Hatred Eyes (song lyrics, metal, Religious, effect, review)

Winter · 07-08-2006, 05:33 PM

Hello, please would you take the time to review my lyrics I am writing for a song. Please feel free to criticise harshly as long as you can tell me how to improve, Thankyou for reading

Burning babies is your game.
Killing the innocent is the way
All in the name of Allah
All for the reason of Jesus.
But they will never believe us.

Let there children die on there death bed.
No medical care, Pray for them instead.
Let them die and chok hate on there final breath.
In there poor wounded hearts they die with no love left.

Discriminate, just 'cause your mind controlled.
Steal from the poor, cause there heart's are cold.
We are not all brainwashed, we are not all the same.
They will be in the hands of god, while we burn In flames.

In fear they die and weakness they live.
Confessing mistakes, so the lord will forgive

Look what there religion has done.
There skillful mind control device.
Following the bible but they never ask why
the sun will never rise for their eyes.
In saddness they hope, In fear they try.
They don't relise god is a weapon of lies.

Burning babies is your game.
Killing the innocent is the way.
All in the name of Allah
All for the reason of Jesus.
In words we tell, but they will never believe us.

Copyright.BenSmith (C)

Please make suggestions

And thanks once again!

Mama Booze · 07-08-2006, 11:19 PM

Quik question for you, this doesn't happen to be based off of a book called "Mine" by Robert McCammon...does it?

Winter · 07-09-2006, 04:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by some_exotic_booze

Quik question for you, this doesn't happen to be based off of a book called "Mine" by Robert McCammon...does it?

I'm a very strong athiest, I always thought about sitting down and thinking of some lyrics.

http://www.atheistresource.co.uk/victims.html - I was reading this and it pissed me off so much I let my anger off by writing this.

So no, It wasn't based on your book.

Can you tell me your opinion on it please?

Winter · 07-11-2006, 04:17 PM

Hi, Any opinions on this?

It would be much appreciated

I did make quite an effort, I'd really like people's feedback if its good or bad, Thanks!-Ben-

potato · 07-11-2006, 07:03 PM

Well I don't know, the lyrics are ok I guess, nothing that totally stands out to me. I'm thinking though that maybe you don't know a whole bunch about what you're trying to write about.

Kyren Tsunami · 07-11-2006, 08:16 PM

damn.... ur Lyrics is good and dark! XD keep it up!!! BTW do u like doing dark and sorrowful Lyrics???

Winter · 07-16-2006, 10:15 AM

Thanks for the feedback guys.

potato - The song was written after some thinking about religion, being pissed off and reading about how a girl was tortured because she wasn't religious, someone was bullied at there school for not being Muslim, and I was reading other articles about how people were tortured for there absence of beliefs in religion.

Kyren - Thankyou for your nice comments, this was actually my first song lyrics I have written - but I'm sure I will do more in the future, I will probably do all sorts from dark, sorrowful, happy, epic ect. Cheers.

Thanks again

judas_priest · 07-16-2006, 11:49 AM

Hey!

I've already given you my opinion, but anyway...

I think your lyrics are very good- you've effectively conveyed your opinions about religion in a style which would sound really good in a metal song.

I like the way it rhymes and flows well, and it sounds like you've put a lot of thought into it.

\m/

explosions-in-my-pants · 07-16-2006, 12:36 PM

your lyrics come across as dark and not really great..

just seems like something that could be writen completely diffferent and so much better by you. I wouldn't even keep the first 4 lines.. The first line alone just makes me wonder what the hell your talking about, and as i read on i know but still it stands out but not for why it should. Just take a minute read it over and think what would pull people in, what sounds good when you'd sing it or whatever.. and see how you can fix it. I personally don't really like the song, so thats why i cna't really give you direct lines or words you should change. Sorry.

now go bash my lastest songs to hell haha..

Winter · 07-16-2006, 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by explosions-in-my-pants

your lyrics come across as dark and not really great..

just seems like something that could be writen completely diffferent and so much better by you. I wouldn't even keep the first 4 lines.. The first line alone just makes me wonder what the hell your talking about, and as i read on i know but still it stands out but not for why it should. Just take a minute read it over and think what would pull people in, what sounds good when you'd sing it or whatever.. and see how you can fix it. I personally don't really like the song, so thats why i cna't really give you direct lines or words you should change. Sorry.

now go bash my lastest songs to hell haha..

Thanks very much for the feedback, "Burning babies" - That was intended to be there to strike a thought instantly and put a picture into your head, it doesn't literally mean anything-But it basically means people are skrewed up at birth when religion is forced upon them.
Cheers for the tips and I will indeed go through them, this wasn't intended to be my final write-up it's just a rough idea really.
And cheers for the tips and your honesty.

07-08-2006, 05:33 PM	#1 (permalink)
Winter Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: The Darkest Coldest Place Posts: 94	Hatred Eyes Hello, please would you take the time to review my lyrics I am writing for a song. Please feel free to criticise harshly as long as you can tell me how to improve, Thankyou for reading Burning babies is your game. Killing the innocent is the way All in the name of Allah All for the reason of Jesus. But they will never believe us. Let there children die on there death bed. No medical care, Pray for them instead. Let them die and chok hate on there final breath. In there poor wounded hearts they die with no love left. Discriminate, just 'cause your mind controlled. Steal from the poor, cause there heart's are cold. We are not all brainwashed, we are not all the same. They will be in the hands of god, while we burn In flames. In fear they die and weakness they live. Confessing mistakes, so the lord will forgive Look what there religion has done. There skillful mind control device. Following the bible but they never ask why the sun will never rise for their eyes. In saddness they hope, In fear they try. They don't relise god is a weapon of lies. Burning babies is your game. Killing the innocent is the way. All in the name of Allah All for the reason of Jesus. In words we tell, but they will never believe us. Copyright.BenSmith (C) Please make suggestions And thanks once again!

07-11-2006, 08:16 PM	#6 (permalink)
Kyren Tsunami Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 64	damn.... ur Lyrics is good and dark! XD keep it up!!! BTW do u like doing dark and sorrowful Lyrics??? __________________ all the songs I've Wrotes cames from experiences from the past, present and future.

07-08-2006, 11:19 PM	#2 (permalink)
Mama Booze Here's lookin at you, kid Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: The White Hotel Posts: 366	Quik question for you, this doesn't happen to be based off of a book called "Mine" by Robert McCammon...does it?

07-11-2006, 04:17 PM	#4 (permalink)
Winter Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: The Darkest Coldest Place Posts: 94	Hi, Any opinions on this? It would be much appreciated I did make quite an effort, I'd really like people's feedback if its good or bad, Thanks!-Ben-

07-11-2006, 07:03 PM	#5 (permalink)
potato Groupie Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Canada Posts: 15	Well I don't know, the lyrics are ok I guess, nothing that totally stands out to me. I'm thinking though that maybe you don't know a whole bunch about what you're trying to write about.

07-16-2006, 10:15 AM	#7 (permalink)
Winter Music Addict Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: The Darkest Coldest Place Posts: 94	Thanks for the feedback guys. potato - The song was written after some thinking about religion, being pissed off and reading about how a girl was tortured because she wasn't religious, someone was bullied at there school for not being Muslim, and I was reading other articles about how people were tortured for there absence of beliefs in religion. Kyren - Thankyou for your nice comments, this was actually my first song lyrics I have written - but I'm sure I will do more in the future, I will probably do all sorts from dark, sorrowful, happy, epic ect. Cheers. Thanks again

07-16-2006, 11:49 AM	#8 (permalink)
judas_priest Metal Maiden Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 644	Hey! I've already given you my opinion, but anyway... I think your lyrics are very good- you've effectively conveyed your opinions about religion in a style which would sound really good in a metal song. I like the way it rhymes and flows well, and it sounds like you've put a lot of thought into it. \m/

07-16-2006, 12:36 PM	#9 (permalink)
explosions-in-my-pants angel of tragic days Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 924	your lyrics come across as dark and not really great.. just seems like something that could be writen completely diffferent and so much better by you. I wouldn't even keep the first 4 lines.. The first line alone just makes me wonder what the hell your talking about, and as i read on i know but still it stands out but not for why it should. Just take a minute read it over and think what would pull people in, what sounds good when you'd sing it or whatever.. and see how you can fix it. I personally don't really like the song, so thats why i cna't really give you direct lines or words you should change. Sorry. now go bash my lastest songs to hell haha..