ZeppelinAir

here it is,

Long Cold Rain

Clouds roll in the distance,
The north blows light,
This is the last instance,
Before the storm makes day to night,

I here the thunder in the distance,
See the light through the clouds,
Come and make your stand,
As the long cold rains pours from the clouds, 2x

In a house of broken dreams,
In a life of broken love,
At any time it seams,
Lightning will strike the dove from above,

I here the thunder in the distance,
See the light through the clouds,
Come and make your stand,
As the long cold rains pours from the clouds, 2x

Wait and watch the pouring rain,
Wait and see what your lies have done,
Only standing wondering why you feel pain,
Always wanting more,
Has left you with none,

I here the thunder in the distance,
See the light through the clouds,
Come and make your stand,
As the long cold rains pours from the clouds, 2x

You are left standing in the long cold rain, 3x

I here the thunder in the distance,
See the light through the clouds,
Come and make your stand,
As the long cold rains pours from the clouds, 3x

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Crowe

I can't but read this to the tune of Hotel California. I don't know why. This comment is completely useless.

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ZeppelinAir

i think of it in more of a tone like I remember You from, Skid Row

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ZeppelinAir

no comments to help improve, or is it good enough already, and know its not, so come on and help me here

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Guitar_man2140

its good... very good. especially if u sing it screamo style. hahahahahaha

ZeppelinAir

no advice on what it needs?

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DontRunMeOver

I'm sorry, but I can't help but think of 'Shooting Stars' on this line... Any other Brits with me on this?

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ZeppelinAir

but how is the song over all, who sings Shooting Stars, dont know if i ever heard it

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DontRunMeOver

Shooting Stars was a comedy gameshow hosted by Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer which ran in the UK during the 90's and featured different celebrities as contestants each week. They'd answer ridiculous questions with even sillier answers and compete in stupid tasks involving jelly, giant badgers and other such things. It was great. One part involved the 'Dove from Above' coming down and offering them question topics.

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Your lyrics:

I don't particularly like 'Long Cold Rain' because much of it flits between
1. not making sense and
2. using horrible cliches.

And often manages to do both simultaneously


See the light through the clouds,
Come and make your stand,
As the long cold rains pours from the clouds

Apart from the placing of the word 'long', the section above reads like a who's who of cliched phrases. If you re-hash descriptions you've heard elsewhere, the reader/listener gets the impression that you're not actually describing something real, but just piecing the lyrics together from component parts of other songs. When we think you're doing that, we switch our brains off and stop paying attention, because the lyric automatically becomes old.

Along with the cliches, you put in plenty of phrases that I don't understand.

In a house of broken dreams,
In a life of broken love,
At any time it seams,
Lightning will strike the dove from above,


"A life of broken love" would be a nifty development on the previous line, unfortunately, the previous line is "in a house of broken dreams" which would even make Jon Bon Jovi cringe. What does that actually mean? Where is this house? I've heard about it in a lot of songs...

And then comes a phrase which is boring and non-sensical at the same time "at any time it seems, lightning will strike the dove from above". What is the dove from above? Why would lightning strike it? Why does it only seem that lightning will strike this dove? What are you getting at here?


Only standing wondering why you feel pain,
Always wanting more,
Has left you with none

Is this what the song's about? Do many people stand and wonder why they feel pain? What did you want more of? More pain?


Wait and watch the pouring rain,
Wait and see what your lies have done,

Which lies? You haven't mentioned any lies until now, so which lies are you talking about? You haven't mentioned anything about lying anywhere else in the song, so what relavence are we supposed to see in it?

In my opinion, you need to get a much clearer idea of what you're writing about before starting on lyrics. I'd guess you maybe started with the idea of 'rain/storms as a metaphor for pain and sorrow' which, for starters, is far from original. You've managed to stretch out this theme to quite a long lyric and in the process have just extended the boredom. If you want people to be more interested, then come up with a more interesting (in particular, more detailed) plot or outline for the lyric. Really go into detail, such that you can make each progressive line take the story or image/feeling one step further.

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Crowe

Gj DRMO.

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