Quote:
Her parents were moving her,
to a distant place,
they’d be torn apart,
couldn't see each other's face.
|
i just didnt like this stanza, the way you worded it. Moving could of been "taking". & couldnt see each others face...wtf, i didnt like that part! you forced the rhyming.
Quote:
She gave it all she had,
she did her very best,
but he still slipped away,
he didn't pass the test.
|
I dont like the last two lines of this stanza....hmmmm, maybe just the last line. He didnt pass the test, was that all it was, a ****ing test! please, you need something else there.
Quote:
While she was thinking of him,
he had found another,
He said he couldn't do it;
he talked it over with his mother.
|
With his mother! wth(i think this explains why i dont like the last line in this stanza either)
Quote:
She was devastated,
her heart was torn straight out,
she’d been such a fool,
and she should have listened to her doubt.
|
She wasnt so much of a fool. but what doubt?! you practically screamed out that they had no doubt in their mind/heart that they where in love & made for each other.
The only thing i could think of that she should took longer to fall so deeply. shes only 16! im not saying you cant fall in love young, but...c'mon. you gotta take longer than that, at any age. Get what im saying? how long she knew him?
Quote:
Though physically he didn't kill her,
he tore her soul apart,
it was obvious how she did,
and it was from a broken heart.
|
Isnt it..."It was obvious how she
died"
Everything else i obviously like, overall, i like this poem. Kinda cliche, but i dont care, sometimes you gotta be just a lil bit.
Hybrid Mode