Laces Out Dan!

i dont understand why people cant just write stuff thats not super cliche..everyone comes here and its like..."Death, Blood, Reeper, sorrow, missery, like wtf..

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ZeppelinAir

well i dont like the happy sounding songs, and the Grim Reaper is on of my favorite topics

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not that old signature

Laces Out Dan!

Fuckin eh

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ZeppelinAir

^whats with that

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not that old signature

Raine

The Grim Reeper or Keeper of the Dead (as you call him) is not a being of insanity. he's inevitable. He has a job that he must do. Nothing insane about that. You have this urge to use this word. Stop. And this new title is no better than some of your earlier ones.
I'm trying to play around with the words and I'm coming up with next to nada.

Your first stanza isn't too great either. You've got two good lines used to talk abuot the same thing and together they kinda clash and it makes sense but. . . you're being a little repetitive.

vs

In a place of mist and misery,
are the ruined graves of lives past

I suggest scrapping the last line because it's sorta redundant of the first one. And in the second line there is a grammatical error.
Is is singular. The subject is plural. These are the rules of verb/subject agreement. The rules change slightly when the object is a person or a group of people though for future references.

And now that I think about it. You shuold just mix your first two stanzas together because your second stanza is related to the first one but they're two seperate ideas in a way.

vs

In a place of mist and misery
Is a man of pain;
his mind plagued with insanity.
Thoughts of death and sorrow
Fill his every thought
In the place where dead rest in peace

or something like that. I more or less just mixed your first two stanzas together. Although the ending was mine. Play around with it. See what you come up with.
And the seoncd line is not the best one. That should be changed I think. Unless you can come up with something where it sounds appropiate.
It sounds right enough I guess but anyone that really pays attention to the lyrics in a song might find it doesn't quite fit. He's not really a man of pain. But he does bring pain to the families of the poeple whose lives he has taken. That sorta thing.

Once again, good luck with this.

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A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

sleepy jack

I just wanted to tell you, this has definetly improved alot, good job. I'll critique it proper later. Keep at it man.

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creepinson

i agree with moses... but rhymezone.com kicks rhymer.com's ass any day

Ace

Enough. Keep going over it untill you are completely satisfied. If you have even the smallest doubt in a line, change it. You are your best critic.
Keep working with it untill you know it's right, and write it how you want it to be written.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by RezZ I think I know much better than you ever will how Mettalica is. I used to play for 2 years in a Mettalica cover band.

swim

Um. You've definitely come a long way from riping off Stairway to Heaven. The only advice I can give is keep writing and make an effort to write about something you've never read.

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