Quote:
Life it seems may drift away in a cloud of dreams haze,
Thoughts of death and hate fills you mind,
|
This doesn't flow at all, plus, you have changed perspectives. You went from refering to the person whom this is written about as "you" to refering to them as "him" in the next line
Quote:
Trying to find his way out of this nightmares maze,
Always seeking what you cant find,
|
Once again, you have changed the perspective that the song is written in.
Is it "him" or "you" make up your mind. It doesn't sound good, and it doesn't make sense to the listener.
Quote:
Picture of your love faded away in the word from the haze,
Sorrow strike your image of Shangri-la,
As you lose his way the maze of haze,
|
This part is completely cheesy, and horribly written. It doesn't flow. 'Maze of Haze'? Give me a break. I don't like the rhyme sceme either. You keep recyling the same words. Maze and Haze. Think of some different words.
Quote:
The pain makes him drop down and cry,
Just to scream why me oh god why me,
Image of happiness drift away in the cloud of haze,
All hope is lost through the open eye,
|
Something went horribly wrong when you were trying to figure out how to make these lyrics flow. They seem like a bunch of underdeveloped, badly articulated thoughts, they are clumsy, and redundant.
Quote:
Through the dark he sees the light,
While the shadows tear at his soul,
Feels the pain of his wound below,
Then the voice says come with me,
And find what you seek,
His eyes see the gates and the darkness fades.
|
This is the most cliche part of the entire song.
You seem to have given up on your rhyme sceme.
From what I interperate, he is decending into heaven...correct?
Then why are shadows tearing at his soul?
How did he die in the first place?
Where did his "wound" come from
It doesn't make sense.
Hybrid Mode