Stuff That Isn't Light (lyrics, rock, single, show, quote)

madeinNY · 12-31-2005, 09:12 PM

It lacks something, I need some HELPFUL critism...
---
Kingdom of Mirrors
There's a comfort in the stuff that isn't light
'Cause you can't be seen or heard
No one cares what you've done
No one cares of who you are
Because they're all damned like you

You feel like you could just drop and sleep
Anywhere you wish
You could close your eyes and die

You can't float up
you can only float down
'Cause there's something pushing from the sky's
And pulling from the ground.

But it won't be too bad
the judgement is done
The others don't car of what you've done
They're all you
It's a Kingdom of Mirrors

There's a comfort in the stuff that isn't light
'Cause You can't be seen or heard
No one cares what you've done
No one cares of who you are...
Because they're all damned like you.
It's a Kingdom of Mirrors.

---

Thanks Crazy for the lines in bold.

sleepy jack · 01-01-2006, 12:13 AM

It's boring.
"Depending on what you did"
Doesn't fit at all, I suppose it makes sense, but it disrupts the flow.
The words are also bland, and it lacks imagery.
It looks more like a paragraph then a poem/song.

TheBig3 · 01-01-2006, 12:32 AM

General is often bad. If you don't explain things no one will pay attention. I don't care who you're writing for, but rock critics and lit professors are all going to say this very same thing; we want to know

1. Why is there a comfort, what kind of comfort is it.

2. Why doesn't anyone care?

3. Why either black or white? Why not other colors? Why not both.

"Depending on what you did" is not what you want at all. That leave everything before it completly subject to change.

Its like "hey all this **** could happen...depends on what you did, if its the wrong thing, well...just disregard everythign you jsut read."

When I hear Bob Dylan's "tangled up in blue" and he says he's leant a bok of poetry, I know what century that poetrys from, and I know his reaction to it. I don't need to know who wrote it, because it's probably negligible, he gave me information though to show why its pertenant to the story.

Now if you read the lyrics to something less specific like Lonly Day by SOAD
"The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
A day that Ill never miss
Such a lonely day
And its mine
The most loneliest day of my life"

Well you decide which song writer you want to be associated with more.

either/or · 01-01-2006, 02:58 AM

why oh why did he have a lonely day??? explain it damn it

Urban Hat€monger ? · 01-01-2006, 04:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by madeinNY

I need some HELPFUL critism...

OK , this looks like practically every other lyrics thread in this damn forum.

If you want to write stuff aim high , write about how you see things , put a personal slant on it don`t just resort to every single cliche ever written.

Have some BIG ideas & stop wasting your time writing cliched ridden wank like this.

madeinNY · 01-01-2006, 06:12 AM

I didn't mean it to be cliched
It's a song about dying in your sleep and going to heaven or hell....I was hoping someone would get that.
Thanks for your critism, non the less.

madeinNY · 01-01-2006, 07:57 AM

Please see revised song.^^^^^

Quote:

Originally Posted by Urban

stop wasting your time writing cliched ridden wank like this.

I've writen 3 songs before this that were totally original and that people liked, you might wanna check them out, The Wives, The Bitter, Not In My Cards. They're in the songwriting forums.

Crazy Luv · 01-01-2006, 08:11 AM

you need to explain what going on, because it confuses the reader.

These are the parts i think are needed to be fixed, expressed, or explained more:

Quote:

No one cares what you've done
They're all damned like you.
No one knows who or where you are

Quote:

You could close your eyes and die

madeinNY · 01-01-2006, 08:16 AM

Thanks Crazy for your critism

It's about hell..can't people infer that?....what was your first impression on what this song is about?

Crazy Luv · 01-01-2006, 08:24 AM

Quote:

There's a comfort in the stuff that isn't light
'Cause you can't be seen or heard
No one cares what you've done
Because they're all damned like you
No one knows who or where you are

this sounded like you were..how do i put this...like all these people where on judgment day, & god or whoever was deciding if you were to go to hell or heaven, & you were one of the many who knew that they were damned to hell. No one knows who or where you are part, you could of said "no one there cares of who you are" or something, because it didnt make sense for the where.

Quote:

You feel like you could just drop and sleep
Anywhere you wish
You could close your eyes and die

this sounds like it was just added, it doesnt make sense to me. maybe im not reading this in the right "frame of mind"

Quote:

When you open them
You'll see either black or white
Depending on who you are.

at first i was like...huh, but then i got it, hell or heaven.

12-31-2005, 09:12 PM	#1 (permalink)
madeinNY [[la de da diddy da]] Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NY...duh. Posts: 444	Stuff That Isn't Light It lacks something, I need some HELPFUL critism... --- Kingdom of Mirrors There's a comfort in the stuff that isn't light 'Cause you can't be seen or heard No one cares what you've done No one cares of who you are Because they're all damned like you You feel like you could just drop and sleep Anywhere you wish You could close your eyes and die You can't float up you can only float down 'Cause there's something pushing from the sky's And pulling from the ground. But it won't be too bad the judgement is done The others don't car of what you've done They're all you It's a Kingdom of Mirrors There's a comfort in the stuff that isn't light 'Cause You can't be seen or heard No one cares what you've done No one cares of who you are... Because they're all damned like you. It's a Kingdom of Mirrors. --- Thanks Crazy for the lines in bold. __________________ I cleared out my PM box...I promise. lol

01-01-2006, 12:32 AM	#3 (permalink)
TheBig3 killedmyraindog Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Boston, Massachusetts Posts: 11,172	General is often bad. If you don't explain things no one will pay attention. I don't care who you're writing for, but rock critics and lit professors are all going to say this very same thing; we want to know 1. Why is there a comfort, what kind of comfort is it. 2. Why doesn't anyone care? 3. Why either black or white? Why not other colors? Why not both. "Depending on what you did" is not what you want at all. That leave everything before it completly subject to change. Its like "hey all this **** could happen...depends on what you did, if its the wrong thing, well...just disregard everythign you jsut read." When I hear Bob Dylan's "tangled up in blue" and he says he's leant a bok of poetry, I know what century that poetrys from, and I know his reaction to it. I don't need to know who wrote it, because it's probably negligible, he gave me information though to show why its pertenant to the story. Now if you read the lyrics to something less specific like Lonly Day by SOAD "The most loneliest day of my life Such a lonely day Shouldn't exist A day that Ill never miss Such a lonely day And its mine The most loneliest day of my life" Well you decide which song writer you want to be associated with more. __________________ I've moved to a new address

01-01-2006, 02:58 AM	#4 (permalink)
either/or Don't think twice Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: A basement on the hill Posts: 352	why oh why did he have a lonely day??? explain it damn it __________________ Painstaking devotion and love Surrendered to self preservation From others who care for themselves A blindness that touches perfection But hurts just like anything else Isolation, isolation, isolation

01-01-2006, 06:12 AM	#6 (permalink)
madeinNY [[la de da diddy da]] Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NY...duh. Posts: 444	I didn't mean it to be cliched It's a song about dying in your sleep and going to heaven or hell....I was hoping someone would get that. Thanks for your critism, non the less. __________________ I cleared out my PM box...I promise. lol

01-01-2006, 08:16 AM	#9 (permalink)
madeinNY [[la de da diddy da]] Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NY...duh. Posts: 444	Thanks Crazy for your critism It's about hell..can't people infer that?....what was your first impression on what this song is about? __________________ I cleared out my PM box...I promise. lol