An age old tragedy (trance, offspring, member, review, quote)

TrampInaTux · 03-04-2006, 06:42 AM

The age old tale of tragedy...
From a great man comes a progedy
But the he doesn't live to see
what his creation will turn out to be
Under the circumstance
Everyone is displaced in a trance
tears of joy, they soon will pass
and sadness will prove to last

This is VERY short but I've had something along these lines going through my head for some time now. I don't really know what I think of it. On one hand it is very important to me and perhaps one of the most truthful songs I have made, but on the other hand I think the rhyming is a bit cheesy. I really need help with this one please.

angel18 · 03-04-2006, 06:48 AM

keep with the idea but try and not rhymn so much

sleepy jack · 03-04-2006, 04:53 PM

Don't use great man twice, thats just lame.

mosesandtherubberducky · 03-04-2006, 05:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hobojesus

The age old tale of tragedy...
From a great man comes a progedy
But the he doesn't live to see
what his creation will turn out to be
Under the circumstance
Everyone is displaced in a trance
tears of joy, they soon will pass
and sadness will prove to last

Just some suggestions, not sure what you are going for though. I do like this one more than Bad name for jesus becaues god is a whore. Anti-Religion songs are hard to make them sound good.

Merkaba · 03-04-2006, 07:30 PM

Whats progedy?
And I don't understand lines 5-6.
How does line 7 work? I can't imagine brief happiness turning to a longing sadness. This is about your dad who is gone isn't it? I don't understand the brief "joy" bit. Can you explain the song hobo?

TrampInaTux · 03-05-2006, 03:20 AM

Thanks for your help people, I knew the great man line was crap was just waiting for one of you guys to give me something better. Basically this is about my Dad's newborn child, my half sister. The last line refers to the tears of happiness because you have a beautiful new baby in your family, but then those tears are replaced with tears of sadness when you remember that Dad isn't going to be here to see her. I suppose I best stop posting these personal songs on here, as I might be the only one who understands them.

DontRunMeOver · 03-05-2006, 06:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merkaba

Whats progedy?

I think it was meant to mean progeny - as in 'offspring' - but maybe got it mixed up with prodigy. In a way he's created a new word, meaning prodigal progeny (a prodigal daughter).

Don't stop putting personal songs up. People prefer to read them, possibly just because the situation has already given direction to what you're writing. Also, if its something you've actually thought about a lot you will have a lot more ideas to draw on than if you make up the theme on the spot.

TrampInaTux · 03-05-2006, 07:01 AM

prodigy was the actual word I was looking for-mispelt it. Although Progedy is a good word that I have created. The problem I have with writing these really personal songs up here is that I always end up explaining them to everyone so they can review them better. I would much prefer it if people wouldn't ask these questions and decide for themselves what the song could be about. That keeps a certain mystery to the songs, in my opinion.

angel18 · 03-05-2006, 10:58 AM

I agree Hobo. But don't stop writing because you think nobody understands the songs. I'd say most people on here can relate to what your songs are about! Keep posting the personal stuff!

03-04-2006, 06:42 AM	#1 (permalink)
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,418	An age old tragedy The age old tale of tragedy... From a great man comes a progedy But the he doesn't live to see what his creation will turn out to be Under the circumstance Everyone is displaced in a trance tears of joy, they soon will pass and sadness will prove to last This is VERY short but I've had something along these lines going through my head for some time now. I don't really know what I think of it. On one hand it is very important to me and perhaps one of the most truthful songs I have made, but on the other hand I think the rhyming is a bit cheesy. I really need help with this one please.

03-04-2006, 07:30 PM	#5 (permalink)
Merkaba Whitewater! Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: New Zealand Posts: 2,885	Whats progedy? And I don't understand lines 5-6. How does line 7 work? I can't imagine brief happiness turning to a longing sadness. This is about your dad who is gone isn't it? I don't understand the brief "joy" bit. Can you explain the song hobo? __________________ She thinks I'm a reclusive genius, she's going to be very disappointed when she finds out i'm a reclusive wanker

03-04-2006, 06:48 AM	#2 (permalink)
angel18 Music Addict Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 129	keep with the idea but try and not rhymn so much

03-05-2006, 03:20 AM	#6 (permalink)
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,418	Thanks for your help people, I knew the great man line was crap was just waiting for one of you guys to give me something better. Basically this is about my Dad's newborn child, my half sister. The last line refers to the tears of happiness because you have a beautiful new baby in your family, but then those tears are replaced with tears of sadness when you remember that Dad isn't going to be here to see her. I suppose I best stop posting these personal songs on here, as I might be the only one who understands them.

03-05-2006, 07:01 AM	#8 (permalink)
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,418	prodigy was the actual word I was looking for-mispelt it. Although Progedy is a good word that I have created. The problem I have with writing these really personal songs up here is that I always end up explaining them to everyone so they can review them better. I would much prefer it if people wouldn't ask these questions and decide for themselves what the song could be about. That keeps a certain mystery to the songs, in my opinion.

03-05-2006, 10:58 AM	#9 (permalink)
angel18 Music Addict Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 129	I agree Hobo. But don't stop writing because you think nobody understands the songs. I'd say most people on here can relate to what your songs are about! Keep posting the personal stuff!