Jadix

Shes a s1ut
and a mutt
shes a cun.t
and she f*cks
just about
everyone
in this town
when shes done
she wont stop
she wont break
she's on top
screaming fake
in you're nice
she'll tell lies
just to hide
whats inside
she can cry
if she tries
a disguise
if you're wise
you'd be gone
she'd be wrong
sing a song
smoke a bong
you'll be fine
with some time
and you'll find
someone right

DontRunMeOver

There's not very much to critique here is there? Its not much of a thinker and its not going to inspire anybody in its written form, but I could imagine it'd sound fine for a fast and angry punk song.

If this isn't for a fast and angry sounding song I don't think it'll work very well, but if it IS then I'd suggest changing the lines:

"just to hide
whats inside
she can cry
if she tries
a disguise
if you're wise"

Because they're not aggressive enough and possibly also changing:

"you'll be fine
with some time
and you'll find
someone right"

To something a bit nastier.

You need to add a proper chorus hook too!

If its for a completely different style of song then, well, this critique doesn't apply so maybe let me know and I'll re-read it with different music in mind.

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Alo

@ Jadix: Why don't you ever put chorusses in your songs? Or reply to comments?

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I rocked my shoelaces untied

DontRunMeOver

He hasn't been on since we replied to these, has he? Be patient woman!!

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Jadix

I just moved back home from school and have dial up internet. its a pain in the ass to get on.

This isn't really a complete song, its more like a collection of lines to use in a fast-pissed off song. thanks for the feedback.

Kyren Tsunami

O.O Umms did a hurricane screw up the lyric?????? if u ask me I think it is...... there no paragraph, no Verses, no Chorus, no end verse and no nothing!!!!! XDDDDDDDDD REWORK!, REWORK!!

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all the songs I've Wrotes cames from experiences from the past, present and future.