yeah another one already c4c!!! (alternative, doors, Atmosphere, bling)

creepinson · 01-09-2006, 06:45 PM

yeah another one already

The world crumbles before you,
And the remnants of torn lives fall into your lap,
Brush them away onto the ecliptic floor boards
Resume your meal, without concern
your alternatives seem stern

Be forewarned
This can only go on so long

(Chorus)
Stagnant fists are rising up against you
Pounding at your doors, still you ignore
Silent prayers, calling out your name
Resume your meal, though they implore
These problems are not yours, do not treat them so

It comes full circle
you are justified, though they are not so wise
as you look through your window, hope for better days
their fate and yours, long decided,
higher powers alike misguided

Be forewarned
This can only go on so long

Chorus

Let me go, and go places farther than I can reach
You deserve more than this turmoil
And it deserves more
For all the world is crumbling
Only so that you may watch
And forget all that it owes you.

Now you are the World.
Let go, and go places farther than I can reach
I am doing you no service
You deserve more, and they deserve more than you
For you turn your attentions to something below you, when I am right here
Looking at you, and waiting for you to say goodbye
Though A tear in your eye
Says more than you ever could
--------------------------------

looking for titles... right now its called crappy... so yeah

Crowe · 01-09-2006, 07:20 PM

Heh, must be fun to just post as many as you want instead of having to abide by the strict rules over at MX. I read through those and wow... even so I joined MX as Shotglass Youth. So as soon as I get the feel for the place I'll probably be pretty active there. Anyway, onto your song...

The world crumbles before you,
And the remnants of torn lives fall into your lap,
Brush them away onto the ecliptic floor boards
Resume your meal, without concern
your alternatives seem stern

= the last line here seems like it would be difficult to fit into a song, but sometimes people make it work. Might wanna look at beefing that up a little, just to help it fit. Don't do it with extraneous words of course. As a first verse, and a reader, I am interested to see where it leads... so good start. Ecliptic doesn't make sense as a metaphor or as a literal meaning. I do like the vocabulary attempt though.

Be forewarned
This can only go on so long

= nice, uncommon break... still keeping me interested...

(Chorus)
Stagnant fists are rising up against you
Pounding at your doors, still you ignore
Silent prayers, calling out your name
Resume your meal, though they implore
These problems are not yours, do not treat them so

= Stagnant is the opposite of where the rest of your chorus is going. Look up stagnant if it will help. I'm confused now as a reader, is this person a God figure? A slave owner? Is this a reference to emotional fists within this person? Confused, but still interested.

It comes full circle
you are justified, though they are not so wise
as you look through your window, hope for better days
their fate and yours, long decided,
higher powers alike misguided

= Even more confused. What is "it"? What is the protagonist justified for? A problem is never presented, unless its the ignore factor from the pervious verse/chorus. I know that something is wrong... but like I said in another crit. You are alienating your listeners by not letting them in on the key element to the story you are telling through song.

Be forewarned
This can only go on so long

Chorus

Let me go, and go places farther than I can reach
You deserve more than this turmoil
And it deserves more
For all the world is crumbling
Only so that you may watch
And forget all that it owes you.

=Now "ME" enters the song at the very end. So some sort of personal relation is present, but what is it? Are you under this person, over, brother, father, lover, friend? If you are going to present yourself or a "me" in a song, a relationship better be present, or else you are just a bit character. A nothing. In fact just filler. And we hear this turmoil again, what is it?

Now you are the World.
Let go, and go places farther than I can reach
I am doing you no service
You deserve more, and they deserve more than you
For you turn your attentions to something below you, when I am right here
Looking at you, and waiting for you to say goodbye
Though A tear in your eye
Says more than you ever could

= Pretty much the same as above. They? Where is this person going? Below? I liked the Says more than you ever could line, and the line above it. It would be harder hitting if I knew what the hell the song was about.

Overall I bet if you added just another verse that tied up all of the loose ends it would be a fantastic song.

. Keep on truckin'.

creepinson · 01-09-2006, 07:29 PM

yeah man.... just trying to mix it up... concepts and stuff are hard... ill try to figure something out... just for you

lol

Crowe · 01-09-2006, 07:32 PM

Well I thought I'd try and give you some good crits like you're used to over at MX. And not the "Yeah, thought it could be better, but good job" crits over here.

creepinson · 01-09-2006, 07:35 PM

lol yeah i know man... its a different atmosphere over there... for god sakes they have a page on talking about your favourite writers ON THE FORUM... these guys over here phew...

lol thanks for ur hospitality... shotglass youth... better name than me...

gabbahey there we go... lol just dont look at my earlier stuff... painful :/

01-09-2006, 06:45 PM	#1 (permalink)
creepinson you are freakin out, man Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: ajax, ontario Posts: 129	yeah another one already c4c!!! yeah another one already The world crumbles before you, And the remnants of torn lives fall into your lap, Brush them away onto the ecliptic floor boards Resume your meal, without concern your alternatives seem stern Be forewarned This can only go on so long (Chorus) Stagnant fists are rising up against you Pounding at your doors, still you ignore Silent prayers, calling out your name Resume your meal, though they implore These problems are not yours, do not treat them so It comes full circle you are justified, though they are not so wise as you look through your window, hope for better days their fate and yours, long decided, higher powers alike misguided Be forewarned This can only go on so long Chorus Let me go, and go places farther than I can reach You deserve more than this turmoil And it deserves more For all the world is crumbling Only so that you may watch And forget all that it owes you. Now you are the World. Let go, and go places farther than I can reach I am doing you no service You deserve more, and they deserve more than you For you turn your attentions to something below you, when I am right here Looking at you, and waiting for you to say goodbye Though A tear in your eye Says more than you ever could -------------------------------- looking for titles... right now its called crappy... so yeah

01-09-2006, 07:20 PM	#2 (permalink)
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 699	Heh, must be fun to just post as many as you want instead of having to abide by the strict rules over at MX. I read through those and wow... even so I joined MX as Shotglass Youth. So as soon as I get the feel for the place I'll probably be pretty active there. Anyway, onto your song... The world crumbles before you, And the remnants of torn lives fall into your lap, Brush them away onto the ecliptic floor boards Resume your meal, without concern your alternatives seem stern = the last line here seems like it would be difficult to fit into a song, but sometimes people make it work. Might wanna look at beefing that up a little, just to help it fit. Don't do it with extraneous words of course. As a first verse, and a reader, I am interested to see where it leads... so good start. Ecliptic doesn't make sense as a metaphor or as a literal meaning. I do like the vocabulary attempt though. Be forewarned This can only go on so long = nice, uncommon break... still keeping me interested... (Chorus) Stagnant fists are rising up against you Pounding at your doors, still you ignore Silent prayers, calling out your name Resume your meal, though they implore These problems are not yours, do not treat them so = Stagnant is the opposite of where the rest of your chorus is going. Look up stagnant if it will help. I'm confused now as a reader, is this person a God figure? A slave owner? Is this a reference to emotional fists within this person? Confused, but still interested. It comes full circle you are justified, though they are not so wise as you look through your window, hope for better days their fate and yours, long decided, higher powers alike misguided = Even more confused. What is "it"? What is the protagonist justified for? A problem is never presented, unless its the ignore factor from the pervious verse/chorus. I know that something is wrong... but like I said in another crit. You are alienating your listeners by not letting them in on the key element to the story you are telling through song. Be forewarned This can only go on so long Chorus Let me go, and go places farther than I can reach You deserve more than this turmoil And it deserves more For all the world is crumbling Only so that you may watch And forget all that it owes you. =Now "ME" enters the song at the very end. So some sort of personal relation is present, but what is it? Are you under this person, over, brother, father, lover, friend? If you are going to present yourself or a "me" in a song, a relationship better be present, or else you are just a bit character. A nothing. In fact just filler. And we hear this turmoil again, what is it? Now you are the World. Let go, and go places farther than I can reach I am doing you no service You deserve more, and they deserve more than you For you turn your attentions to something below you, when I am right here Looking at you, and waiting for you to say goodbye Though A tear in your eye Says more than you ever could = Pretty much the same as above. They? Where is this person going? Below? I liked the Says more than you ever could line, and the line above it. It would be harder hitting if I knew what the hell the song was about. Overall I bet if you added just another verse that tied up all of the loose ends it would be a fantastic song. . Keep on truckin'.

01-09-2006, 07:29 PM	#3 (permalink)
creepinson you are freakin out, man Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: ajax, ontario Posts: 129	yeah man.... just trying to mix it up... concepts and stuff are hard... ill try to figure something out... just for you lol

01-09-2006, 07:32 PM	#4 (permalink)
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 699	Well I thought I'd try and give you some good crits like you're used to over at MX. And not the "Yeah, thought it could be better, but good job" crits over here.

01-09-2006, 07:35 PM	#5 (permalink)
creepinson you are freakin out, man Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: ajax, ontario Posts: 129	lol yeah i know man... its a different atmosphere over there... for god sakes they have a page on talking about your favourite writers ON THE FORUM... these guys over here phew... lol thanks for ur hospitality... shotglass youth... better name than me... gabbahey there we go... lol just dont look at my earlier stuff... painful :/