what I had... Seeing that... Made me realise... That the crippling darkness... Was cowering to my courage... [screaming]So rise my friends, Fulfill your dreams! Fight your worst fears Overcome the darkness Blinded by the light Stuck from what you see A spectacular site I couldn't get a line to finish it off, suggestions? And lol it wasn't that much effort it was just an attempt |
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