Crazy Luv

{Part one}
My heart shatters into pieces
At the sight laid out before me
My husband and my best friend
Together, naked, in each others arms
The bloodstained glass pieces
Stab into my near-by lungs
Causing me not to breathe
Mind goes into a state of arrest
My legs move of their own accord
Suddenly I find myself
On some foreign street
Knees grow weak
From the abnormality
Of all my bodily functions
Start drifting in and out of reality
Must of consumed some of the poison
That contaminated
The air in that bedroom
Too excessively lost to apprehend
My head cracking against the pavement
~~To be continued~~

sleepy jack

You gonna have a line about being in a closet too? =P. I don't like it much, the whole my heart shattered is so cliche, and it just screams R. Kelley rip off. You don't touch on the subject much, all we know is your heart broken to find your husband sleeping with your best friend. Then you go off on something, that sounds like a suicide rant.

__________________

Crazy Luv

How is it suicidal? No where did it describe killing or harming herself. But is it really so much cliche, cause i could of just said she saw her husband cheating with her best friend, went frantic, ran maniacally, ended up somewhere she didnt know, and pasted out.

Chyea, i agree with the I didnt "touch on the subject much" thin, I'll get more into it on Part two, but then again I'll still fix Part one.


edit: are you thinking the "glass" pieces are really..glass? Cause they really the broken pieces of her heart...

and the "poison" really isnt..gas or whatever poison

sleepy jack

The whole last part On some foreign street - the end, just sounds like a suicidal rant. I'm not saying it is, but it still sounds like it. Jumping off a roof or somethin'.

__________________

Crazy Luv

riiiight...don't really see how it does still...but..chyea. lol, should i say place instead of street or somethin

Raine

if it's in bold, I think it shuld be scrapped or worked on.
But I loved the beginning.
I just think you should've stuck with simple language rather than start with simple language and then try to use complex language. Through off the internal rhyme that you had going.

__________________
A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

right-track

It's not the end...it's to be continued.

Crazy Luv

I had a internal rhyme going? hmph..didnt even notice
Hey..i wasnt trying to use complex language


But yes, thank you, I will work on it

Should I say:
Puncture my lungs
Causing me not to breathe
Mind goes into a state of shock
My legs move of their own accord
Suddenly I find myself
In unfamiliar territory
Knees grow weak
From the abnormality
Of all my bodily functions
Start drifting in and out of reality
Must of inhaled some of the pollution
That tainted
The air in that bedroom
Too lost to apprehend
My head cracking against the pavement