riseagainstrocks

that's right, it's been like 2 months since I have penned something. I'm a tad rusty and this is simply a rough draft, but I'm trying this new thing called "rhyming" not sure what it is though. (by the way, the majority of this is screamed with the "I'm starting too" bit sung and the subsequent verse screamed)

Indiana Jones Would Be Proud

All that I’m left with is all that I’ve tried to forget
Of memories and daydreams, of people and places I’ve been

I run through these hallways and up to these altars with a bag of sand (held in each hand)
The shelves hold their files and all the meanwhile (this hole in my chest wasn’t planned)

I’m starting to, feel like everything I’ve tried gave up and just died
So how are you, acting like everything I’ll hide is another rope I’ve tied

I’m starting to, realize that hope is not a friend but a means until the end
So how are you, pretending that faith is a God-send not rules made to bend

This is our final hour
This is our finest hour
This our finest day
And my last chance to say

I meant not a word that you heard in the stairway that night and light will never cease

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One note timeless, came out of nowhere...

jibber

I like where it's going, the only thing that really stood out right off the bat were these lines:

This is our final hour
This is our finest hour

the wording is just a little awkward seeming with both of them being so similar. It can work, but it's the only part of the song where you use that technique, so it stands out a lot.

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What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do -- especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.
William Least Heat Moon, Blue Highways

Your toughest competitor lives in your head. Some days his name is fear, or pain, or gravity. Stomp his ass.

HOOKED ON THE WHITE POWDER

DontRunMeOver

You work those rhymes guv'nor. The lines above are the ones which confused me, which I does not liketh. 'This hole in my chest wasnt planned' and 'I meant not a word that you heard in the stairway' are good bits, but I wasn't sure what you meant with the rest of these phrases.

Other than that I think its very good. Your new discovery of rhymage and meterage excite me...

PerFeCTioNThrUSileNCe

i wish i could write songs like that. i can never come up with anything.

i like it a lot, it flows really well and all, theres only one part that i would change:
if that is the part youre planning on having screamed, the part i highlighted messes up the flow a little bit. the part that (im guessing) is sung, is a too short, and the part that is screamed (again, assuming the part in the parentheses is screamed) is too long. depending on the tempo of the song, and the vocal style...that might throw it off a little bit.

maybe not, but that was the vibe that i got when i read that part.

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DontRunMeOver

Interesting PerFeCTion, that highlighted part was the section of that phrase that I liked... Can we say, to clarify, that we think he should rewrite the part that PerFeCTion quoted?

riseagainstrocks

the title of the song really does mean what it says.

The altar's bit is when Dr. Jones (in Raiders of the Lost Ark), steals the gold statue and replaces it with bags of sand. The whole in the chest bit is from Temple of Doom, when he becomes possessed by the Kali Mah. Not a real hole but a hole of morality.

yep I'm still confusing.

and Perfection, I haven't decided yet how the part you redded will be sung/screamed whatever. but thanks for the thought.

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One note timeless, came out of nowhere...

PerFeCTioNThrUSileNCe

not re-write it, but rephrase it slightly.

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