DontRunMeOver

This time of night is usually alive
But my spirits fell as I stepped inside
The dancefloor wore a vacant sign
I'd see more action if I were blind

You seemed so keen out there in the queue
I misconstrued your trainer shoes as fit to dance in
At a loss I go and prop myself against the bar
Relieve the boredom, checking girls out as they're passing

Chagrin creeps in, now I cannot win
Make no mistake, I feel the need for a shakedown
At my limit, if a party started up this minute,
It would be good timing, cos' I'm borderlining breakdown

Breakdown
Breakdown
Breakdown

The clientele look cataleptic
Immobile, unmoving, inert
They don't want to mess up their freshly-pressed hair
They don't want to sweat on their shirts

The cliques and crowds stand nervously around
How did they come here with such timid dispositions?
They long to prance and dance and get on down
But suddenly are overcome by inhibitions

Chagrin creeps in, now I cannot win
Make no mistake, I feel the need for a shakedown
At my limit, if a party started up this minute,
It would be good timing, cos' I'm borderlining breakdown

Breakdown
Breakdown
Breakdown

So I go sit at the bar
Waiting for the night to flourish
And occupy my time
Getting alcoholically nourished
Til there's vodka in my stomach
To the sum of fifty quid
And my body's seen more spirits
Than the Ghostbusters ever did

And its about time to breakdown
I thinks its time to breakdown

Breakdown
Breakdown
Breakdown

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This is a lyric for a slightly crazy party song and the main point of the lyric is to get as much internal rhyming and rhythmic overcrowding into the fast song as possible, while still getting the point across.

If you're having trouble imagining how it goes, just read it aloud and as fast a you can and you should be somewhere close.

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Rebirth

I don't like this line: "Unless the DJ shoved a pick-axe through its head."

Isn't a DJ a person? And the simile isn't an effective one because it's too descriptive. And what the hell is "borderlining," besides a weird made-up word?

Overall it's great though, and probably took longer than a few hours to come up with.

And did you purposely use the first, second and third person? It's a bit strange.

DontRunMeOver

Borderlining is a word I made up and thought it sounded pretty good. It means being on the borderline of something (really I mean to say 'bordering on' instead, but that doesn't flow correctly so I made up a new word.)

I'm glad you pointed out the line you didn't like, it was also a dodgy one for me but I'd been a bit lax about changing it. Now I will (not right now, I'll let it drift around my head for a bit first).

The 1st, 2nd and 3rd person usage was entirely intentional, as the 1st person is me, the 2nd person is the audience (who are playing the part of my friends who came into the club with me and are now refusing to let loose) and the 3rd persons are the 'other' people who also came to the club and aren't helping much with creating a party atmosphere. Having said that, there is a definite problem with:

"We paid five pounds to walk into this?
We'll that's an offer I should have missed"

Where it jumps from plural to singular for no reason. I'll sort that out too.

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Rebirth

Tell us the chord progression, if you've come up with 'em yet.

DontRunMeOver

For once, I don't know the chord progression as that was written entirely by our guitarists. I think the chorus riff is based around playing two bars on Em down to two bars on D at about 150 crotchets per minute in 4/4, the verse riff is the same rhythm but just four bars on Em instead and the long bridge section (with all the internal rhyming) is a chord change that I couldn't guess at from memory.

If I can think of another song that it reminds me of then I'll get back to you about it.

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Rebirth

Wow, it's in E minor by the sounds of things, what a surprise haha. Yeah, about this forum, it sorta sux because no one really cares about lyrics except for how they sound. I personally reckon that good lyrics are just a bonus, but I tend to like concept albums more than others so go figure.

DontRunMeOver

Well, I quite like the forum because whenever anybody heard my lyrics they always really liked them but then when I posted them as text then those same lyrics were getting slated for different reasons. You can still pick up the story-telling and stucturing side of lyrics on a forum and for development purposes it has positive and negative sides.

On the negative, you can't hear the music so you can't tell whether the rhythms fit or it works within the melody, but on the positive side the absence of that music means that people don't get distracted by the music and will criticise the lyrics mainly for their ability to communicate what you want.

Also, you have the opportunity to become confused as hell about hardcore/screamo lyrics which read like 19th century poetry, but are then delivered (courtesy of mp3 links) like a velociraptor with a voice box, that's just had its leg caught in a meat-grinder. I will never understand screamo.


(p.s. Its not my fault about the E Minor. Those guitarists again!)

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Rebirth

I guess I'd probably like this forum too if I were a lyricist because of the points you mentioned.
For the negative side, do you feel that the melody is an aspect of the lyrics? So does that mean you write the melody first then the lyrics? But you said earlier that you didn't know the chord progression, so that would mean the lyrics came first which would mean the melody didn't really matter in this forum.

mm, and not to mention traditional death metal lyrics which are undecipherable but it's obviously less important because you can be 99% sure that it's about...well, death.

btw, what did you mean about the ideas with my wiki article?

DontRunMeOver

I don't know the chord progression in terms of how I would play it myself on the guitar or in a way which I could write here. The melody I wrote by ear, singing along to the guitar and drums. I was taking the 'chord progression' to mean the technical names for the chords and their ordering.

Huh? Quote what I said about this please?

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Rebirth

Ah I see what you mean now, you knew how the chords went but just didn't know what they were. That's pretty strange, writing a melody by ear, skillful actually.

This one.