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05-09-2006, 09:27 PM | #1 (permalink) |
mhmm
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: ummm...
Posts: 72
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Ball and Chain
You wake me up at ball and chain, lets have our breakfast dear..
Before you touch that chain again you'll have something to hear, That if only you would, maybe, let light in your eyes, You could see that this life is passin' you by. You tug my chain again and want to help you out, I want to keep you next to me, coming through the years. But, you still stay in your box and play the dolls a game, While I go out and make a fuss, I put your life to shame. I open up my box for you, invite your game inside, But never will you come on for the ride. We want the same thing from this life, but you just dont know how. I try to teach, but that chain stays to close to your side, Pull me back to your frustration and your troubled mind. Tell you to put up and let go the anger that you hide. Never speaking, I may wonder what you think of me, But that tugging, when it comes from you it will not let me be. Hoping sometimes that you'll come and see my world anew, I rip this chain from my back never and hope you follow through, For weeks no anwser from my master, but then its safe to see. The one that tied me to her mast will now follow me. __________________________________________________ _________ One of my first ever songs, so please leave comments on it! Sry in advance for typ-o's my keyboards batteries are running low
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05-09-2006, 09:57 PM | #2 (permalink) |
killedmyraindog
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Boston, Massachusetts
Posts: 11,172
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I tried reading it, but rhymes are killing me, and worst of all couplets. ::shudder::
Rhyming ruins writing because people are just trying to make the rhyme stick, they don't worry about the line being well written or not. Rhyming to me is like directing porn, "Who cares if the dialouge is bad, we have naked people ****ing!"
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05-09-2006, 10:00 PM | #3 (permalink) | |
killedmyraindog
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Boston, Massachusetts
Posts: 11,172
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Quote:
If it didn't rhyme, lets say like this: That if only you would, maybe, let light in your mind, You could see that this life is passin' you by Now does the rest of the line hold up as well now that the rhyme is gone?
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05-09-2006, 10:35 PM | #5 (permalink) |
killedmyraindog
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Boston, Massachusetts
Posts: 11,172
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Theres been about 2 people in history who wrote them well.
You create a horrid pattern with them that leaves no breathing room. time climb ship trip ski knee People need some movement, it becomes so locked up and heavily interwoven that you'd need to nail everything perfectly to have a decent story unravel.
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05-10-2006, 02:15 AM | #6 (permalink) | |
Music Addict
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 699
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Quote:
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05-16-2006, 04:05 PM | #8 (permalink) |
you are freakin out, man
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: ajax, ontario
Posts: 129
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it seems like not only alot of the rhymes are forced, but the syllable count as well
lines like "Never speaking, I may wonder what you think of me, But that tugging, when it comes from you it will not let me be." show this. I mean come on! when it comes from you? im sure you can find something to put in there that isnt just filler |
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