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06-25-2006, 11:04 PM | #1 (permalink) |
infamous nimbus
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 140
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Her Storm
Her Storm
It was a whisper at first Just a whisp causing thirst But it grew steadily And became a warm breeze The first rain fell lightly Cooling the sand beside me And it grew so quickly And soon I was dripping She had caught me sleeping She had caught me dreaming I was so unsuspecting But the storm was upon me The wind was a hurricane Her love was the drowning raind Her storm was a bull enraged And I took in everything She had me captivated The flood was devastating I felt so motivated But then it was fading The storm was overrated It calmed as I waited And slowly stopped raining The wind began waning And the sun reappeared The light confirming my fear And as the sky became clear The last cloud whisp dissappeared |
06-26-2006, 06:03 PM | #2 (permalink) |
They call me Tundra Boy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: In your linen cupboard.
Posts: 1,166
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You need to structure this for starters! You've got some good lines in there and some which are not, like:
"She had me captivated The flood was devastating I felt so motivated But then it was fading The storm was overrated" Particularly the "storm was overrated" part. What's that about? And why were you motivated by a devastating flood? Even in metaphors, things like this don't really make sense and that puts off the reader/listener. You're coming up with good themes and general ideas for metaphors but be a bit more patient with the individual lines and stop trying to push in rhymes which don't make sense. There are usually loads of rhymes and combinations of rhymes you can find for each narrow subject area, so don't just jump on the first idea you get... let the story lead the rhymes, not the other way around. |
06-27-2006, 05:53 AM | #3 (permalink) |
Scarf
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Brighton, UK
Posts: 715
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I like the structure too. But a storm used as a metaphore could have a lot more emotion. This just sounds a bit too much facttelling. You're not telling the weather-forecast. Try not to make it feel like one.
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