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#1 (permalink) | |
They call me Tundra Boy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: In your linen cupboard.
Posts: 1,157
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![]() Quote:
You probably need to put more detail in the introduction and create more of an ending. The middle part is fine. The introduction doesn't create a clear enough idea of what is happening and the phrase "Mom doing something to my older sister’s hair", might help to create the atmosphere of calm before the storm, but using the word something is a bad choice. Be more specific about what she's doing, as being vague at this point constitutes bad storytelling. The ending doesn't tie very much up. So your mum's died, then what happened? The storm magically disappeared? It'd be better if you could describe the scene a bit more by saying what the surroundings looked like during this last image of you holding her while she dies. Imaging you're the movie director who's directing the camera crew and actors as to how this death scene should look, maybe? Then how would you describe it, so that people could picture that image? |
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#2 (permalink) |
lickin honey from a thorn
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 61
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This is only part one of it. Im changing the end of this one though. I will take your advice though, thank you very much.
__________________
My Real eyez see through your liez Be very carful not to make a woman cry because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior. But from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected and next to the heart to be loved. |
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