Crazy Luv

She listens and doesnt say a word
She speaks and hardly listens
She wanders around aimlessly
She is meant to have a purpose
She locks her secrets deep inside
She is as open as a book
She wants to scream, but just crys
She gets all the attention twenty-four seven

She looks in the mirror and sees two
When she looks in the mirror, she sees two too

They listen but hardly hear a thing
They speak yet they dont say a word
They aimlessly wander about
They have no purpose, its just a front
They lock themselves up inside
They are willing to let anyone in if they actually tried
They scream when no ones near
They seek attention thats never there

She looks in the mirror and sees two
And wonders if they world sees two too





so give some review, good or bad. i'll take it all

creepinson

dude... its all cliches and the repetition is pretty bad....

i really dislike that whole contradiction thing you got going on... cuz you just give up on it and it ruins the whole piece... and never end with two homonyms... especially twotoo

go dance or something

Crazy Luv

you like the word dude huh


how do i give it up?
not going on defensive mode, just wondering, im trying to make it better. thats why i need reviews.

i do dance, but i like to write. just started, so im working at it.

jibber

with this:
completely contradictory statements. pick one and run with it.

then later on you go on to say:
so which one is it?

here's another one:
if she locks her secrets deep inside, she's not an open book, it doesnt make sense.

__________________
What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do -- especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.
William Least Heat Moon, Blue Highways

Your toughest competitor lives in your head. Some days his name is fear, or pain, or gravity. Stomp his ass.

HOOKED ON THE WHITE POWDER

Crazy Luv

okay i see with the
gotta fix that,
but the....
she may be open to reveal, but no one is willing to take the time to "read" her. which is what i try to explain when i said


okay, how about...

She wanders around aimlessly
She is meant to have a purpose

jibber

hmm...still kind of confusing. from the rest of the song, it seems as if the subject is putting on an act for the rest of the world. By saying she is meant to have a purpose, you're saying that the rest of the world is imposing a standard upon her to follow, which isn't really coherant with the rest of the song. Also, the lyrics are really repetitive, i'd suggest spending some more time with it, and elaborating on the fact that the girl in the song is putting on an act for the rest of the world, without using the same lines over and over.

__________________
What you've done becomes the judge of what you're going to do -- especially in other people's minds. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.
William Least Heat Moon, Blue Highways

Your toughest competitor lives in your head. Some days his name is fear, or pain, or gravity. Stomp his ass.

HOOKED ON THE WHITE POWDER

Crowe

She listens and doesnt say a word
She speaks and hardly listens
She wanders around aimlessly
She is meant to have a purpose
She locks her secrets deep inside
She is as open as a book
She wants to scream, but just crys
She gets all the attention twenty-four seven

==Through using two contradictory statements in couplets - you are highlighting the confusion in the protagonist in your story. While this is uncommon, it is effective. (See bottom for why this is correct.)

She looks in the mirror and sees two
When she looks in the mirror, she sees two too

==Like someone said, using the homonym of two and too probably is detrimental to your poem. If you change up the words a little bit... it will turn these 2 lines into a pretty sweet image. One girl looking into the mirror and seeing two, and then the other girls she sees also sees two... pretty cool image ==

They listen but hardly hear a thing
They speak yet they dont say a word
They aimlessly wander about
They have no purpose, its just a front
They lock themselves up inside
They are willing to let anyone in if they actually tried
They scream when no ones near
They seek attention thats never there

==Once again see bottom for the contradiction thing. I really like where this is going. While the beginning of the lines are continuously the same, it takes out all of the filler words that would have us read through the poem before we got to that which is the main focus.==

She looks in the mirror and sees two
And wonders if they world sees two too

Great ending potential, but like I agreed with earlier, you just have to change that "two too" line

Ok, now, about the contradictory lines in which people are giving you shit about. This is not incorrect. I'll tell you why! This works in Dialectical Methodology, contradiction does not refer to a conflict purely in a person's thinking or in logic. Rather, it indicates, for example, a clash between one's theory and one's practice, or one's words and one's deeds.

I am a writer, which is why I know about these random things. Although I had trouble explaining it, I had a little help from wiki for explanation's sake. So what you do here with the protagonist, merely outlines her troubles state of mind instead of negates it. I like this poem a lot. Some touch ups here and there would make it a classy piece of work

either/or

yeah this song is confusing. to make it better you'd have to change all the contradictions. which would basically just make a whole new song. oh well. keep writing.

__________________
Painstaking devotion and love
Surrendered to self preservation
From others who care for themselves
A blindness that touches perfection
But hurts just like anything else

Isolation, isolation, isolation

Crowe

Uh, just so the contradiction bashing stops... I'll copy and paste what I wrote in my critique, just because it's really long and probably no one but crazy will read it...

Ok, now, about the contradictory lines in which people are giving you **** about. This is not incorrect. I'll tell you why! This works in Dialectical Methodology, contradiction does not refer to a conflict purely in a person's thinking or in logic. Rather, it indicates, for example, a clash between one's theory and one's practice, or one's words and one's deeds.

Now whether Crazy new he was doing this or not, this is what it turned out to be... hes not wrong, its just something you're not used to.

creepinson

im not saying its a bad concept... the contradictiction thing is effective... but i cant see many people appreciating it as much as crowe and i... or just crowe.... ill go back to my rock now