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She listens and doesnt say a word
She speaks and hardly listens She wanders around aimlessly She is meant to have a purpose She locks her secrets deep inside She is as open as a book She wants to scream, but just crys She gets all the attention twenty-four seven She looks in the mirror and sees two When she looks in the mirror, she sees two too They listen but hardly hear a thing They speak yet they dont say a word They aimlessly wander about They have no purpose, its just a front They lock themselves up inside They are willing to let anyone in if they actually tried They scream when no ones near They seek attention thats never there She looks in the mirror and sees two And wonders if they world sees two too so give some review, good or bad. i'll take it all |
dude... its all cliches and the repetition is pretty bad....
i really dislike that whole contradiction thing you got going on... cuz you just give up on it and it ruins the whole piece... and never end with two homonyms... especially twotoo go dance or something |
you like the word dude huh
how do i give it up? not going on defensive mode, just wondering, im trying to make it better. thats why i need reviews. i do dance, but i like to write. just started, so im working at it. |
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then later on you go on to say: Quote:
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okay i see with the
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but the.... Quote:
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okay, how about... She wanders around aimlessly She is meant to have a purpose |
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She listens and doesnt say a word
She speaks and hardly listens She wanders around aimlessly She is meant to have a purpose She locks her secrets deep inside She is as open as a book She wants to scream, but just crys She gets all the attention twenty-four seven ==Through using two contradictory statements in couplets - you are highlighting the confusion in the protagonist in your story. While this is uncommon, it is effective. (See bottom for why this is correct.) She looks in the mirror and sees two When she looks in the mirror, she sees two too ==Like someone said, using the homonym of two and too probably is detrimental to your poem. If you change up the words a little bit... it will turn these 2 lines into a pretty sweet image. One girl looking into the mirror and seeing two, and then the other girls she sees also sees two... pretty cool image :D== They listen but hardly hear a thing They speak yet they dont say a word They aimlessly wander about They have no purpose, its just a front They lock themselves up inside They are willing to let anyone in if they actually tried They scream when no ones near They seek attention thats never there ==Once again see bottom for the contradiction thing. I really like where this is going. While the beginning of the lines are continuously the same, it takes out all of the filler words that would have us read through the poem before we got to that which is the main focus.== She looks in the mirror and sees two And wonders if they world sees two too Great ending potential, but like I agreed with earlier, you just have to change that "two too" line Ok, now, about the contradictory lines in which people are giving you shit about. This is not incorrect. I'll tell you why! This works in Dialectical Methodology, contradiction does not refer to a conflict purely in a person's thinking or in logic. Rather, it indicates, for example, a clash between one's theory and one's practice, or one's words and one's deeds. I am a writer, which is why I know about these random things. Although I had trouble explaining it, I had a little help from wiki for explanation's sake. So what you do here with the protagonist, merely outlines her troubles state of mind instead of negates it. I like this poem a lot. Some touch ups here and there would make it a classy piece of work :D |
yeah this song is confusing. to make it better you'd have to change all the contradictions. which would basically just make a whole new song. oh well. keep writing.
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Uh, just so the contradiction bashing stops... I'll copy and paste what I wrote in my critique, just because it's really long and probably no one but crazy will read it...
Ok, now, about the contradictory lines in which people are giving you **** about. This is not incorrect. I'll tell you why! This works in Dialectical Methodology, contradiction does not refer to a conflict purely in a person's thinking or in logic. Rather, it indicates, for example, a clash between one's theory and one's practice, or one's words and one's deeds. Now whether Crazy new he was doing this or not, this is what it turned out to be... hes not wrong, its just something you're not used to. |
im not saying its a bad concept... the contradictiction thing is effective... but i cant see many people appreciating it as much as crowe and i... or just crowe.... ill go back to my rock now
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& second of all....thank you all for your comments i'll take them into consideration. i'll keep working on it. |
My bad :D, SHE.
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I coulda swore I review this...
Umm, yea the "she" and "they" part is way repetitive..other than that I like it... They are willing to let anyone in if they actually tried <<that part actually kinda doesn't go with the rest of the "they" part in my opinion...maybe if you re-worded it a tinge... When she looks in the mirror, she sees two too << the "too" shouldn't be here yet, just at the end of the song, because we haven't yet heard of another person or "they".... |
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thanks for your review though |
Hm, I didn't get that effect...oh well Im slow. lol
No problem :] |
No worries, i have to fix that(getting ppl not to be confused)
how about this one.... Revenge There was something about the look in your eyes That took me away to secret paradise But then you let a bitch share my place So i took my fist and smashed it in your face You wanna cheat on me I'll show you the bitch i could truly be Cause you see, That nice girl is gone and i took her place Im here to teach you a lesson You'll be forced to embrace I tore my key into your pretty car Broke into it by shattering the window Took my keys and ripped deep into your leather seats Busted both headlights and slashed the tires Thats just the beginning You wanna cheat on me I'll show you the bitch i could truly be Cause you see, That nice girl is gone and i took her place Im here to teach you a lesson You'll be forced to embrace Guess who wasnt home at this time of day Got in through the side window and had my way Gave my buddies the address of where i would be Accidently forgot to lock and close the door behind me Still dont think you had enough You wanna cheat on me I'll show you the bitch i could truly be Cause you see, That nice girl is gone and i took her place Im here to teach you a lesson You'll be forced to embrace Called your work and had a talk with your boss Informed him that i was in there earlier That this particular worker reeked of pot That should get the ball of suspicion rolling Almost done, just one more thing You wanna cheat on me I'll show you the bitch i could truly be Cause you see, That nice girl is gone and i took her place Im here to teach you a lesson You'll be forced to embrace Arranged to meet up with you and the dip**** that shares my place Funny thing is that you actually cheated on her with me Wait a minute, can you repeat that a little louder "Playing aint easy when you're in the game" |
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you angry women scare me :)
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angry women=angry sex ;)
so be happy about it. |
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Heres a shorter one:
This game we play Here we go again Twisting to this scenario we choregograph Knowing we both are trying To make one another jealous Who will succumb first Is the motif of this game |
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